Ok I have asked a zillion people (online) this... and I know the ultimate answer is "ask a professional dammnit!!!!" well in regards to that, slowly through school I am sort of going through various levels of school-medical heirarchy... so maybe that'll lead somewhere (I hate my GP he is ...actually I don't know why... maybe I don't... I think its because 2 times I sat in there crying my eyes out and he said "nothings wrong stop being so melodrmatic" then I hid under a bench for a while).
Ok so yeah... so I wonder if maybe I might be bipolar... then again I also think well no I can't be, firstly because my mood doesn't seem constant more like it changes every day to every week or occasionally it'll last a month or something maybe two... but if it lasts that long it will fluctuate, and there will be the occasional (like 2 in the month) off day when I am the opposite of whatever I am feeling... I haven't been numb in a while but I remeber that... I used to get numb a lot, I thought I couldn't feel or think, I would only recognise the physical not emotional aspects of how I felt, so I'd feel my heart beat faster if I was scared and my stomach turn, but it wouldn't registar as fear, and it wouldn't mean anything to me, it was just there... I thought that this was indication of a very deep state of spiritual awarness... but its gone now whatever it was and I din't enjoy it much...
And I read those symtom lists and I am unsure what half of them mean...
"flight of ideas"? like flying... or what ideas flying lol with like wings? or what...
pressure to speak... see I am not sure about that because half the time I think I am speaking, then I realise I am just thinking, but I hear my thoughts so clearly and my imagination of my mouthing the words is so good I don't realise I am not actually saying them... but sometimes I do kinda feel I have to speak, I like speaking, but I used to speak so much when I was younger and everyone used to comment about it so I often feel non inclined to nowadays... I speak tonnes when I am by myself though, or talking one to one with people... but groups of people, unless I get all the attention, I dont like to fight for it so I usually let everyone else get on with it and just daydream or something...
I am very very distractible... I should be writing a (long since due) essay right now.. I have the word doc in another window... I have flipped back a couple of times but I still have only a few lines and ...eeeep I really should do it since I broke down crying to the teacher about "losing motivation" and she was awfuly nice about it and gave me extra time... eeeeeeeeeeee...
Also, whereas a while back my primary emotion was excitable joy... now my primary emotion is fear... everything is making me afraid,,, I screamed genine screams today... I opened the door of my class when the bell went - exactly on the spott I thought it was an alarm and it freaked me out... I worry a lot ...I think too much, it gets painful, its not the content of the thoughts, just that they feel like they cause friction in my head...
Another reason why I think my what is almost an obsession with bipolar is hypochondria is that... *lost my train of thought!!!! damnit!!!*
uum... oh yeah that I don't lose sleep constantly... I get like 4 hours a night, yeah and feel fine for a week or so but then I sleep all day for like 12 hours, then start again waking at night and do the 4 hours a night thing... then sometimes I will sleep like all the time because "I have nothing better to do" and "I don't want to be consious" but I am awake (if lethargic) during school... in the hols when I try and sleep all the time I will reach a point where I cannot sleep atall.
Also anxiety is weird for me, when I feel anxious I sleep better, I will go to bed curl up and daydream and it will be totally vivid and turn into dream sleep... and its annoying because when I feel anxious the only thing that makes me feel better is a) sleep, utter stillness, non moving or doing - total zoning out or b) pacing up and down and being figity and moving and I never can tell which to try this time... kinda like with nausea and eating
All the troubles I tell people about when talking about me and my ideas that I have real "issues" is always "normal" stuff... but I am supernormal I think, I have a lot of non normal experiences. I do more, have done more than most of my peers, I have less concept of "you can;t do that" about stuff more spontinaity and stuff, once I accidentily killed someone with my thoughts... it was really disturbing... I didn't think it would work but it did...
Ithink probably a lot of what I think is "manic" is actually a result of my sleep deprivation addiction, I am addicted to not sleeping (which has caused me to become addicted to caffine too - but not physically!!!) because it gives me an adrenaline rush to stay up late and get up early (or just not bother going to bed) but it also kills my concentration and makes school 100x harder... or so I thought but I have been to school when well resed and all that happened was that I was tired and spacy... if I get enough sleep I feel spacy and drugged, not bad drugged sometimes (other times ye)... I don't know... I have not said it all here there is more but I need to try and get something down as essay in the next 1/4 of an hour...
Ok I am back I am supossed to be in maths but I will catch up.
