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Old 11-20-2009, 04:37 PM   #1
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a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

In Feb of 2009 I was diagnosed with 1 or more strains of high risk HPV. biopsy results showed that the cell changes were very low and I was put on a wait and watch schedule. At the time, I was not dating anyone and asked my doctor what I needed to do in the event that I met someone and entered into a relationship. She explained that from a medical standpoint, because of my age bracket (I'm 26) that unless I met a man with absolutely zero sexual history, there really was not need to disclose the information because he probably has already been exposed anyways, and all the other info we all already probably know (no test for men, no health risks for men, etc.) Well as time went by I put the HPV issue behind me and moved on with my life. It pretty much got to the point where it was out of sight out of mind, since I had no daily reminders that I had this infection. Towards the end of June I met and began dating a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, the fact that I had high risk HPV was not something that I told him, until 5 months into the relationship when I went for a follow up pap smear and was stressing waiting for results. He asked why I seemed stressed out and the truth emerged. He was angry at first. Then he did some reading and research and seemed ok with everything. Then he was angry again, more so for the fact that I never disclosed the information and instead of giving him a choice to potentially get the infection, I just went ahead and probably gave it to him (even though he had a sexual history before me and most likely has already been exposed anyways). At any rate, I now find myself single and I cannot forgive myself for this mistake. I thought he was the man I was going to marry and I ruined an amazing relationship. I have talked to other female friends who have gone through the same issue because their doctors also said it was not necessary to disclose the information to current or future partners, but lucky for them their boyfriends "got over it" and things moved forward. While I completely see where my ex is coming from and I won't deny that I made a huge mistake, part of me is wondering.....did he overreact at all and take the situation way to seriously? Or I am to blame for the end of this relationship. My heart hurts so bad and I can't stop thinking about the fact that I drove away "the one." any advice/thoughts/insight would be helpful. Thanks

 
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Old 11-20-2009, 06:24 PM   #2
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly. I don't know what you should have or shouldn't have done. I can speculate that if he reacted this way in this situation, then something might have happened (with some other issue) in the future and he would have reacted similarly to.

I'm sad that you are so hurt! (((hugs)))

 
Old 11-20-2009, 07:28 PM   #3
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

In retrospect, it's easy to look back and blame yourself for not telling him. But the fact of the matter is, you asked your doctor if it was necessary and she told you it wasn't. The fact that you even asked her shows that it was something you obviously take seriously, and it sounds like HAD she told you it was important to bring it up before having sex with someone, you would have taken that advice. But she said there was no need, unless the individual had no sexual history, and therefore you followed the advice she gave. You did nothing wrong.

I can understand why he might be upset about it, but you really can't blame yourself for anything.

 
Old 11-20-2009, 09:03 PM   #4
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

He may have reacted as most anyone would. Irregardless of the fact that if you two married, your lives would go on and he would have no real problems with contracting HPV. However, just the idea that someone had sexually transmitted infection and didnt tell them about it would probably tick me off too.

I still think that given the circumstances he has not been a very good friend to you and im so very sorry that you are unhappy.

No pain is forever honey and in time both you and HE will get over it. You only followed the advise of your Dr. and he just didnt agree with the situation. Please take care of YOU first though!

 
Old 11-21-2009, 09:24 AM   #5
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

thanks everyone, I appreciate all the kind words. i agree that i too would be ticked off in I was in his shoes, but on the flip side, he had been with other partners before we met. Not that he was a man *****, but chances are he had already been exposed anyways. and while not one of his ex's or former partners ever called to inform him of giving him an HPV infection, that's probably because as well all know you can't partner trace the virus so many doctors tell you it's unnecessary to inform past partners. i know it's too late to go back and time and fix the situation, but I just don't know if i can forgive myself for screwing up so badly that I lost the love of my life.

 
Old 11-21-2009, 11:52 AM   #6
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Honey - what you lost was the chance for a lot of heartbreak down the road. This man was not a keeper...not the love of your life. If he had been, he'd still be here. be glad you got rid of him before you found out the "even worse" about him...because it was there somewhere.

