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Old 07-21-2004, 03:38 AM   #1
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Unhappy Why does God hate me?

I don't get it.

I had an IUI. 3 eggs. 59 million sperm. Why wouldn't they implant?
I don't understand. I guess it could have been a miscarriage because I was
nauseous for 2 weeks then suddenly, out of the blue last night,
the nausea disappeared.

Still, I'm not young. I'm 32. I'm just getting older. I don't want to be
an old lady in my kids' lives (if it ever happens) and I also don't want to die
a lonely old lady someday with no family.

Why is God punishing me? Why does he allow other women to have babies
and abuse them? I don't understand ANYTHING right now.

*crying*
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Old 07-21-2004, 05:09 AM   #2
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Re: Why does God hate me?

I use to feel exactly the same way as you. Not to discourage because there is hope, I had six months of back to back IUI's and then a 2 month break went on BCP for six weeks and then 2 more months of back to back to back IUI's all with Clomid 150mg and I always had nice eggs and gooe sperm count. We were on another 2 month break because we were going to start IVF and I found out I was PG on our own 2 weeks before starting IVF. So miracles definately happen. I use to say every month Why me god why does it always have to be me, Now I have 3 weeks left of this Pregnancy and it has been a rough one so again I am saying god why me, but I am holding up and can't wait for this little one to arrive.

I think the whole time we were doing the IUI's the timing was completely off. We would do them anywhere between days 12 and 16 and I know that when I got PG it was day 22. Did you do a trigger shot? We never did.

Good luck I hope you get your BFP soon
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Old 07-21-2004, 05:28 AM   #3
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Re: Why does God hate me?

Yes, they did an ultrasound to make sure my egg folliciles were about to burst
and then I took the trigger shot.

We'll be going on a 2 month break because my insurance ends on July 31st and
my husband's doesn't kick in until October. (Why does insurance run our lives???)

So, I'll probably be able to go on Clomid this cycle but can't do another IUI until October. Don't want to fork out over $300 to pay for the IUI without insurance.
(And who knows how much the sperm washing costs).

SIGH.....the timing would have been so perfect....it's just not fair.

I have a new house, an empty room, my husband has a good job, I want to be a stay at home mommy. We live in a beautiful neighborhood. My child would only get the best...so WHY can't it happen?? I never knew this would happen to me. I thought I was like everyone else.
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Old 07-21-2004, 05:51 AM   #4
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Re: Why does God hate me?

there are alot more women out there that feel like you do, more than we ever thought. i am one of them. fortunately, i was blessed with 2 girls...but i always wanted a 3rd child. i love kids, and always dreamed of a house full. it absolutely makes me sick to hear of ones that abuse their kids, throwing little innocent babies in dumpsters to die, ones having babies that dont deserve them, and ones having babies that didnt plan on more and act like the blessing they were surprised with are more of a nuisance than joy. i suffer with endometriosis...my husband and i havent used protection in 8 years. i, too, am 32 years old...so i feel its time for me to give it up and move on. it doesnt seem fair, but its just something i have to deal with. what makes my situation worse is that my husband didnt want anymore kids, he was trying as a favor to me, so, he wont go seek fertility help of any kind. i did try clomid a few years ago for about 3 months--got frustrated cause nothing was happening. i have recently started buying the ovulation kits, timing things perfectly---nothing!! you know, i decided a few years ago that if my daughters came home one day and told me that they are pregnant earlier than i feel they should, i will bless them--and not condemn them--as i realize just how precious being able to become pregnant is...and that anything can ruin that at anytime. i was 18 and 21 when i had my kids---who knew that at age 24--my baby days would be over with---i just thank God that i did have mine at an early age---otherwise, i wouldnt have had a chance to be a mother. i am praying for you, please keep the faith...God doesnt hate you...although i know exactly how you feel.

 
Old 07-21-2004, 05:56 AM   #5
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Re: Why does God hate me?

OK, let me take a breath, I have several things to say.

God does not hate you honey, he loves you more than you would ever know, please have faith in him and understand that things are not always done the way you think they should be. I truley hope that you would get pregnant but have you ever thought about adoption? You mentioned that there are so many women who have babies and abuse them, have you thought about saving one of them? You can adopt a baby just after it's been born, before anyone has a chance to abuse it, you can give it a beautiful life and save it from a lifetime of Hell. I know it does cost a pretty penny but some insurance companies help pay for it. My DH is in the military and there is actually a program that helps pay for adoptions. MY father was adopted by my grandparents when they were in their 40's after never being able to conceive. My father was 6 when he was adopted, came from a very troubled home, but because of the parenting of my grandparents he turned out to be the best dad ever. He realized that what my grandparents did was give him a REAL family, even if there was no blood involved. Thank God that my Grandma couldn't get pregnant, because who knows what would have happened to my dad.

