Wife had a complete abdominal hysterectomy at the beginning of April 2010, cervix and one ovary removed. For the previous 5 years we had been sexless with intercourse increasingly impossible and my wife considering sex to mean intercourse only.
She has no interest in sex now. Is there some hope that sex will return in the future?
What do other husbands do?
My wife has offered me a divorce 3 times (I declined)
She has suggested that I "find what I need somewhere else" which I am not inclined to try
The increasing frustration on my part is not healthy either.
She's probably more scared than anything. Her libido will return eventually, but she REALLY needs to talk to her gynecologist about this, and soon, and maybe a joint visit with the doc will really help clear some things up for her.
I had my hysterectomy last year, and was scared in so many ways. Would it still hurt? Will I be able to orgasm without my "parts"? Will he understand if I have to stop in the middle? And will he understand it's not him, it's my body? The fear of sex afterward is much bigger than the lack of desire.
Please hang in there. If she's gone thru years of pain (and most women who've had a hysterectomy have), it's going to take a while to feel somewhat normal again, whatever "normal" is for us! But you definitely need to talk to the doctor about possibly adjusting hormones, as well as restoring lubrication for her. In the mean time, is she totally against other ways of intimacy? Just a thought...
I hope things get better for you, I really do. I understand your frustration, but also see her side as well. It's not a fun situation at ALL, but it's one you can both overcome.
We live in Japan, it is old school medicine. HRT etc is not really talked about a lot, restoring sex life after such surgeries is not a high priority as a lot of women would let their men get it elsewhere.
A lot of people have said that we should try other things but she is really, really against that. For her sex is intercourse. The alternative methods are fine if I am doing it to her but not if she does them to me. Thus, it is one sided which I was fine with because we used to have intercourse so now without that I just have frustration.
I get that these things take time. I get that body etc changes. I just need to think that there is hope.
I feel so badly for you right now, because I know you'd like to fix this immediately! There is nothing more frustrating than wanting sex from your partner when they're not in the mood. I had a loveless marriage, and he never wanted sex, either...so I completely understand your frustration.
Okay, you mentioned culture, and I forgot we weren't talking about the States here. Since HRT is out of the question, do you have access to Marriage Counseling? She could have something going on much deeper...even deeper than hormone issues. She might want to look into seeing a Neurologist. Sex Drive is everything to do with neural impulses, so that might be a good place to start.
I admire you for not wanting to find your sex elsewhere. I also admire the fact you won't give up on the marriage, too. There are only so many times one can say "hang in there", because that's horribly frustrating!
So, to answer your question: yes, in normal situations, the libido does return. Maybe she just needs to understand sex won't hurt anymore...that's the reason she had her hysterectomy. If she can just realize it's okay, and it's not going to hurt, that would be a huge hurdle for you both!
That was good to read. Well sex is not the most important thing in marriage, it seems that for a lot of Western people sex life in the marriage is an indicator of the health of the marriage, that is something that I have really had to work a lot on (coming from that Western background, a lot of Western guys have problems with that here)
The point for me is then that there is hope. Marriage counseling is a bit of a joke in Japan not something that is availible, couples tend to go separate ways but stay married. That I guess is a tough one to explain.
We will see how the last check (90 days post) goes tomorrow. I had hoped that she would be more into cuddling at least by this point but still frosty on all contact.
Last edited by Shirokuma; 06-10-2010 at 11:27 PM.