I have some Q's about this Attachment Parenting (AP). I'll say up front that I don't practice this, I don't agree with many of the explanations behind it ( I do agree with many of the things you do with your babies...I just don't agree with the theory/explanations behind it), nor am I looking to be convinced to do AP...I'm just really curious about some things for the sake of understanding it.
First, here are my Q's to start off with...I'm sure I'll have more later on:
1. For those who do AP...do you intend to homeschool your kids?...or is there a general tendency to homeschool if you AP...or is it not even related?
2. What kind of intructions or expectations do you have for a babysitter? I'm talking about not just an hour or 2, but if grandma or someone watches baby for a whole day?
3. I'm curious how old the child gets before you put them in their own bed? No timeline?...a specific developmental milestone? How do you avoid 4, 6, or 8 year old children still sleeping in your bed? I'm just thinking if I let DD sleep with me as a baby...it would always "feel right" for DD & she would never want to go to her own bed.
I'm posting a bit below from a post by Northof60...she explained some things in another post...hoping to save you guys some time so she (and others) wont' have to re-type/re-write some things.
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Here's the clip that Northof60 wrote:
In short, you form an attached bond with your child through breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, minimal outside distraction, engaging interaction and learning, etc.
I practice attachment parenting, but not so much because I want to follow a "fad", because in truth I was doing it before I knew such a term existed, but because it just feels right. The basic premise is that you view your child like another person with needs, and you meet those needs as quickly, logically, and sensitively as possible.
I try not to rely on swings, bouncy seats, or play mats to get me through the day. They're there for both of us to use together, but I don't rely on them to entertain her. I use my bouncy seat to take a shower and use the stove to make breakfast because I don't feel it's safe to wear her while I cook, otherwise most of the time she's with me.
I co-sleep because I feel that as her mother I'm meant to share my warmth and protection with her. She sleeps her long stretch in her bassinet, but she's still able to hear me, I can touch her, and when she needs to be fed I just bring her back to bed with me (with out having to get up).
I don't let her cry. In fact, she doesn't cry much unless she's in pain, or I've neglected to "beat her to it". In other words, from being so close to her I've learned to read her cues far earlier then her crying. People say a cry is their only form of communication, but I try not to let it get to that point. I can smell a dirty diaper, and I can see lip smacking and hand chewing, I can see a look of disinterest, I can sense a movement of uncomfortability, I can feel if she's too warm or too hot, etc etc.
I believe that by including her in my life, and not just letting her watch it from afar, that she learns through interaction. Her mellow state of contentment also makes for increased learning and development and opens her up like a sponge. We talk all day long. I show her things. I teach her things (like how to load the dishwasher, or how to feed the dogs, etc).
You literally do become attached to your child. But the good thing is that it's VERY adaptable. You can take what works for you, and either do it, or change it to suit you. For the first two and half months I did not exclusively breastfeed. She does sleep in a bassinet. I do use a swing. I do own a stroller. But I still consider myself an attached parent. I think it's as much a state of mind as it is a check list of things to do (or not do).
But it's still not a parenting technique for everyone, just as CIO'ing is not for everyone. If you google "Dr. Sears" you'll find lots of info on attachment parenting.
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For me, the same as North, I did not "know" there was a term per say to this until i saw a Book by Dr. Sears all about it. I do what comes naturally to me and I guess there is a "term", attachment parenting.
As far as attachement parenting, in my case, it is to form a bond with my DS. I wear him on me, or I carry him with me while I do everyday things. This engages him in everyday life. If he is awake, we are together. I let him sleep for naps and at night in his own bed, in our room, but of he is awake we are dong "something".
I do not practice "co sleeping" in the same bed..just not for me or DH. We plan on moving DS to his own room and bed, but when we feel it is right for us...just as in any parenting situation.
We do not plan on homeschooling...we are sending him to a private school
As far as babysitters...I use my family and that is it. They know that I do not let my DS "cry it out"...they know how I am parenting and they respect that.
