Was really good friends with a guy for 5 years. In the beginning we dated a little, he loved me but I didnít want to settle down, was young. Then our lives went our separate ways. He got married and divorced at some point and I found out I have HPV (high risk type, no warts). Few months ago we got back in touch and little by little I became more and more convinced of how wonderful he is, how nice and good, thought he was the best man I have ever met, who could do no wrong and would never hurt me. I have always trusted him with my life, thatís how sure I was in him.
So I decided that I want to be with him and took steps to brake out of the friends zone. We made plans to hang out, got drunkÖ I thought we will just drink a little and I will tell him how I have felt about him and we will see where we will go from there. But we ended up over drinking and having unprotected sex, and I donít even remember how it happened. Just happened really fast, before I could think that I need to tell him about HPV.
I have always been honest with guys about it and tell them upfront. I had 3 sex partners since I found out and none of them cared. But I always tried to insist on condoms and warned them about future partners. They didnít care cuz they wanted to be with me and nothing else mattered.
Anyways, so with my friend Ė we had sex and next day spent talking about our rel ship, had sex again. Everything was great and the week was great and we were both on cloud 9. Made plans for next weekend but this time I sat him down and told him that I have HPV. Told him everything I knew, that its not the warts type, has no effect on guys (none of my previous partners ever showed any symptoms of anything), it could be carried by him later and that most people get it at some point through life, as it is very common, just not everyone develops symptoms. I know he had unprotected sex before.
At first he was fine with it, showed concern for my health. Next day we spent in each others arms and had sex again. But the following day he tells me that he did some research and its really bad what I have and it DOES affect guys with penile cancer and erectile dysfunction. He yelled at me thru a txt msg saying that how could I not tell him and put him in danger like that and basically said he doesnít want to know me anymore. I tried to explain. But he hasnít replied since (3 days).
I am so upset by this. Never have I thought that something like this would happen. And all the initial feelings of finding out that I have HPV are back. Iím hurt and depressed and feel betrayed. I want to scream! Itís not fairÖ I didnít sleep around to get this, and I donít deserve to be disrespected like this by an old friend who supposed to care and respect me.
Or was he right to react like he did? I wasnít planning to hide this from him. Never. But he said I should have told him while we were friendsÖ Why would I if I didnít think we will get together? HelpÖ =*(
Well, I think he totally overreacted for sure. But honestly, the time to tell him would have been before you two had sex. Telling him after it's already a done deal, I would have to agree that that's not exactly kind. Maybe the first drunk sex you could excuse, but the following time should have come with the info.
Turn it around, how would you like to sleep with a guy a few times, then he says by the way, I meant to tell you I have herpes?
If you're going to tell, tell first.
Meanwhile, he'll probably figure out later that he's overreacted but the damage has been done
of course i have thought about this from his perspective. and if it was any other guy who told me after we had sex that he has herpes or something like that id be pretty upset. but with this guy i wouldnt care. we have so much history and going into it, i knew that it could be permanent. if we stayed together it would be our problem, not just his or mine alone. i thought he was on the same page, thats why hes reaction still has me in disbelief. if he was planning to stay with me for good why would it matter if there is a risk of him passing this on to someone else? there was not supposed to be anyone else.
granted i should have told him about this before hand, like a month ago. if i thought this could be a deal breaker for us (me having hpv) i would probably mention it over casual dinner when we were still friends. but never in my wildest dreams i saw this outcome.
if i didnt tell him at all, he would have never known and everything would be fine. at future doctor visits i could always say that i just found out. but i wanted to be honest and told him, i never lied to him.
if hes so worried about his health he should quit smoking like he quit me. there are way more chances of him getting lung cancer then developing penile cancer or anything else from hpv. he takes a gamble every time he lights up a cigarette... i guess i am just not worth the gamble... FML
if hes so worried about his health he should quit smoking like he quit me. there are way more chances of him getting lung cancer then developing penile cancer or anything else from hpv.
You should call up and make him aware that smoking actually inceases your chances of having HPV issues since it suppress your immune system, so if he doesn't want penile cancer he should stop smoking immediately.
And since most people get HPV at some point...I think you should also ask him what makes him think he didn't have HPV before, and what makes him think that he didn't give HPV to you??
Are you still having abnormal paps or positive HPV tests? I know not everyone agree with me on this, but I don't think you have to tell your partners about an HPV infection if you haven't had symptoms for a while and are testing negative. HPV is usually "cleared" from the body within 2 years, meaning it's reduced to indetectable levels. With most other viruses, (except notably HIV) you'd be considered cured at that point. After that, no one can tell you whether your still contagious. Sure you might be able to pass it on, but everyone who's ever had sex might be able to transmit HPV. And since there really aren't tests to determine whether a person has HPV, I'd say as long as you don't lie and tell the person you are a virgin, they should be assuming the possibility of HPV infection by having sex with anyone.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that you didn't do anything horrible and really you are better off with out him.
i cant call him. he wont speak to me. i gave up trying after i sent a very long text trying to explain my side and more facts about hpv. he did research for a day i have been living with it for 3 years. safe to say i know more facts, then he could read in a day. he refuses to speak to me, so i guess hes on his own with this. hes choice.
i am not sure if my paps are normal at this point. i havent had insurance and was living alone so i couldnt cough up 300-400$ for a gyno visit (thats how much it costs here). but havent had any symptoms in a while ... but in reality who knows? could have full blown cancer for now... getting insurance soon so will be going full force to have this issue fixed and straightened out (my health wise).
im thinking i really shouldnt have told him. everything would be fine that way. but in reality im glad i did and glad that i found out what kind of person he REALLY is. would hate to learn that in a few years... that would suck even more.
You clearly realized your mistake. I do applaud you for acknowledging this and telling the guy anyways. Having been in his shoes, I understand how he feels. I don't think there's anything you can do to get him to speak to you. Hopefully he will take the knowledge he does have and talk to his doctor.
It goes without saying...always, always tell any potential partner about your HPV status before you have sex with them. Obviously you don't have to tell them on a first date, but if you feel the relationship is going to go to another level, then you have to tell him. Let him make his own informed decision. If the guy truly cares for you, he will appreciate your honesty and he'll stick around.
If your insurance doesn't come through, have you considered Planned Parenthood? They charge on a sliding scale and are very compassionate. I went to them for genital warts treatment and they were discreet, non-judgemental, very professional. It's so important to get regular pap smears when you have HPV. Just something to consider.