Dead Beat Dad??? - Infant Care (up to 18 months old) Message Board

Kiedy · 09-28-2005, 02:36 PM

I need to vent!!

I'm so mad at my DH. I think he is soo lazy and I'm just furious with him. We've argued about this number of times but if he spends 1hr w/ our 2mo old son, he thinks he is helping me out lots.

He works so he thinks he can't do much. He has never got up w/ him at night, b/c I breast feed. He used to feed the baby before going to work but our son now refuses to take the bottle from him and after tryign for less than 5min my DH gets mad and brings him to me (claiming that he's been at it for 20 min). When I want to read a magazine or make a call, he'll hold him for 5-10 min and as soon as he starts to fuss he hands him over to me claiming he must be hungary so I should feed him. Last night I went to bed early after putting DS to sleep (DH was doing some work on the computer). DS woke up twice within half an hour and DH was furious as he walked to son's room. How hard is it to put a soother in child's mouth, and to rock him for 1 min.

When he complains about being tired b/c he woke up twice (for 2seconds) while I went to feed DS and then naps during the day I just want to punch him, b/c him waking up for 2sec to mine being up for 15-30min, especially when often I wake up 4 times b/c DS doesn't want to sleep after feeding, is just NOT the same.

He will help me a lot only when he sees me physically ill from lack of sleep and stress, otherwize I really feel like a single mom. I just don't know what to do...

Laur77 · 09-28-2005, 03:35 PM

I feel so bad for you! I swear it would be great if husband's had to spend a couple days doing all that we do (including all the laundry, and dishes, etc...not just the baby stuff). Maybe then they would realize what we go through. I swear they think we have it easy being home every day. I try to explain to my husband that, yes, he is working during the day, but I am working all day, all evening AND all night, without a break. If we are sick or tired, can't call in to work. He wants to come home and veg. I ask, when do I get to veg? Usually he is pretty good, but I really don't think he quite grasps what I accomplish in a day. He would be so overwhelmed with just taking care of the baby, never mind all the other house work. Also I get so frustrated with questions like, "Should I change him?". Well, does he need to be changed? After 2 months, he still has to ask how to mix formula (we only supplement, but still!). The other morning he got up for work. DS was fussing, but he just ignored him and went in the shower. I said, you know you could have changed him first. He can be so dense sometimes. Good thing we have a place to come and vent! Hope it gets better for you...give him a swift kick in the a@@!

Altson · 09-28-2005, 04:59 PM

Your DHs are only as helpless as you let them be. Of course there are the exceptions, men who are truly cruel, mean and don't want to help, but most really do.

Bite your tongue when Dad is doing things his way. The best thing that I ever did was to LEAVE the house and don't turn on your cell phone. He'll figure it out or he can call his Mom, Grandma, Aunt, friend whatever. Don't like to think about them asking someone other than you how to take care of your (meaning your and your hubby's baby, not just Mommy's) little darling? Then, more of the issues with lack of help are those your're bringing on yourself. I honestly see this rant all the time on this board, and don't get me wrong, I used to think my own hubby didn't do enough, until I realized, I was too controlling and thought I was the only one who could be Super Parent.

Step in to his shoes. If a crying baby seems to only be soothed by it's Mom, what would you do, heck, I'd give her that kid so fast, unless of course, she wasn't actually THERE to give the screamer to, then I'd probably figure out a Dad rock, jiggle, song, activity, etc. that made the baby happy.

Hubby's most definitely appreciate you, they married you didn't they? They are in AWE of all that we Moms can take on and get done, it intimidates most of them, and they don't know how to tell you. It's an enormous adjustment for them as it is for you. They now see their love goddess is a mother that can do no wrong and the baby loves Mommy more, they have sex way less, can't be spontaneous. The love goddess is tired and bitchy all the time and she seems to always be in control. There's a million more chores to do and NOW she wants help with all those chores too. He really can't win, if he helps more with the baby, he isn't doing it "right", if he helps more with chores, he isn't helping "enough" with the baby.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be the Daddy/Hubby. NO WAY!!!!

shonks5 · 09-28-2005, 05:47 PM

Well, I have had some of the same issues with my hubby, so I talked to him and said how about we each have set tasks and then help each other out when we need it. A lot of times he asks if I need help and I say no. Other times when I think he should ask he doesn't and I get mad. But the truth is I think that most of the time he does want to help. I do get mad though when he doesn't do "his" jobs, or does things I ask him not to. But I do some of the things I ask him not to and that is ok with me sibce I am so busy, but even still in a partnership that is not fair. I agree with Larsons that we tend to think hubby can't do it as well as us. I have always been the type of person to do things myself since I don't trust other people to do it "my way" or as good as me. My mother had some great wisdom and said he will not learn and help and feel equal and responsible unless I step down and let him do it sometimes. I have decided recently that I will let him clean the bathroom and not feel like I should be doing it myself. I still don't feel confident enough to leave him alone with baby, or to let him bathe her. He has a long way to go to prove to me she would be safe with him. I sometimes think she would but I am not gonna risk her getting hurt.

Laur77 · 09-28-2005, 08:15 PM

You do make a good point Larsons. Now that I think about it, my hubby probably asks before he does everything because he is afraid he will get in trouble for doing it wrong. I am very controlling with our DS, it has to be done my way or it bothers me. Hubby is just more lax (probably for the better) in what needs to get done.
Tonight he came home with a dozen roses for me!! Did I ever feel bad for thinking he doesn't appreciate what I do.
Oh oh, my DS just (literally right now) puked all over himself and DH. But instead of running in, I will let him deal with it himself, he can handle it!