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-   -   My girlfriend just told me she has HPV (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/human-papillomavirus-hpv/730073-my-girlfriend-just-told-me-she-has-hpv.html)

OldSoul2 01-08-2010 12:11 AM

My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Hi all. After waking up with my girlfriend of 2 months on New Years Day, she told me she has HPV. This is not how I wanted to start my year off :(. Apparently she contacted it while in college when she was 18 and it has been 'dormant' since. I am pretty sure it is the low risk kind that causes warts since she told me she had them before. She continued to tell me that she recently noticed a bump. I feel that this is likely the reason she now told me. She has since seen her gyno and it was not a wart. She asked her doctor a lot of questions regarding HPV for us and her doc told her that she really needs not to disclose that she has it with new partners since it is so common and to use condoms. My girlfriend also told me that her last partner had Herpes but was also dormant (is it possible for me to catch this too?).

I have to say that I am pretty freaked out. I am just coming out of a 9 year relationship and this is my first partner since starting to date again. We have had sex 4 or 5 times before she told me. I can't help feeling a little betrayed since I was not told before we had sex giving me the opportunity to make a decision. I am also feeling that the trust in our relationship is broken because of this.

I never heard of HPV before. I have since asked my doctor and some friends but was still not comfortable with the small amount of information that I received about it. I have now read many threads on HPV on this board but I see some mixed feelings and comments and I am still quite unsure how to feel about this. I have seen some say that there is not much for men to worry about and that HPV is very common but it seems that these comments mostly come from people who have HPV.

I was fully tested for STDs before I started dating again and nothing came up. Do I need to be worried about passing this to another partner in the future? Should I be worried about getting warts?

Looking for some peace of mind for myself and also to allow me to continue my relationship without any resentment.

babsie 01-08-2010 03:51 AM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
o yes u could have contracted herpes form her also if she has it too!! i have both hpv and hsv2. HPV really does not affect men so no worries. most strands just mutate cells in the cervix that can turn into cancer. your a guy so u dont have to worry about that lol. I have the genital warts kind and most likely some other stand cause i just had an abnormal pap smear. also be in mind hpv is not testable unless and outbreak of warts is present or an abnormal pap smear. so theres no way for you to find out if u carry any of the strands.

LilyL21 01-08-2010 08:36 AM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Honestly, I'm in total agreement with your girlfriend's doctor about not being necessary to inform partners about warts she had a while ago. (You don't say exactly how long, but I'm assuming at least a couple of years?) I mean, think about it. Have you ever had a wart on you hand or foot or something when you were a child? Do you go around worried about spreading that? I know you were "fully tested" for STDs, but there is no standard HPV testing for men. Who knows, you might have already had it. The truth about HPV is that it's so common and there aren't any test to relaibly determine whather someone is contagious. The CDC says 80% of women will get it before age 50. I saw another study that followed women in college and found that 60% get it in the first 4 years of college. A partner who's never had warts really isn't safer than one who had warts a while ago.

As for the herpes, if her last partner had it, she might. Her chances of contracting it are low if he was on suppressive therapy and they used condoms. Who knows whether she has it? I personally think I would get a herpes test before having sex with a new partner after having a relationship with someone who had herpes . . . but it appears from what you said that she hasn't. Have her go get tested, and you should as well. She may not even have herpes, and even if she does, that doesn't mean you contracted it. I'm assuming you've never seen any sign of herpes on her? While you can still contract herpes when no lesions are present, that doesn't mean you autmatically get herpes the second you touch her.

francegirl 01-11-2010 01:22 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Old Soul sorry about your news. It's my understanding that yes you can pass it on to someone else but it's also possible that you may already have it yourself anyway, dormant, since there's no low-risk-strain test for men. Perhaps I've misunderstood.

Lily I totally disagree with you and the doctor about not telling him. I think that falls squarely on the opposite side of "doing the right thing". The right thing would be to tell your partner... you can share info with them, go see the dr together, whatever - at that point old soul could have decided that the risk of transmission was low and or he didn't care. Or he could have said "I don't want to take the risk". But he was never given the opportunity to decide.

I realize many people don't know they are infected and that's one thing. But to know you are infected and not say anything? I think it's wrong.

sowrong 01-12-2010 09:13 AM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Well nothing is going to easy that mind of your for the ones who have it have already learned to deal with it! Yes she is correct as far as the doctor goes about not telling your partners that you are infected with hpv. My doctor told me to do the same thing.. However, hpv can cause cancer in women if not treated. That is the real down fall to it all. For men as usual your okay! It sucks that its us women that always gets the crappy part. But such as life.

It will be up to you to deside what to do.. But no matter what decision you make remember she is human. She has feelings. And if Im right she hates herself for what she has just done.. I have experienced the same thing and it crushed me knowing what I did. However, do I stop loving and move on or do I move forward ALONE. Well thats a decision again only you and that person can make.

