DH and DS's relationship - Infant Care (up to 18 months old) Message Board

2fst · 05-11-2006, 07:13 AM

This is going to be long but it has been bothering me for awhile and I need to get it out. My DH and DS do not get along, unless DH is on the floor playing with DS, in any other situation DS always ends up crying. When DS was born he was a handful and very hard to figure out. Since I was home with DS I had the time to try and understand his neeeds. DH would be working every day but when he got home I would tell him I fgiured out what to do about this or that. DS is 11 months now and for the past 3 months DH and I have been on a more consistent work schedule. So when DH and I get home from work and on weekends DH spends the majority of the time with DS, while I get thingss done, since I have DS most of the day. The problems start when DH does things like feeds DS dinner, after awhile DS is crying and DH is fusterated. The same cycle happens with everything, diaper changes, getting DS dressed, bathes,etc. except for if Dh is playing on the floor with DS. DH is convinced DS doesn't like him. I say it is because DH puts alot of pressure on DS and DS knows it is coming. Last night DH gave DS a bath and before DS even got in the tub DS was crying. (And when I say crying these turn into downright sobbing sessions) So I come to the rescue again and DH swares that he never said anything negative to DS and DS started crying. I am so at a loss here. DH wants to make it work so I try and give him suggestions and ideas but nothing works. I know some one is going to suggest that I leave DS with DH and let them figure it out together. I have done this exactly one time since DS was born. (once in 11 months I was away from DS) My sister was in a bad skiing accidnet and we got a call she was being airlifted to a bigger hospital, which was awhile away from our house. So I asked DH to please watch DS (9 months at the time), so I can go with my family to be with my sister. He said it was fine and about 2/3 hours later he calls me at the hospital and asks when I am coming home. Turns out although my sister was knocked unconscience and had a concussion, she had nothing broken and was awake and resonpding. So I left and came home. DH tells me DS missed you and has been bascially whmipering and unhappy since I left. After all that I was like I can never leave DH to watch DS. He can't even handle it when my sister needs me more. I don't mind that I never get a break unless my mom watches him while I am at work. But what bothers me is that DS and DH do not understand each other and I have to be between them for the rest of our lives to keep peace.
Thanks for listening and reading this all the way through. I just need to get it out. I hope someday DS and DH reach an understanding, although I have no idea how.

shelliam · 05-11-2006, 08:10 AM

I used to say DH and DS do not get along. Some men are just not as good with babies but as soon as they can verbalize their need and become more active it gets better for both. My DS would cry if I handed him over to DH or left the room and OMG if I went out the front door and left him with DH! DS is 2 1/2 now and they play and DS waved goodbye to me and it was like it didn't happen. I also notice a little bit of frustration with DD but it is a ton better than it was with DS because he knows what to expect. She is also less needy than my son was. Please be patient and talk about it if you want but he may feel defensive so don't make it sound as if he can't handle his own child.He will get a rythym down soon hopefully.

Altson · 05-11-2006, 08:52 AM

First babies are so difficult on their parents! It will get better.

You need to leave your son with your husband and not come to the rescue. Your baby boy absolutely knows if he fusses long enough his Mommy will come take over for Daddy. Your hubby also knows that if he gets frustrated enough, you'll come running (whether he's doing it consciously or not).

Babies can be little dictators. They love to be in control, even at 11 months. He's figured out what his crying, fussing, laughing, playing, not playing, temper, etc. makes happen to his Mom and Dad, and which he prefers to be with during those emotional phases. He's just like you and your hubby really, just on a much more basic level. You know what smiling, laughing, pouting, fussing and crying will do/get for you when you do it right?

I'm a firm believer in your babies needing to figure out where they fit in to your family, not the other way around. Sure, parents have to flex and figure out their new roles, but it shouldn't be whatever you think your baby wants all the time, you have to keep yourself in there too and baby needs to figure out some things aren't always going to go his way.

Kiera1595 · 05-11-2006, 09:31 AM

I completely agree with Larsons...not only your son, but also your husband have learned that if they cry enough or complain enough, mom will swoop in and save the day. That's what we as moms tend to do. I agree, you need to leave your DH and DS alone for over 24 hours. DH needs to spend all day with him, put him to bed and get up with him in the morning all by himself. And he is not allowed to call you. He can call someone who's close to you like a family member for advice or even the doctor, but not you. It sounds like the two of them have not figured eachother out yet. DH needs to learn all of the tricks to make DS happy. Many men do not know what to do with babies, they make them uncomfortable and they do a much better job once the child can talk. But that doesn't mean that they are off the hook until then. If they wait until the kid is too much older, the DH has already fallen into the pattern of "not dealing" with the baby unless everything is great and everyone is happy. I bet that your son is also sensing that your DH is getting tense when it's his turn to care for him. I wish you luck. Make the arrangments to get out of town for a night. No one will explode, I promise. Do it for them and for you

Toot Toot · 05-28-2006, 01:46 AM

I have not read the responses to your post, but something that jumps out at me is the way you refer to your husband as "watching" your son. Your husband isn't a babysitter; he's your son's father. You and your husband are different people, and you'll have different ways of dealing with and interacting with yet this third person. They're father and son; they'll work it out!