Can some of you younger moms please help me to understand something that I think I must be out of touch with? How many times weekly would you consider enough or too much to visit and help a nearby son and wife with their 16 month old? Both parents work full time and the baby is in a good daycare M-F.
I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.
I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.
I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.
Can you share the reason for your question? For instance, are you the grandparent and have you been told that you are visitng too much? Or are you the grandparent and you feel like you are being called upon to help too much? Or is there anyone issue?
i think i am one of the lucky people and i get along great with my mother and father-in-law, (i actually get on better with them that what i do my mother) my husband is also very close to them, so ive always had them around often and since my dd was 6 months old they have looked after her while i went back to work.
i agree it depends on the parents, some people are very independant and feel like people offering help are actually assuming they cant cope, the best thing i can advise is to explain that you love your family and their recent addition and that you are there for them if they need help and not force it upon them.
i hope this helps
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Mia-Louise jan '04
Jacob april '07
While I'm sure there are specific reasons you are asking, for me, I would think that coming over more than 2-3 times a week would be my limit. Especially if I was working full time. When someone else is at the house, even if they are extended family, it is still "entertaining" and can be difficut to manage. During the week, it's hectic at the end of the day (as I can imagine, since I'm a SAHM), with picking up baby at daycare, making dinner for everyone, getting baths and playtime in, and just unwinding, etc.
Maybe you could offer to make dinner or pick up the baby at day care? That would be a help and would still allow you to visit without being any sort of extra work on the parents.
On the weekends I would plan on a specific time or specific event for visiting, around baby's nap schedule. Again, doing some sort of outing with the baby while the parents catch up on housework, sleep, (sex!), or errands would be a help and allow you and baby time to visit. And it's always good for grandparents/grandkids to get to know each other without the parents involved "guiding" the relationship.
Whatever you do, have an open and honest discussion with the child's parents about your involvement in their lives. Tell them that you don't want to step on toes, or overstep your boundaries, or whatever, but that you want to be involved in their lives and ask what they think those boundaries/limits should be. Come up with a plan together that everyone is happy with. Good communication, without being overly emotional (on all fronts) will help the child most of all, and that's the point, isn't it??
Each and everyone of you deserves a great thank you. You aare helping me through a very difficult time here as a grandparent. I guess I have been taken aback to discover what I thought would be a pure joy in my life has encountered some periphal hurts. And yes, absolutely my grandbaby is paramount in many ways. But I am learning as well that my parenting of my children is going to once again always be most paramount if I want the pleasure and joy of indulging myself in my grandbaby. Sigh. I am getting old and sometimes the process of learning everyday becomes more tiring than enjoyable. I will, however, thanks to the wisdom of all your words, keep plodding along.
Try not to get too discouraged and see if you can work things out with the parents in a way that is acceptable to everyone. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go from being so involved in your own children's lives to having to take a step back when it comes to your grandchildren. If you can work with the parents and try to fit into their picture of how things should be, it will be a lot easier and you will get more grandparent time. If they're asking you to back off a little, I'm sure it's not because they don't want you in their lives at all, it's just that they need more space and time with their own child, especially since they both work and don't have as much available time as you might have had when your kids were young. Don't sulk, whine or go away, that will make it worse, just let them know that you respect their need for some space but reiterate that you're willing, available and very interested in spending time with your grandchild whenever they can take you up on it, and leave it at that. Most likely, they'll think things through and try to give you more time. Try to be thankful that they're being up front and honest with you, as much as their honesty hurts right now. Hang in there!
Hi Reachout,
I would say once a week is more than enough for a visit to your sons house. Especially if both parents are working. I know when I get home at the end of a long day, I still have dinner to make, housework to do, and everything to get ready for the next day. I dont think I could handle having visitors over more than once a week....there is precious little time for parents who both work these days. In saying that, if you really want to help...that is very nice of you. Maybe you could offer to babysit at your house, so that would give the parents some time to themselves, or let them go to a movie once in a while. That way you will spend precious time with your grandchild, and the parents will have some time to recharge their batteries. As long as you volunteer your help instead of insisting on it, you guys will all get along great. Sounds like you will be a wonderful grandmother!!!
I think it would all be in what you feel comfortable - and the vibe you are getting from your son and his family while you are visiting as to whether or not it is too much. I can tell you that I have a 2-month old who has been really tough - she has had colic issues, etc. and I think my mom has come by at least every other day since I got home from the hospital because she knows I appreciate the break. Unfortunately, with my mother-in-law, it is a bit different. During her visits she was constantly telling me all the things I needed to do differently and all the things I was doing wrong which made me feel VERY inadequate so a visit from her more than once a year is too much . I think the amount of visits depends on how social the parents feel like being, how the baby is acting, and of course, remember that new parents want some space from all the visitors because they want to try to share some special time alone...which can be tough with both parents working full time.