 
Old 11-21-2009, 03:56 PM   #7
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Thanks, I think I am beginning to see that even though I made a mistake for not telling him, if he really loved me as much as he said, he should have been able to get past it (with time) and move forward with the relationship. Maybe in time he will grow up and get over it (he's only 23 and i was his first serious relationship), but it's not something I'm going to sit around and wait for. So now my question is this. After I have taken the time to heal from this breakup, I will re-enter the dating world. Maybe it will take me a month, maybe it will take me a week, maybe it will take me a year, who knows. At any rate, if I find myself in a new relationship do I learn from this mistake and disclose that I have high risk HPV? I have a follow up pap in Feb (my most recent one came back exactly the same as the original abnormal pap in Feb 2009), and if that one is still showing abnormal cells I would absolutely tell a new partner. But, if the infection is showed to be cleared up, should I still tell? I guess from a moral standpoint and everything I've learned it would make me feel better to just get it out there, but now I am afraid of the reaction future guys might have, even though I have the high risk and not the wart kind.

 
Old 11-22-2009, 12:25 PM   #8
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

As for your own health have you been trying anything naturally to help your body fight the abnormal cells?

what i mean is, I havent been diagnosed with HPV but I did have an abnormal pap come back with LSIL (low grade squamous intripethilial lesions) pardon my spelling if its wrong. And i have researched and read the HECK out of blogs and books and other women who have had the same thing low/high risk HPV and abnormal paps and through natural remedies have cleared without the intervention of surgical procedures.

I have been really taking a stand on this, ive quit smoking started eating more green and raw foods. Ive started to increase my physical activity and I supplement immune boosting agents. I think you may have a chance at fighting this off. As for telling future partners I guess if they really understand the infectin and the impact it has on them...and they are looking foward to a relationship with you, you wont have a problem! (sorry so long winded)

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Old 11-23-2009, 06:33 PM   #9
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Well I am already a pretty healthy person. I rarely get sick, and I exercise on a regular basis. I eat well and try to a variety of foods, but since winter is approaching and good produce is getting harder to find I have been taking a multivitamin. I have been doing reading that folic acid, beta-carotene, and vitamins C and E are good for fighting off abnormals cells. So I try to eat foods that contain all of those good things, but take the multivitamin too just to make sure I'm getting them in my system. I have never smoked

 
Old 11-23-2009, 07:36 PM   #10
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

I'm sure you will be fine. It is very common. Which is why I think your ex totally overreacted... I mean, if he'd already been sexually active, he's most likely already been exposed to it and will probably get exposed to it again unless he wants to wrap himself in a giant condom for the rest of his life.

 
Old 11-24-2009, 07:31 AM   #11
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarberrie View Post
I appreciate all the kind words. i agree that i too would be ticked off in I was in his shoes, but on the flip side, he had been with other partners before we met. Not that he was a man *****, but chances are he had already been exposed anyways.

Your story makes me so upset Sarberrie! You know what I want to ask him: what makes him think that he also didn't give HPV to you?

It's super annoying that us women are responsible for "informing" everyone of our HPV status while men get to go around in happy ignorance. We bear most of the burden of HPV because we have cervixes, and now those of us that have cervical issues are also supposed to be in charge of stopping it's spread? Give me a break. It's an impossible task.

My partner actually was a HUGE man ***** before we met and I was very inexperienced so I'm pretty darn sure he gave this to me. Sure I was shocked about having HPV at first, but then I realized I was only shocked because I was so ignorant about HPV. Given that I knew his sexual history, I really should have expected it. I completely understand his initial HPV freak out, but once he actually learned about it, IMHO, he really should have just sucked it up.

I wonder, do you think you're boyfriend will even tell his future partners now? I doubt it. And because he will never have HPV health issues, it will never come up and he will never experience the consequences of not telling, like you did. Annoying.

 
Old 11-24-2009, 08:33 AM   #12
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

