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Old 07-10-2006, 07:53 PM   #1
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myloathe HB User
Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

Boy do I have a dilemma! Actually, it's twofold. My dd is 6 weeks old I am supposed to go back to work later this week. Luckily I only work parttime. Here's my situation...

This is my first baby and I am a bit fanatical about things, like making sure you wash your hands before touching her. Anyway, when dd was about 5 days old, my dh fell asleep with her on his stomach and I was next to him sleeping. I woke up, it startled him, and dd went rolling over the bed onto the floor! He picked her up and went to the other room crying his eyes out. Luckily, dd was alright. She was swaddled and fell onto the doggy bed (thanks Gizmo), but I still took her to the ER. They said that everything was ok and all of the doctors and nurses had an "almost killed your child" story for us, but it did NOTHING to ease my mind. I didn't talk to him for almost a week and when I did, all I could do is scream to him about how I had told him numerous times not to fall asleep while holding her because he sleeps to hard.
I mean, how could he be so careless?? Anyway, since then, I've only left her once with him, for a few hours so I could go to bingo, and I thought about her all night. I'm supposed to go back to work in a few days and I am terrified about this. How will I get thru this?

The other part of my story is this. I don't know if it's because she breastfed, or maybe she remembers daddy tossing her, but she screams bloody murder about 80% of the time when he holds her. It's to the point where I actually feel sorry for him. Other than that one incident, he has been a great father and loves her more than anything, but I can tell that it hurts him that she screams like that with him. To make things worse (for him, not me!), he'll hand her to me and she shuts up all the time. I'll have him talk to her, feed her, cuddle her, etc, and she still screams. I love the fact that she has bonded with me so fast but it doesn't help now that she has to be home with daddy for 4 hours. Any suggestions on things I/we can do to make dd more comfortable with dh.

 
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Old 07-10-2006, 08:07 PM   #2
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

This thread I can actualy help you with. See majorty of babies at first will only be able to distinquish who the mother is. Father usually comes about 4 months later. Around 4 months later she wont cry as much when daddy holds her. My son Ryan was like that for about only 2 months. He is now 2 months old and doesnt mind my Husband holding him. And of course she will go silent and be all content when you hold her. After all my ped told me that an infant usually still thinks they are apart of you. So basically she is going to want to be held a lot. I too am still somewhat afraid of leaving Ryan alone with my Husband, because he does get frustraited. You need to sit down with your Husband and talk with him. Tell him not to get frustraited its normal for a infant to know who there mother is only. That will just take some time. I also dont think your Husband really means to be careless. My husband kept falling asleep with him on his chest too. That pretty much went out the door when LilRyan fell down on another pillow. Oh your infant is stronger than you think

 
Old 07-10-2006, 08:10 PM   #3
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

WOW! I really feel for you! That would be a really horrible situation to be in!

I don't even know what advice to give you. Well, I don't think you will have to worry about your husband falling asleep holding her again. It looks like he learned from his mistake, and was very sorry for doing so.
I don't think your dd would remember who "dropped" her though. At such a young age, I don't think they have that kind of association or memory. I think it is something that the both of you will need to keep persistant on, so that you feel comfortable leaving her.
My dd will do the same thing sometimes. Not to your extreme, but she stops crying for me, when she wouldn't for my dh.

Hope that helps,
stacey

 
Old 07-10-2006, 09:14 PM   #4
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

Oh no!!! That's unfortunate that your baby fell off the bed, I bet all of us at some point have a story like that which we chose to forget.

One thing I'd like to mention tho is that your poor DH must be punishing himself enough without you adding to his punishment... He was so upset he cried, that speaks volumes. Remember that his confidence will be knocked now and he needs you to support him and give him credit for things he's doing well. He is probably so nervous now about holding the baby that your DD probably feels his anxiety and stress (they can smell it a mile off). This could be another reason why she cries when he holds her. To make DD more comfortable with DH, try to get DH to be more comfortable and confident with DD... allow them time to be together and for him to sit and count her toes...

Keep in mind that dads don't have the same time that us mums do to learn the ins and outs of parenting, you need to have him look after your DD maybe bath her regularly to build a sense of confidence and mastery for him. If you think he is doing something that you wouldn't do, remember there is always a different way to do the same thing and he will need to learn like you did...

The best thing I did was let my husband be involved in my dd's bath and bedtime, my dh baths her and gives her a bottle before bed. I love the time to myself and also it means I can get dinner on the go without worrying. You have to leave them to it tho.... it took me a while to be able to not listen at the door to see if everything was ok... heheheheeee.