Not sure if I helped you at all or not. I would honestly recommend just coming out and asking what THEY thought was ok for visits. Good luck.
she was constantly telling me all the things I needed to do differently and all the things I was doing wrong
My least favorite moments with my mil are 'when my kids were young....' well, things have changed ALOT since her kids were young (more than 40 years ago) and my mother constantly trying to be the parent instead of the grandparent. I'm not saying you are doing any of these things, but in a tired, emotional and overworked state your son and dil are in, things that are well meaning may not be sounding that way to them.
Maybe you can talk to son and dil about taking baby out of daycare 1 day a week for grandma time? It would save them money and you can still spend a day doing fun things with lo and you won't be infringing (not right word, but you get where I'm going) on their family time. Because they are a family now and need some time to be their own unit.
i'm sure everything will work out...keep plugging!
My least favorite moments with my mil are 'when my kids were young....' well, things have changed ALOT since her kids were young
I feel the same way. I don't think she means it in a way that puts me down most of the time but it still irritates me. Her oldest is 36 and my dh is 30, so yeah it's been awhile since she had babies! We have our ups and downs, but for the most part my mil is a good woman who loves her son and grandchildren and so I really try to get along and let the little stuff go.
As for the OP, I see my mom a couple of times a week, but I go to her house with the kids. My dh usually brings the kids to his mom's a few times a month. They don't usually come to us unless we specifically invite them.
For me it depends upon the time of the week and time of day. I get frustrated when I arrive home from work, picking up ds from daycare to have my inlaws waiting in the driveway. I'd just like a little time to unwind from my day, talk to DH about his day, but they arrive around 5 and don't leave until 10 and I feel as if I have to entertain, visit.
Weekends, aren't too bad if I don't end up spending my entire weekend with them. I don't mind going for supper one night, but there are things I need to get done around the house -- cleaning, laundry, pay bills.
Some ideas that friends and I have enjoyed in the past were:
1) Something that I would love would be a parents night out (not an option at this time for me, but definitely and option for your son and his wife).. maybe you can take friday and keep the child versus daycare and the parents get a night out without baby in the bargain.. I know I would leap on the chance to get away and have purely adult time.. call it a date night.
2) Weekend at Grannies.. we do this once a month alternating GPs if at all possible because we no longer live in the same State as the GP's.
3) But offering to baby sit in place of daycare maybe two days a week might be acceptable..our friends have GPs take the children to the zoo and park and stuff TTh. This saves money and gets GP and GC time with out invading Parent Child time.
When I lived in town with the in-laws I had no problem with more than one visit a week if it was planned.. unplanned on drop ins were unnerving and used to get my back up. It seemed that my husband and I didn't have the chance to be the parent.. the GM was trying to do it all. As new parents we need to feel hands on.. and learn by our own mistakes. We also will be more likely to ask questions if advice is not thrown at us.. my mom was always telling me how to raise my child.. took about six months to draw the line there..
I would say be available and let them know you are more than willing to fill in.. also invite them for a weekend at your place now and then. Plan a meal and movies or picnic.. anything to show you are the sweet and helpful Granny you appear to be.
Respectfully,
MG
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If we learn by our mistakes, I am working on one hell of an education.
I am using some of your good ideas and thoughts. things will work out for sure. Learning takes a lifetime and I know I have lots left to learn. Smiles to all
reachout
Just thought I would update you on the grandparenting situation:
I have switched gears a lot here on visiting my son's house to see grandbaby and doing housework and cooking and laundry for them. ( My hubby did the yardwork). Son and wife work full time and are very busy. We mostly went when the house was empty during the day and did a lot of work and let the dogs out so they would not pee in the house so much and because 8 hours is a long time for the dogs to be locked up (one is caged during the day). The kids were very appreciative of this and often thanked us and told us that they could never get these things done or have clean clothes without our help because they just didn't have the time or energy to do all the household stuff that is necessary and could not afford a maid. Once or twice a wek, we would still be there when daughter-in-law came home from work. We would pick the baby up from daycare for her after callingher first to let her know it was one less stop for her to make. She would get home around 5, supper would be made and we would play with the baby until his 7 PM bedtime. Yes, we would ask if we could give him a bath. No, she did not have to entertain us at all. In fact, we told her to use the time to do whatever she chose. She would check her email, read, go to the store. Once in a while, we would call and ask if we could visit for a short while on a Sat or Sun because we never got to see our son who often does not get home until 8 PM.