Because am able to pick up on my DS "cues" per say, he does not cry. Now, he is going through this "whining" stage and I worry about that, but I will work through it. My DS is very calm and mellow. We take him everywhere with us and he is never a problem child. I think this strategy of parenting makes HIM realize that his needs are going to be met and he will be taken care of without screaming his head off!
Like I said before, it is not for everyone and I did not even know what I was doing until someone told me I was doing this. I got the book and read it cover to cover...After seeing how DS has reacted to the way I parent, I believe in it and have seen proof that it works.
I can only answer what I know and do for my own family, but it's important to note that with ANY parenting style there is always room for over kill. I think there are people out there who take things to the extreme, like breastfeeding a 6 year old or sleeping with a 12 year old. If YOU do it, that's fine, but for me it just wouldn't work.
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Originally Posted by Gayle0000
First, here are my Q's to start off with...I'm sure I'll have more later on:
1. For those who do AP...do you intend to homeschool your kids?...or is there a general tendency to homeschool if you AP...or is it not even related?
No, I don't intend to homeschool, but for many people this is an important part of AP'ing. I believe kids need the interaction and socialization that they would get from school. I do, however, have many issues with the quality of public schools, but that's a whole other thread. I doubt we'll be able to afford a private or alternative school, which means that I'll be a very involved parent to ensure maximum learning, etc. But again, for those who want to homeschool, that's fine. It's just not for me.
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2. What kind of instructions or expectations do you have for a babysitter? I'm talking about not just an hour or 2, but if grandma or someone watches baby for a whole day?
I have only left her alone with her grandma (my MIL) twice, but I'm pretty lucky that my family is as "attached" as I am. I do have a few rules, if you want to call them that. 1.) No letting the baby sleep with a pacifier. We use it to help sooth her, if she'll take it, but I don't want it to be used in lieu of human comfort and affection, whether it's me, my husband, or a babysitter. 2.) No letting her just sit and cry. 3.) No letting her just sit on the floor or in a play pen staring at a mobile while you watch TV or talk on the phone (for example). That's pretty much it. I don't expect my family to wear her, or anything else like that. Feed her when she's hungry, change her when she's wet. The basics.
All I want to emphasis is that she be a part of their life. Even if they don't want to constantly be holding her, at least let her be close to enough to see what you're doing, and talk to her, etc. I'm pretty lax when it comes to other people, and my husband. The important part is that her needs get met, not necessarily how. If I'm too picky I won't be able to find someone to watch her.
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3. I'm curious how old the child gets before you put them in their own bed? No timeline?...a specific developmental milestone? How do you avoid 4, 6, or 8 year old children still sleeping in your bed? I'm just thinking if I let DD sleep with me as a baby...it would always "feel right" for DD & she would never want to go to her own bed.
I know that AP'ing is about child led rearing.. letting them wean, letting them choose when to sleep on their own, etc. BUT, here is where I put my own spin on it. As much as I allow her to "set the pace", I think there will definitely come a time when I have to start leading her in a certain direction. She already does sleep the night through in her bassinet, but, the bassinet is right next to my bed, and she starts the night with me, and wakes up with me.
When she outgrows that (which is soon!) I'll probably move the crib into our room so she'll still be with us, but by doing so I'll also be getting used to her crib. I guess you could say I'm leading her in that direction as opposed to her doing it when she's ready. I don't want to make that transition too sudden, because I think that she'll still need the comfort of our presence for quite some time. Since breastfeeding is such an integral part of her sleeping, I think she'll be sleeping near us for as long as she's breastfed. Which is fine with me.
Perhaps I'm not AP'ing, because many of the things I (we) do are adapted to suit us, but I think that's the beauty of it - it CAN be changed. Like I said before, I think it's as much a state of mind as it is a check list.