I agree Lily21. I must say, his main concern was not the HPV itself....he even admitted that yes he has probably already come in contact with it before me. His issue was that I "hid" the fact that I had HPV from him and if things ended up not working out (which obviously they didn't) he could give it to someone else. And what was I going to hide in the future from him? And actually, yes I think he will inform future partners of the fact that he slept with a girl that knew she had high risk HPV. He really is a good guy like that. What I think will be funny however, is that when he does have his next partner and tells her about it, there is a very high likelihood that she will respond with "oh yeah, I've had that before/currently have that no big deal." Maybe then he will realize just how common it is and how most women who have or had it don't make that big a deal out of it. I think overall, we both made errors. I should have told him sooner, no matter how awkward the conversation would have been, but at the same time, at least I told him. It then became his problem that he couldn't get past the fact that I waited so long to do so. He and I were similar in the fact that we both hold people to very high moral and ethical standards.....where we differ however is in our forgiveness. I know that no one is perfect and while you can hold a person to the highest of standards, everyone is bound to mess up now and again. Had the roles been reversed, if he knew his last partner had HPV and he didn't tell me prior to having sex would I have been angry. Absolutely. Would I have dumped him over it. No. I would have done my research on the infection, seen just how common and easily spread it is and that there really is nothing to do to stop it and gotten over it. but as I have come to realize, this just means he wasn't the right man for me. Did I love him. Absolutely. Is moving on difficult right now? Of course. But, had he truly been "the one" I wouldn't be writing any of this, we would still be together. And that in the end, is what gets me through the day. Knowing that this was the universe's way of keeping me from ending up with the wrong man for me.

 
Old 11-24-2009, 08:48 AM   #13
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Thumbs up Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyL21 View Post
Your story makes me so upset Sarberrie! You know what I want to ask him: what makes him think that he also didn't give HPV to you?

It's super annoying that us women are responsible for "informing" everyone of our HPV status while men get to go around in happy ignorance. We bear most of the burden of HPV because we have cervixes, and now those of us that have cervical issues are also supposed to be in charge of stopping it's spread? Give me a break. It's an impossible task.

My partner actually was a HUGE man ***** before we met and I was very inexperienced so I'm pretty darn sure he gave this to me. Sure I was shocked about having HPV at first, but then I realized I was only shocked because I was so ignorant about HPV. Given that I knew his sexual history, I really should have expected it. I completely understand his initial HPV freak out, but once he actually learned about it, IMHO, he really should have just sucked it up.

I wonder, do you think you're boyfriend will even tell his future partners now? I doubt it. And because he will never have HPV health issues, it will never come up and he will never experience the consequences of not telling, like you did. Annoying.
I know exactly what you're saying my ex reacted rather the same way. except without being angry about it....he just STOPPED talking to me. Stopped calling me...stopped texting me...stopped chattin with me on MSN...just lately (two weeks later) he is coming around...and chatting...assuming he thought better of his actions...but reality is...i think that guy is a first class jerk!

 
Old 11-24-2009, 05:27 PM   #14
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

on a positive note about all this however.....I am hopefully going to be starting my master's in public health in fall of 2010. The program I am doing is slowly starting to move away from thesis writing and to what they refer to as a "special project" instead. While I'm a ways away from having to start any of that, I'm thinking I am going to try and do something with HPV. I think one of the biggest issues is the ignorance and lack of education on the infection. And, I largely blame the medical community for that. Like I said in my first post, not only did my own doctor say that from a medical standpoint it was not necessary to disclose my having high risk HPV but others I knew have also received the same attitude/advice from their MD's. And while it may make sense considering that a large percentage of the population has the virus, you can't partner trace it, males cannot be tested for it, etc, I think that the fear of not really knowing about the virus is what scares most people off and causes reactions like my ex had. While yes, you really cannot do anything to stop the virus, other than the gardasil shot, but some of us are too old for that now anyways, something can be done on the education of the virus. While yes, for the purposes of open communication and honesty I should have told my ex about the virus, I chose instead to follow the advice of my MD. I really think that the medical community needs to change their stance on HPV. Patients should be encouraged to talk to and educate current and future partners about HPV, not brush it off. So, I'm thinking I'm going to do some sort of special project around that issue.

 
Old 11-25-2009, 08:12 AM   #15
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Re: a huge mistake....but did he overreact?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarberrie View Post
I really think that the medical community needs to change their stance on HPV. Patients should be encouraged to talk to and educate current and future partners about HPV, not brush it off. So, I'm thinking I'm going to do some sort of special project around that issue.
I sort of agree with you and I sort of don't. I mean, it is kinda crappy for a doctor to give you medical advice that if you follow will cause personal problems. I seriously share your frustration about the lack of educaton about HPV. I started seeing a therapist and when I told her about having HPV, she asked me, "Did you get it some wild weekend of something?" Ugh. I had to go into an HPV tirade. And then she said, "Well, that's another reason to get a pap smear." Hello! HPV is the only reason to get a pap smear.

But still, I don't really want to be the one who has to go around educating people about HPV. I just don't want that role. I learned about HPV the hard way, and honestly it sucks to put that additional burden on us HPV sufferers.

 
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