Here is me commenting on symptoms in relation to me
A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.
ok... what does "expansive" mean for one... secondly... how persistant, what if I feel great when with other people, or when doing something specific but feel kind of desperate and seeking if I am without people o show off to or a purpose to dedicate my energies to... or just bored and frustraterd...
inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
...do I ever not have this... I mean the only times I don't is when I am hating myself for not being as great as I imagine... so even then I am attached to those ideas... maybe I am NPD
decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
Feels rested... hmm no... can function and feels fine. Yes... but rested no I feel typical sleep deprivation symptoms like hyperness, burning eyes, lack of concentration, disjointed thinking etc
more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
see last post
flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
racing, like as in running after each other, but I mean thoughts aren't like things that run or fly, they are words and images and sounds and other sense perceptions that are complex and capabkle of abstracktness and stuff, they happen, but are always there in a sort of constant ...like pop up porn ads if you *axidentily* check out some *** s&m site and bing bing bing and you get liek ten on the screen, then you close a few - thats when 10 more pop up for each you closed... but if you just leave them alone they leave you alone or something,.. I think way to much I found out if I just think words without meanings it stopps me thinking stuff I don't like thinking about because it embarrases me or whatever (even if I am the only one that knows - I don't want to be stupid).. but id I think grelamis tongifan abil ansda garad erithelos phnaria wenisa leeth... etc then ... it means nothing annoying or stupid or whater so its cool
distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
Define unimportant... irrelevant... or just YES Oh yeah (perhaps it is ADHD + NPD? but I have empathy and compassion for others...)
increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
I figit a lot... I didn't used to but I picked up the habit when trying to lose weight (and I did, real fast... and I stopped dieting - still no gain though YEAH) and it never went away... sometimes I cannot stop my leg from moving, like the way some people do on weed but I am not. I also pace up and down all the time but only when alone. As for goal directed activity... probably not... I mean I'd need goals... what are my goals? To be brilliant is too vauge... to save the world... HOW??? To discover the truth, attain enlightenment... I have been listening to hypnosis tapes and guded meditations... to become a great magickian... I have been doing more magick recently (not evil murder stuff - that was truly an axident I didn't then know I had the power... I was messing around)
excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
I guess... but I tend not to think about the conceuences... I figure I will live a better life for the experience regardless... probably...
Whoa, there, sounds like somebody really needed to vent! It sounds like you really need someone to talk to. I see you're new to the board and I'd like to be the first to welcome you. Please know that you can always count on us here to listen to whatever is going on with you.
As for some of the definitions that you're looking for, a flight of ideas and pressured speech is a lot like what you wrote in your post....just kind of keeping on going and going and jumping from one idea to another. I don't think I am allowed to post URLs here but there are various websites with surveys that you can take that should give you an idea of whether or not you are bipolar or have ADHD or any other disorder. The internet is quite a lovely thing. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about your symptoms? I tried to get them out of your posts but to tell you the truth you weren't exactly clear about them. Maybe if you made a list?
Good for you for getting help though dear!
heh I don't need so much to talk to someone... I am hardly deficiant there... more I need to be understood. Which makes me feel like quite the typical teenager. Which is bizzare because what I am basically looking for is confirmation (or denial) of that very fact.
As for sympotms... ok,
wildly fluctuating motivation,
attention span (from hyperfocused to completly all over the place)...
avoiding sleep on school nights (e.g. I did go to bed already today at 6pm and got up at 9:15pm but I intend not to go back to bed because I have stuff to do... by stuff I mean go on internet chat and maybe go get chocolate... temptation to say fireworkes... but I have no money left... and won't get more until after fireworks night!!!!)
Which leads nicely into spendin\giving away all my money the day i get it (and this is after almost a year of never touching my bank account and everyso often realising I have like a couple of hundred quid... then hording it some more... I was sooooo frugal before!!!!) (e.g. "oh yeah I am so rich I will buy all my freinds presants" when I only have £60 for the rest of the month)
being really figity at school so that the people around me pass comment
being more talkative and "happy" with my freinds so they say things like "why are you so happy?" and (this one was a bit back) "wow she has facial expressions" and "why are you all of a sudden so interactive" because usually I would just stare at the wall and not participate in conversations - but at the same time I have been avoiding most of my freinds, except my best freind because I realise they annoy me (except on or two... but I find it hard to endure the rest because they are kinda boring and stuff)
Daydreaming about drugs for the anticipation high (I haven't done them or that in a long while and I do wonder if I will go down that path again... I keep thinking "it is impossible for me to lose control... ooooh challange... I should try" and stuff... not to the level I'd act on it, also because I am kinda irritable due to sleeping less and stuff I feel like doing drugs for that reason too... also because I keep feeling like I am on them already and wanting to prolong it... like now I feel kinda speedy, the other night (when listening to hypnosis tapes) I totally felt like I had taken pain pills... I was so convinced I was contemplating how someone might have posioned me with them because it felt exactrly like it, nausea, itching, bliss, irritation when taken out of bubble world, drowsy wakefulness, a sense of all pervading perfection...