You really need to do some real soul searching cause no matter what you decide its not easy and never will be again. I wish you the best!

OldSoul2 01-12-2010 12:30 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Thanks for your all of your input ladies. I am still really confused and not too sure how to continue with this relationship. We have seen each other only several time since New Years Day and only for dinners or movies. I just don't feel the same toward her any longer.... I can't help but think about these diseases and that she did not tell me until after we had sex more than several times. I don't know if this is something that will go a way or not. I don't think I am opposed to her having HPV but both it and possibly Herpes are a lot for me to process right now.

I do not want to be undecided for so long and string her along. I am torn. I almost feel that I should let her go now while things are still early in our relationship to be fair to her. On the other hand I think we have a lot in common and I enjoy the time we spend together.

From what she told me, she contacted HPV (warts) when she was 18. She is 29 now. She recently found a bump 'down there' and was worried that it was a wort. That is the main reason she told me about it. As for the Herpes, she was dating a guy on and off (whatever that means) for about 3 years who had Herpes and was being treated for it. She said that when he had a breakout they would not have genital touching sex.

What is the likeliness that she has/had Herpes and I contacted or could contact it from her? Will it be safe to continue having sex with her if we decided to continue with our sexual relationship? Will condoms prevent getting HPV or Herpes?

I have never had or known anybody with an STD before and I am not really sure how to handle this. I REALLY do NOT want to live the rest of my life with a disease like Herpes if I can help it! During my sexual life I have been EXTREMELY safe from pregnancy and disease prevention.

OldSoul2 01-12-2010 03:29 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
I probably already know the answer to this but I have one more question...

Do the chances of contacting something from my gf greatly increase the longer our sexual relationship goes on?

Pickle Eyes 01-12-2010 07:32 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
No, the two of you have most likely swapped all strains of HPV which either of you might have had upon entering the sexual relationship.

OldSoul2 01-12-2010 09:37 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
[QUOTE=Pickle Eyes;4161844]No, the two of you have most likely swapped all strains of HPV which either of you might have had upon entering the sexual relationship.[/QUOTE]

Do I need to be worried about giving her strain (warts) to another partner in the future?

And what about Herpes?

Thisby 01-12-2010 09:57 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
Personally, I think you are overreacting. For all you know, her new bump could have been from something you could have given her.

IMO, she did everything right and sounds like a pretty decent person for speaking up when there really was a reason to say something. You haven't been betrayed, it's just your lack of knowledge about HPV that has you confused.

As for having passing on her strain, who says you've picked it up? Is it still dormant? Was that bump in fact even a wart? As for herpes, does she even have it? It doesn't sound like it, and if she doesn't have it, you can't get it from her.

If you are sexually active, you should assume you are going to pick up HPV because it's just so darn common. Getting upset because she had it years ago is a little overboard, IMO. I hope you can get over it.

LilyL21 01-13-2010 03:26 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
[QUOTE=OldSoul2;4161571]I have never had or known anybody with an STD before and I am not really sure how to handle this. I REALLY do NOT want to live the rest of my life with a disease like Herpes if I can help it! During my sexual life I have been EXTREMELY safe from pregnancy and disease prevention.[/QUOTE]

You have known tons of people with STDs, you just did not know it. They probably did not have even know themselves.

You may have think you have been safe, but let me tell you a little story about me. I was as safe as I could be until age 25. I didn't have sex until then. My partner and I got tested for "all" STDs before having sex. Then at age 26 I was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma in situ, caused by HPV. The recommended treatment for adenocarcinoma in situ is hysterectomy.

Did this girl lie to you and say she was virgin? If not, you really should have realized that there was a possibility of HPV infection. Most people don't realize that because there is a serious lack of knowledge about HPV. You need to come to terms with the reality of HPV, and that issue doesn't have a lot to do with the fact that your girlfriend had warts over a decade ago.

[QUOTE=francegirl;4160904]Lily I totally disagree with you and the doctor about not telling him. I think that falls squarely on the opposite side of "doing the right thing". The right thing would be to tell your partner... you can share info with them, go see the dr together, whatever - at that point old soul could have decided that the risk of transmission was low and or he didn't care. Or he could have said "I don't want to take the risk". But he was never given the opportunity to decide.

I realize many people don't know they are infected and that's one thing. But to know you are infected and not say anything? I think it's wrong.[/QUOTE]

Actually, she doesn't [I]know[/I] that she's infected. She knows she had an infection over a decade ago. I had a wart on my right palm when I was 8. Should I inform people of this before shaking hands? At some point you just have to consider yourself cured and move on.

I might be for always informing future partners if I thought it would have any affect at all on the rate of HPV infection. But it's wouldn't affect it at all. So why is the burden on those of us with HPV issues to go around informing the world of it forever? If you are of the opinion that you should inform future partners if there is any possibility that you could pass HPV, then we really should make blood testing for HPV antibodies available for everyone.

