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Infant Care (up to 18 months old) Message Board
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Old 06-09-2007, 08:12 AM   #1
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GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Hello

Can some of you younger moms please help me to understand something that I think I must be out of touch with? How many times weekly would you consider enough or too much to visit and help a nearby son and wife with their 16 month old? Both parents work full time and the baby is in a good daycare M-F.

I would so appreciate some imput here.

thank you

 
Old 06-09-2007, 09:00 AM   #2
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.

 
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Old 06-09-2007, 09:00 AM   #3
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.

 
Old 06-09-2007, 09:00 AM   #4
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

I think that all depends on the parents. Perhaps you can let them know that you're willing to help and would like to visit and be involved but don't want to step on their toes, and then maybe back off for a little while and let them come to you.

 
Old 06-09-2007, 09:39 AM   #5
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Can you share the reason for your question? For instance, are you the grandparent and have you been told that you are visitng too much? Or are you the grandparent and you feel like you are being called upon to help too much? Or is there anyone issue?

 
Old 06-09-2007, 01:24 PM   #6
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

i think i am one of the lucky people and i get along great with my mother and father-in-law, (i actually get on better with them that what i do my mother) my husband is also very close to them, so ive always had them around often and since my dd was 6 months old they have looked after her while i went back to work.
i agree it depends on the parents, some people are very independant and feel like people offering help are actually assuming they cant cope, the best thing i can advise is to explain that you love your family and their recent addition and that you are there for them if they need help and not force it upon them.

i hope this helps
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Old 06-09-2007, 04:36 PM   #7
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

While I'm sure there are specific reasons you are asking, for me, I would think that coming over more than 2-3 times a week would be my limit. Especially if I was working full time. When someone else is at the house, even if they are extended family, it is still "entertaining" and can be difficut to manage. During the week, it's hectic at the end of the day (as I can imagine, since I'm a SAHM), with picking up baby at daycare, making dinner for everyone, getting baths and playtime in, and just unwinding, etc.

Maybe you could offer to make dinner or pick up the baby at day care? That would be a help and would still allow you to visit without being any sort of extra work on the parents.

On the weekends I would plan on a specific time or specific event for visiting, around baby's nap schedule. Again, doing some sort of outing with the baby while the parents catch up on housework, sleep, (sex!), or errands would be a help and allow you and baby time to visit. And it's always good for grandparents/grandkids to get to know each other without the parents involved "guiding" the relationship.

Whatever you do, have an open and honest discussion with the child's parents about your involvement in their lives. Tell them that you don't want to step on toes, or overstep your boundaries, or whatever, but that you want to be involved in their lives and ask what they think those boundaries/limits should be. Come up with a plan together that everyone is happy with. Good communication, without being overly emotional (on all fronts) will help the child most of all, and that's the point, isn't it??

 
Old 06-10-2007, 10:34 AM   #8
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Hello All

Each and everyone of you deserves a great thank you. You aare helping me through a very difficult time here as a grandparent. I guess I have been taken aback to discover what I thought would be a pure joy in my life has encountered some periphal hurts. And yes, absolutely my grandbaby is paramount in many ways. But I am learning as well that my parenting of my children is going to once again always be most paramount if I want the pleasure and joy of indulging myself in my grandbaby. Sigh. I am getting old and sometimes the process of learning everyday becomes more tiring than enjoyable. I will, however, thanks to the wisdom of all your words, keep plodding along.

reachout

 
Old 06-10-2007, 02:04 PM   #9
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Try not to get too discouraged and see if you can work things out with the parents in a way that is acceptable to everyone. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go from being so involved in your own children's lives to having to take a step back when it comes to your grandchildren. If you can work with the parents and try to fit into their picture of how things should be, it will be a lot easier and you will get more grandparent time. If they're asking you to back off a little, I'm sure it's not because they don't want you in their lives at all, it's just that they need more space and time with their own child, especially since they both work and don't have as much available time as you might have had when your kids were young. Don't sulk, whine or go away, that will make it worse, just let them know that you respect their need for some space but reiterate that you're willing, available and very interested in spending time with your grandchild whenever they can take you up on it, and leave it at that. Most likely, they'll think things through and try to give you more time. Try to be thankful that they're being up front and honest with you, as much as their honesty hurts right now. Hang in there!