Picking fights with my brother, all the time, for fun, even when I know I am in the wrong keeping going for the sake of arguing and getting to fight... also being less suceptible to my dads guilt tripps
A weird mixed sense of both powerlessness and omnipotence (omnific potential rather than ability mind) that either way only results in frustration.
A horrible trapped ness feeling where I have all these plans but I have to play their game first before I get to play mine... yet I feel that I can just play my game instead but then ...I will never be able to win their game if I don't play it... and even if its not as fun as mine, I could win, and I built up my character,,, and to throw it all away just for the sake of playing another game... how impatient is that... can't I just wait until I have won this one first.
...I don't know... I pride myself on my self awareness... but when it gets right down to it my language paradigm uses so much of the non-verbal (and its amazing how one only notices the streem of words shouting in ones consiousness and ignores all the stuff that is gnostic knowlage, or just non verbal...) ...I can't put myself into words so well, and other peoples words never seem adequate to describe real experience... theres always discrepancies... and words can mean anything, but one has to take into account what they mean to the recipient of words... not to ones self
I have been fantasising about killing people WAY more than usual (I often fantasise about faceless death... usually my own... that less so recently... and usually when I do it is part of a sexual fantasy) ... like just to see how I would react, because I want to know that about myself... and I have noticed once again how much I LOVE being angry... I mean there is nothing to be angry about I know of in my life, but just feeling the surging rage... that is bliss to me... and a part of me really wants to just let it overcome all inhibition... me and my best freind were seriously talking about going to a foreign country where the officials forget about crimes for a bribe... and just visciously killing someone... to see... and I am a pacifist... I don't want to be a bringer of pain... but oooh the aesthetics of death are so seductive.
On a greater scale I have been thinking again about my ancient story where I was going to lead the revolution - only I would find that anarchism needs more organisation than I anticipated - civilisation falls into direpair at my hand - the evil powers that were come into play and "save us all" and I am brainwashed into thinking they were right all along, my co-revolutionary kills herself I can't remeber why but she stays true to the cause unlike me, the other player in the revolution (the personification of hope, a weird guy who never speaks but inspires optimism in all around him) is killed by the powers that are again, and the morning star falls from the sky, but hope is reborn in a small boy who is wandering lost and alone, his family dead, decaying buldings scattered over the landscape and who finds the ring of lucifer which contains the souls of all hopes avatars...
...I used to think maybe that might really happen... it stopped me from wanting to lead the revolution because it might go bad like in the story... but I am thinking maybe I should go along with the story, even if I know the ending, fight the good fight and try to save the world, even if it results in faliure... because if I don't ...what is there? Who am I? and what on earth am I supposed to do??? Become an invewstment banker? An office drone? I think not...
I guess those aren't really a part of it... just they are on my mind...
I find it difficult to like have as many baths and stuff as I need (well to keep my hair nice) because I am usually busy and sometimes I just don't care or whatever because like - how superficial, the fact is hygine is waaay over emphisised these days... I mean people can survive if far dirtyer enviroments than are aesthetically pleasing...
Also I cannot for the life of me get into the routine of brushing my teeth ... I have tried, but I just can't do it every day because on day I will rush out then I will keep on forgeting to do it and stuff.
I can't keep my room tidy - I go on a major TIDY thing every so often and tidy everything all in one go... but most of the time I just let all the papers, disgarded poems\rants\drawinngs\theories\stories etc build up on the floor along with the books and paint and clothes... and I feel bad about abusing books I mean Books man... other kids borught up by TV, I was brought up by books... I was an early reader and a very acive one...
yeah... another annoying thing I do is make tonnes of long posts (way to long for me to keep concentration to the end anyway... so I can't read over them) to bulitin boards... blah blah blah blah... lol
fine... whatever, I don't really think I have bipolar. Just a waaay waaay active imagination that keeps confusing me as to what is or isn't real meaning I spend most of my time feel emotions pertaining to imaginary situations, imaigining I can stay up till 5am and be fine, imagning that I am a dark magus with energies of divine from the evil gods... I mean... whatever, I clearly am waaaay too influenced by the media... and I always said that didn't happen lol... the thin veil between what is and what is imagined has always been easy to cross anyway, I mean I am a chaos magickian, its inevitable that I experience a degree of destabilisation
i think you need some sleep. there was far too much for me to read properly..
you sound nutty to me but as a teenager it could be hormones, or just life.
you won't have much luck by going to see a doctor though. it takes decades for them to come to a diagnosis of bp.
what about the other side : the black death, depression?