I was told loud and clear that I, not my hubby at all, was not allowing them to be parents. Yep, I was hurt deeply. There was no objection at all to all the work that was being done for them, but being there 1-2 times a week when DIL came home from work was more than she wanted. I was to chose 1-2 days that were to be planned days and to make sure that I called before coming on the planned days. I declined. It felt too forced and uncomfortable for me. I could come whenever I wanted for the dogs and housework, but that felt pretty unfair and lopsided to me so I have declined that also.
So now I just don't go. It feels like boundaries were being formally set to follow what was already in place. I was told I was causing my daughter in law serious stress and issues in her life.
So now, I just don't go there. I was aksed on Monday to babysit because day care was closed. I babysat from 8 Am until 7 Pm.. at my house. And you know what? It was great! I followed all dietary rules set forth ( I usually always do), got my own housework done in between watching baby and had a wonderful if tiring day with my grandchild. On Friday, the exact same thing occured. And again I watched the baby the entire day. her mom watches him every thursday to help them save on daycare and her great grandmother joins in. My DIL gets upset because her parents never come to visit to her home.
I just do not understand my DIL, I think. But it is resolved for me. I will not go to their house anymore. I will not do work there when they are not home. I will do my own household work and continue to make my home open and available. Yesterday they all came here to see hubby for father's day. It was a cordial and relaxed visit. Hour and a half.
What I perceived as a "Naomi and Ruth" relationship is now a very guarded relationship between us. My son is sad and pretty much blames it on me. But thus is life. I am actually pretty happy now in this new arrangement. I am much less stressed and having a great time with baby. However, I have also decided not to be available at their beck and call with babysittting anymore. It can not be constantly unplanned and as they want to practice being parents, they must also practice being adults with their own home and pets to care for. I have been practicng the same for a lot of years now.
hi, i just wanted to say that i think your DIL is being awful,
you can come and clean THEIR house let THEIR dogs out etc which of course is not your responsibility, but you must go before she gets home?!!!!forgive me if im wrong but isnt cleaning up after your kids and dh part and parcel of being a parent? she seems quite happy for you to not let her be a parent in that respect. im sorry if this is harsh but im actually pretty appauled. im glad your making a stand and letting them come to you. maybe she'll realise how much you helped her now its not there.
Thank you very much for having some consideration for me in this. I don't mean to sound llike a whiny pants here, but I do want to tell you that I fought hard with all my might for eight months to get well from some serious health isues. I am a ten year cancer survivor who lost part of a thigh to a rare cancer. I have been on pain meds for ten years now to help control my ****-eyed walk, but fought all this hard and have continued to work full time. Two and 1/2 years ago, I suffered a heart attack. I was put on so many darn meds because of that. All the meds were what seemed helpful, but all cause extreme tiredness and depression. Lsst October, I fell totally apart. I had a complete breakdown.. physical, spiritual and emotional. At 55, I was fioorced to retire from an job working with immigrant teens and slow learners. I was devastated to have to leave a job I love so much. I also came off all pain killers.. a very, hard slow taper that was torturous and just deepened the depression greatly because it is the same as an addict withdrawing and recovering. I was open and honest with everyone in my circle of family and friends about my condition and my withdrawl from opiates and Xanax. I have changed my life so drasticall that the doctors have taken me off most of my meds because I am controlling any issues with life style changes to control what the meds were doing. I just endure any pain I have now. Very seldom even take an aspirin.
When my son told me his wife wanted this meeting to address all the issues I was causing her in life, I BEGGED them both to wait just a little longer to give me time to be more emotionally in control of myself. I have been steadily and greatly getting better to the amazement of my doctors. I am almost, or was almost, in a place better than I have ever been since all the cancer surgeries and rough course of treatment tebn years ago. But they INSISTED on the meeting immediately because her life was being made so miserable by me. It was a disaterous meeting. I sobbed and yelled and lost emotional control, but I did know and mean exactly what I said. I refused to take responsibilty for her issues. Period.
Oh, well. There are many, many other wonderful things going on in my life. I really am very much beeter than I was in October. I am strong and clear thinking again and sending out advertising and writing a business proposal concerning education. I need to work for my health and we need the income. Chuckles. And my daughter-in-law? She is still young at 31 and I believe she has much to learn. I have certainly had a head start on learning important issues in life... 34 more years than her. The hurt is still deep in my husband and myself, the relationship totally guarded, but I have survivied much bigger issues.
Thanks for reading my whiny, lengthy post. Smiles. You are very caring. Are you available as a daughter-in-law???
. I think the amount of visits depends on how social the parents feel like being, how the baby is acting, and of course, remember that new parents want some space from all the visitors because they want to try to share some special time alone...which can be tough with both parents working full time.