Getting tested would be "doing the right thing." Instead, we tell women who have the misfortune of HPV issues that they are now suddenly also responsible for preventing its spread while at the same time they just have to risk exposure themselves. That is for sure the wrong thing!!

I didn't have the "oppotunity to decide" and I got totally screwed over. And now I'm doubly screwed because I'm supposed to inform future partners and just hope and pray that they will be willing to take the risk with me. And I have no way of knowing whether I am taking a risk with them? Please. That is CRAP. I just refuse to accept it.

This is actually a non-issue in my life so far since I've been with the same guy since diagnosis. It just makes me so angry to see women criticized for not disclosing an old HPV infection. That's her choice. Her judgment call. It's not wrong for her to choose to keep it to herself.

Without testing available, HPV is a risk everyone has to take if they want to have sex ever. He [I]did[/I] have to opportunity to not take that risk. He could have just not had sex with her.

jbay 01-13-2010 04:43 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
It sounded like you blame her for those STDs that you could possibly have. Who knows you already have HSVs, i read somewhere that facial herpes are the same as HSV ( I dont know how true it is) but one doctor told me about it. I think it comes down to responsibility here, one HSVs and HPV are very very common to this date, so to actually feel "screwed" is kinda ridiculous to say, cuz i think everyone has HSV. it's just some dont know that. I haven't had a test on HSV yet but i can already tell i have one and so were all my previous partners. The whole "i took std tests", how sure are you that HSV testing where included on those test?

francegirl 01-14-2010 08:44 AM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
I would not like it if someone had genital warts (no matter how long ago; it doesn't go away, just lies dormant), and knew about it, and didn't tell me.

Yes, HPV is quite common. Yes there's no test for men. Yes plenty of women have the high-risk strain that causes cervical cancer and don't know it because everyone is not tested as part of checkups. But to have the low-risk strain and keep it to yourself until after the fact? I think it's wrong. And I'm not criticizing women only; I think if a guy had warts he should fess up too.

LilyL21 01-14-2010 03:03 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
[QUOTE=francegirl;4162984]I wouldn't like it if someone had genital warts (no matter how long ago; it doesn't go away, just lies dormant), and knew about it, and didn't tell me.[/QUOTE]

You say that, and I keep hearing it, but the more I read about HPV, the more I realize that there is just [I]no evidence[/I] of that whatsoever. Seriously, please point me to one study that shows that you have HPV forever. I haven't been able to find one. And if even a person doesn't have HPV DNA in them, it doesn't mean they are contagious right now or that they ever will be again.

There was a study that showed that in 91% of infections, HPV is reduced to indetectable levels within 2 years. With most viruses, indetectable levels is considered cured. Sure there are some exceptions to that like HIV. But the fact is with HPV [I]we just don't know[/I]. It also puzzles me that people only seem to assume that [I]genital[/I] HPV infections are forever. It makes no sense. Don't get me wrong; it totally could be true. There's not a lot of evidence in either direction.

Could her HPV just be dormant? Maybe. Is she still contagious? Maybe. Could she be contagious in the future? Maybe. There's way too many maybes with HPV to come up with any moral imperatives about what's right and wrong for people who have been diagnosed with it. At some point telling your partner "I might be able to give you HPV" is the same as saying, "I have had sex before." Over 10 years since a breakout . . . I'd say she's well beyond that point.

Informing all her future partners for forever is probably the right thing to do if she doesn't get to consider her own happiness in her moral equation. I don't know about you, but being completely selfless isn't something I require of people.

sarberrie 01-17-2010 04:03 PM

Re: My girlfriend just told me she has HPV
 
OldSoul, only you know how you feel about this and what is the right thing to do for you. I had a sort of similar situation......I was diagnosed with high risk HPV (the cancer kind, not the wart kind) and 5 months after diagnosis starting dating a guy. My doctor had said it wasn't necessary to tell future partners for all the reasons already listed on here, and I didn't tell him until we had been dating for about 5 months and I was stressing over my follow up pap smear. Unfortunately, he felt as you did, that he should have been told about this before we started having sex and ultimately ended the relationship because he thought maybe there were other things I would hide from him in the future and said what I did left a bad taste in his mouth. The breakup hit me really hard, and while part of me still defends my actions on not telling him, I learned a huge lesson from the experience and now plan to disclose my past history with HPV to future partners. Oddly enough though, about a week or 2 after we broke up I found a bump which turned out to be a wart (which was caused by a different strain of HPV than what I already knew I had) which potentially came from him.......so, go figure. At any rate, I know you have a tough decision to make. And honestly, it's understandable if you end things. Yes she will probably be upset and hurt and say you are overreacting, and I do agree that from a medical standpoint it wasn't necessary for her to tell you, but from the standpoint of being in a serious relationship she should have told you just to be open and honest. I still think that I shouldn't have to disclose my HPV, but like I said, I learned my lesson on that already and even though I don't like doing so, I tell people because I don't want it to come back and bite me from behind. Best of luck with your decision


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