I don't know... I used to remeber thinking I was depressed but it may have just been obsessive thinking about suicide and pain and stuff. I don't really rember, I remeber sleeping a lot, and apthy, and feeling like I was going to die a worthless junkie (even though that was before I started taking drugs... and was part of why I started, I sort of already felt like an addict... if that makes any sense) and wanting to always sleep, and being upset about my teachers wanting me to do homework when I would usually fall asleep when I got home from school, so when do I have time to do homework, and feeling fat and lazy and stuff... but I don't really remeber like I say... it seems like forever ago...
I mean mainly I remeber my freind telling me off for wallowing in self pity all the time, my other freind when I grilled her about what annoyed her most about me saying "when you were all depressed for months and didn't hardly speak and just sat in the corner" and lying in the road because there wasn't any real point in doing anything (but my freind got me to move and after being told off I tried to be more considerate and less "wallowy"... which didn't work that well, but made me talk about it less)
I have been trying to write to you on the is forum, something seems to be up with my computer so I might send this info in peices 'k'.
my name is Jennifer and I was diagnosed bipolar type 1 with mild phycotic features. I was diagnosed when I put myself into a mental hospital after a nervous break down accompanied with mania. Much of this was due to my job, I was a dancer for 4 yrs and slowley burnt out of mental energy for the lifestyle. I coulnt be what those peoplel are and couldnt do what they do for money, I went very broke and in debt. Even before I was offically diagnosed I knew I would never be like other people and that bipolar would be my friend for life.
Now I am not diagnosing you or anyone else but you do sound a lot like I do and I think you should start investigating.
all right then I shall continue. Bipolar is like diabetes in that it is different in every person that has it, so there is no perfect check list of symtoms. Some people are extrordinarily happy and elated a lot of the time and other people bounce around all over the place like I do. It feels like I live inside my head most of the time. It is enough to make other people very boring and draining, like I always know what they are going to say or do and they seem so simple like animals, whats more is that they think they are more intelligent than they really are and try to undermine me. I am bipolar not stupid!
right now I am on a downward slide into a manic depression, I am not that worried because I am in the numb stage right now. But I have pupossley missed my meds a few times in the last month, its like I want my brain to myself sometimes. I am physically adjusted (addicted) to the meds and not taking them screws with me. I did take them tonight Lamictal and effexor 150, but I am nearley out and do not feel like going to the drs again for another prescription. why dont they just give me like a years worth so I can stay away from there? but they don't do that with phycotropic drugs.
this computer is driving me nuts! I dont know if I am hitting a key or something but every time I have like one or two paragraphs down it dissappears and goes to the forum and I have to go back in.
I wish I had more friends but I have the feeling that I may be as disscontented with them as I am with most people. They do not understand me and do not care about the things I care about. I feel that most of the world is a super ficial place and everyone is a victem an addict and self important. My bipolar does (I feel) give me an amazing emotional IQ and I am constantley reading between thel lines of what people say, I think some of them sence this because they are uncomfortable with me.
I have noticed the weird little word games people play with eachother. I dont let people do that, it is insulting that they think I will not notice that they have tried to invoke certain feelings within me to get a desired reaction. Not only do I stop people from doing it I will turn around and grill them for it, I WILL ask someone "what is wrong with you, why did you say that, did you really think I wouldnt see it?" Then of course the person gets mad at you for burning them but why is that such acceptable behavior why should I be PC? There are many things that do not need to be comunicated with words. I am glad I am not like these people even if it means being bipolar.
So here I am it is two something in the morning and I am far from tired. considering staying up all night and getting some stuff done. I do not see anything wrong with sleep disorder, it comes with the territory and usually straightens out. Up and Down I go.
Dissorganized and random thoughts each one racing and each trying to win, it feels like my mind is exploding sometimes and the attention span is spead thin. I feel a lot of nothing right now, it is like walking around with my head in the clouds like a robot. Sometimes I only feel like a tenant in my own body, I havent wanted to bath as much latley, its like I dont care at the moment. I am absent, gone to lunch out for the afternoon. time does not exsist here nothing really does.