Some AP moms I have met online think strollers and swings are evil, and you don't deserve to have children if you use them. There are definitely extremes, like with anything else! I have a swing, a stroller, a play pen, a bouncy seat, and an exercauser, and I use all them. By many AP standards I would be considered "mainstream", but I think the important thing is how I use them. My DD LIKES to nap in her swing (which is what she's doing now). I don't think I'm harming her by not holding her while she naps in her swing, as some AP moms would think. What I don't do is leave her in the swing while I sit on the internet in another room (for example).
I also don't necessarily believe in child led weaning, either. Like you said it may "feel right" for her to BF until she's 6 if I let her, which is why I think there definitely needs to be boundaries for some things.
As you can see, for me, AP'ing means something a little different then it might for the next person. I think it would be IMPOSSIBLE to parent according to a book, word for word. At the end of the day you have to do what works for your own family. I think much of the literature is good as a starting point, so you can make your own style. I know many sites would say, from swing, bottle, a stroller use, that I'm NOT an AP mom, but I'd beg to differ with that.
Anyway, I'm babbling now. I hope that explained some things.
I think much of the literature is good as a starting point, so you can make your own style. I know many sites would say, from swing, bottle, a stroller use, that I'm NOT an AP mom, but I'd beg to differ with that.
I agree. I think it is all in HOW you use these things. If my DS is in his swing then he is asleep..never awake. If he is in his bouncy seat, I am there engaging in the activity with him. If he is in his exersaucer then I am there engaging with him. Everything I do like work out, talk on the phone, and shower is done while he is asleep. It is HARD and EXHAUSTING but I can see the day to day enjoyment my DS gets from it. I do not go to the extreme either, but to each his own. I never leave my DS to just swing the day away, or plop him in a playpen.
Well, I guess I should start by saying that I do practice much of AP'ing. It was a choice that I made when my son was born. So far, it has made me a better mother, and him, a happier child.
Gayle, you mentioned that you don't agree with the explanations or theories of AP'ing, but I'm not sure how you could argue the benefits.......Basically, much of AP'ing is nothing new, but something that parents ( mostly) mothers have been doing for centuries or more. It's mostly in the U.S. that parents have strayed and formed a more " contemporary" way of parenting.
Now, I myself have done things that are both tradtional and non with AP'ing. I have breastfed exclusively, co-slept, ( it just wound up this way) and spend all day with ds. I do however use a pacifier, swing, pack and play, and television. I want to make one thing clear. AP'ing is not an instructional form of parenting. There is no right and wrong. Noone is telling you what you have to do and what you don't. I read Dr. Sears book, and felt comfortable with that particular style. I am in NO WAY shape or form the type of mom to ban television from my home, sugar, etc. I do not cloth diaper, grow my own food, all of the things that may be roumored to go along with this.
I just can't see how not spending most of my time will not benefit my child. He is neither clingy, needy, whiny ( well most of the time, lol) spoiled or bratty. There is much research that very attentive parents have very independant children. When they have the security from you, they are eager to explore. That is not necessarily only the AP type, but most parenting types. Right?
I think that AP is getting a bad label here. I think that it may be a little misunderstood. There are many variations on this, Dr. Sears web site goes in to it if you are interested in learning about it.
Now, as most of you know, I don't believe in CIO and spanking. I know that many people here do, so to each her own, I will not get into it, because just like me, you have your mind made up about that.
Will I homeschool? Hell, no! There is no link between AP"ing and homeschooling. I feel like that is just scary, I'm sorry. Will I ever leave my kid with a babysitter? My mom and MIL, and a few family members. They all know how dh and I feel, and thankfully they believe pretty much the same. I will not however leave ds overnight for a few more years, I just don't feel comfortable.
I hope this has explained my version of AP"ing as best as possible. I know that this will probably become a heated debate, but there is really no need. Quite honestly, I feel like most mom's especially SAHM's all have various forms of this going on, it just never needed a lablel.
Robert Michael Born on 3/20/06 
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