Good luck and try not to bring up the moments DH would like to forget


 
Old 07-11-2006, 12:17 AM   #5
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

i hope this does not sound harsh but it was an accident which really had baby been in cot or crib would not have happened this is why i never had ds in bed with us i would worry to much about him accidently being smothered some accidents are avoidable. i had an accident too ds backflipped out my arms in the garden whilst stupid me was trying to bring in the washing therefore this could have been avoided had i not being trying to do something else with ds in my arms hence i know longer do this. i also understand the fear when babies fall i took ds to hospital too i was hysterical yes he was ok but i learnt a valuable lesson. it was an accident you need to move on or it will drive a wedge between you both. i am sure dh feels bad enough as it is.

if your dh loves your dd then you have no fear he will ensure she is safe. if you watch his every move it will make you more paranoid, i know my dh tells me to clear off when he is with ds i had to learn just because he does things different does not mean he is a bad dad. ds loves him to pieces because i have encourage dthat bond to develop this is what you need to do or it will reinforce dd to be upset you need to allow her to get to know her daddy.you need to allow them longer periods together and you know what they will both do just finethey just nedd to gain confidence with each other like you had to do when she was born too. i am sure it will all be fine
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Last edited by weepyone; 07-11-2006 at 12:26 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2006, 05:32 AM   #6
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherbet
One thing I'd like to mention tho is that your poor DH must be punishing himself enough without you adding to his punishment... He was so upset he cried, that speaks volumes. Remember that his confidence will be knocked now and he needs you to support him and give him credit for things he's doing well. He is probably so nervous now about holding the baby that your DD probably feels his anxiety and stress (they can smell it a mile off). This could be another reason why she cries when he holds her.
I agree. You've obviously undermined his confidence with his own daughter because of an ACCIDENT. Not speaking to him for a week??? You act as though he deliberately fell asleep with her on his shoulder and then just to **** you off flung her off the bed. Jeesh, accidents happen, she's okay, tell your dh your sorry, and get over it.
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Old 07-11-2006, 12:05 PM   #7
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

Sherbet, you worded things so nicely and helped me to calm down a bit. Sickofit, you took the line I was about to.

OP, my goodness...your husband cried, and you have the heart to not speak to him? And then you said something in this post about when your husband "tossed her" off the bed. Wow. I feel so so so sad for your husband.

I'm not sure how old you are -- although I'm assuming you're very young -- and I'm not trying to beat you up (none of us are, I'm sure), but please take the advice to move on from this. Tomorrow brings enough trials of its own. Deal with them as they come -- WITH your husband. Allow your baby's father to form a relationship with her.

Please let us know how things progress! Take care.
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Old 07-11-2006, 12:54 PM   #8
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

I do thank you all for your replies, though I think that some were just a tad bit critical. Perhaps I should have told more of my story, then it would've made more sense why I'm so paranoid.

Firstoff, a guy we went to school with just lost his 1 year old by smothering him when they were sleeping together. This happened just 2 months before dd was born and all we could talk about was never sleeping with dd.

Another problem is that my dh has a really bad back, and he takes a lot of oxycontin on a daily basis (more than he should in a given day). This causes him to be extremely drowsy and makes me paranoid when they are both dozing off together.

Now, that being said, I realize that no one is perfect and accidents happen all the time. I just want to minimize the number of accidents that happen with our daughter.

To the person who thought I was young, I don't think so. I turned 30 this year and I am a well-educated person, maybe too educated.

I don't prohibit my dh from bonding with our dd. In fact, I encourage it. And I realize that he loves her more than anything and is really excited about being a first-time dad. Heck, he gets excited when she poops on him, like it's a good thing:-) It is possible though that he is tenses up, especially since he knows she's going to cry, and she probably does sense this. I definitely though want both of them to be comfortable with each other, and hopefully, that time will come soon.

 
Old 07-11-2006, 03:55 PM   #9
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Sherbet HB User
Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

I think your concerns are valid when it comes to your dh's medication side-effects. Perhaps for safety and marital harmony, put baby in her cot

Good luck

 
Old 07-11-2006, 11:27 PM   #10
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

I swear you just wrote my life story the exact same thing happened with my DD I am afraid to leave the room with her and my husband alone and it makes me want to cry because it wasnt like this when I was growing up with my dad he could be trusted and its like hes a complete moron when it comes to her sometimes.

 
Old 07-12-2006, 05:12 AM   #11
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Re: Scared to leave baby with dh! HELP!

myloathe, sorry to hear about your friend's baby. Of course that must be on your mind. A friend of mine's baby died at just over 3 months from SIDS and so that's constantly on my mind. Also with your hubby's oxy use, I would suggest that he not have/hold her in bed at all. Didn't mean to sound so critical, but like you said you didn't really explain the situation fully. Good luck.
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