 
Old 06-10-2007, 03:41 PM   #10
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Hi Reachout,
I would say once a week is more than enough for a visit to your sons house. Especially if both parents are working. I know when I get home at the end of a long day, I still have dinner to make, housework to do, and everything to get ready for the next day. I dont think I could handle having visitors over more than once a week....there is precious little time for parents who both work these days. In saying that, if you really want to help...that is very nice of you. Maybe you could offer to babysit at your house, so that would give the parents some time to themselves, or let them go to a movie once in a while. That way you will spend precious time with your grandchild, and the parents will have some time to recharge their batteries. As long as you volunteer your help instead of insisting on it, you guys will all get along great. Sounds like you will be a wonderful grandmother!!!

Carsam

 
Old 06-10-2007, 09:06 PM   #11
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

I think it would all be in what you feel comfortable - and the vibe you are getting from your son and his family while you are visiting as to whether or not it is too much. I can tell you that I have a 2-month old who has been really tough - she has had colic issues, etc. and I think my mom has come by at least every other day since I got home from the hospital because she knows I appreciate the break. Unfortunately, with my mother-in-law, it is a bit different. During her visits she was constantly telling me all the things I needed to do differently and all the things I was doing wrong which made me feel VERY inadequate so a visit from her more than once a year is too much . I think the amount of visits depends on how social the parents feel like being, how the baby is acting, and of course, remember that new parents want some space from all the visitors because they want to try to share some special time alone...which can be tough with both parents working full time.

Not sure if I helped you at all or not. I would honestly recommend just coming out and asking what THEY thought was ok for visits. Good luck.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 07:34 AM   #12
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckydarlin View Post
she was constantly telling me all the things I needed to do differently and all the things I was doing wrong
My least favorite moments with my mil are 'when my kids were young....' well, things have changed ALOT since her kids were young (more than 40 years ago) and my mother constantly trying to be the parent instead of the grandparent. I'm not saying you are doing any of these things, but in a tired, emotional and overworked state your son and dil are in, things that are well meaning may not be sounding that way to them.

Maybe you can talk to son and dil about taking baby out of daycare 1 day a week for grandma time? It would save them money and you can still spend a day doing fun things with lo and you won't be infringing (not right word, but you get where I'm going) on their family time. Because they are a family now and need some time to be their own unit.

i'm sure everything will work out...keep plugging!

 
Old 06-11-2007, 10:45 AM   #13
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowrose5006 View Post
My least favorite moments with my mil are 'when my kids were young....' well, things have changed ALOT since her kids were young
I feel the same way. I don't think she means it in a way that puts me down most of the time but it still irritates me. Her oldest is 36 and my dh is 30, so yeah it's been awhile since she had babies! We have our ups and downs, but for the most part my mil is a good woman who loves her son and grandchildren and so I really try to get along and let the little stuff go.

As for the OP, I see my mom a couple of times a week, but I go to her house with the kids. My dh usually brings the kids to his mom's a few times a month. They don't usually come to us unless we specifically invite them.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 12:08 PM   #14
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

For me it depends upon the time of the week and time of day. I get frustrated when I arrive home from work, picking up ds from daycare to have my inlaws waiting in the driveway. I'd just like a little time to unwind from my day, talk to DH about his day, but they arrive around 5 and don't leave until 10 and I feel as if I have to entertain, visit.

Weekends, aren't too bad if I don't end up spending my entire weekend with them. I don't mind going for supper one night, but there are things I need to get done around the house -- cleaning, laundry, pay bills.

 
Old 06-14-2007, 01:42 PM   #15
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Re: GRANDPARENT QUESTION... please help

Maybe you could watch the baby instead of the baby going to daycare?

 
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