football_mom

Hey guys! Havent been here in a while but I need to vent. I go back to my rheumy tomorrow but I have a feeling he is not going to do anything and I'll have to go look for another one. I am so hoping he will help me because I feel I can't go on much longer not knowing. Anyway, Sunday night I lost it. I have always been a very strong and hard headed person. Ive been ill pretty much since the 7th grade but have always been able to defeat an illness with help of medicine of course, but I mean the illness has never mentally got me down in the dumps and I've been strong enough mentally to tackle the problem. Whatever I have, which I have all the symptoms of Lupus and bloodwork postive once but doc. won't say yet, is really wearing me down not only physically but mentally also. I am not used to being weak. I've always been the strong one whether it be for me or others and people depend on me. I feel I am losing this war that is going on in my body and it is hard for me to accept. The pain is getting so bad that my pain medication is not even working. I got out of the shower the other day and it took me 10 minutes just to put my pants on because of the severe pain. My memory is getting worse, which could be from the APS. I mean most days I can't even remember how old my little boy is much less how old I am. I have to write myself notes at work just to remember what I am supposed to do and if I forget something well people get mad, which is understandable I guess. I had to half my hours at work and am only working 4 hours now. I keep getting my letters and numbers mixed up. I have 2 pages of symptoms as some of you already know but the pain is something I can not tolerate. I have extreme fatigue and the pain just makes it that much worse. I feel like I was at the top of a hill last year and now I am at the bottom hanging on with all of my might so I won't fall off. Sometimes doctors are so ignorant. I just want to find something that will help me. It would be different if I didn't have the pain 24/7 but I do. Alot of the days it takes all I have just to get up and go to the bathroom because it hurts to walk. I am 26 and I feel like I am 80 and I need a wheelchair or walker. I am soooooo frustrated. This kind of pain everyday is not normal and there is no doctor that is going to tell me that it is. I guess that is why I have been through several doctors in the past year. Why can't I find a good doc? How I hope I can get help tomorrow at my rheumy and I am hoping he will listen to me a little better than he did the first time and try and get to the bottom of this. I cried for 6 hours Sunday because of the pain and frustration. I am sorry to be so long but you all are the only people who really understand what kind of pain I am talking about. I try and explain it to other people and they think I am crazy because they don't think the pain can be that bad. I had one person say what does it feel like a normal growing pain or something - um NO!! Anyway, thanks for listening. I am so sad!!