I know you want to have your own baby, made from you and your DH. I truly hope that God blesses you with one. But please don't ever think God hates you, trust in him, pray. He may just answer your prayer, but maybe not the way that you think he should. He will never forsake you or leave you, it is us who turn our backs on him.

Last edited by SpeisFamily; 07-21-2004 at 05:59 AM.

 
Old 07-21-2004, 06:22 AM   #6
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Re: Why does God hate me?

I can't adopt. I have a history of depression so the government wouldn't allow me to adopt. Also, I don't have $10,000+ cash to pay for a child.
(I think it's VERY sick that adoption costs that much, but that is a whole other issue....)
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Old 07-22-2004, 08:09 AM   #7
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Re: Why does God hate me?

I have to agree with you about the cost of adoption. The government spends over $10,000 keeping these children in foster homes and orphanages instead of finding them caring parents. I mean, the fact that you are willing to invest in their future and life and give them a loving home should be payment enough. And of course you have a history of depression, you can't conceive. How many parents who adopt for that reason can say that they have never been depressed?

Last edited by SpeisFamily; 07-22-2004 at 08:10 AM.

 
Old 07-22-2004, 02:08 PM   #8
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Re: Why does God hate me?

When treated, my depression is fine. Also, I don't harm people. In fact, I've worked in child care and was told that I'm excellent with children. BUT, I know the government would discriminate. It's sad because I have a good home to give baby. Oh, I knew someone who couldn't adopt because she was diabetic. She had it under perfect control, too. It's crazy...

Oh well, just have to keep TTC...
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Old 07-22-2004, 09:20 PM   #9
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Thumbs up Re: Why does God hate me?

Hi
Gee God is being blamed again for something going wrong in a persons life. I am sure he must feel sad too when he keeps getting blamed for everything bad that happens to humans. Deep in your soul do you really think it is Gods fault that at the moment you and others can not fall pregnant. No it is an upset within you. Can I recommend that you go see a Herbalist, she will set you right and that little soul that is wandering around you will be taken by you.
We never know why things happen, but in the end it all works out right. Stay well
Angelsalive

 
Old 07-24-2004, 02:09 AM   #10
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Re: Why does God hate me?

I am in a similar situation to you now but 10 years ago i was so desperate to have a child i prayed night and day. I bargined with God and i even went to church as often as i could . Well, i did become pregnant and i had a healthy beautifull baby girl. Sadly she died of cot death at 5 months. My whole world fell apart and i couldnt have hated God more.I became pregnant again the next year and had a miscarriage, another girl.By now my relationship with God was not a good one!!.Once again, a year to the day i miscarried i became pregnant and i gave birth to a healthy baby boy at the age of 26.When my son was 4 he was diagnosed with Autism. I put my heart and soul in to helping him and at my lowest point i went to light a candle in church and prayed for some help. It was when i was leaving the church an old lady past by me on her way out she turned to me and said " my dear, God does everything for a reason and he only picks the special ones to do his work" and she walked off. Well i shrugged at that and thought well he could have picked someone else!.My sons condition caused a great strain on my marriage and we eventually divorced. Ten years later i met a lovely man we married and tried starting a family. Low and behold nothing was happening. After tests came back his sperm count was low and i will have to have fertility drugs and IUI at a cost of £750 a cycle. Now at the age of 36 i find my self coming full circle again but this time i know that everything happens for a reason.

 
Old 07-24-2004, 05:40 AM   #11
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Re: Why does God hate me?

That's a touching story. You know, they can give your husband medication (hormones) for his sperm count. I know I shouldn't blame God, and I probably shouldn't get into a religious discussion on this board, but I just don't understand him sometimes. If he doesn't let me have children, he better make darn sure there is someone to take care of me when I'm 80. Sigh.

Paula
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:00 PM   #12
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Re: Why does God hate me?

Dear Paula
I know you don't mean that, because none of us have our children to look after us in old age. We have them to bring love and joy into this world and our lives and we hope that they make a diference. They are from birth their own masters and we as parents are there to guide them, We never do own them. If they stay close to our hearts they will naturally tend to own needs in old age, but are never resposnible for us. We need to plan and make our own arrangements. May be a change of thoughts will help any little soul select you. Good Luck
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Old 07-26-2004, 07:36 AM   #13
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Re: Why does God hate me?

As in Jasmine J's post, you need to stop blaming God and start trusting him. I have been trying to get pregnant now for 11 months and in a few short weeks it will be 1 year, but I trust God.

You see, in my story before I spoke of my daughter who had spinal meningitis. It took me a year and a half to get pregnant with her, then after God answered my prayer, in his time not mine, my baby became deathly ill. Did I blame God? NO, I gave even more trust to him and gave my baby into his hands, as also Jasmine J did with her daughter. The difference is God answered our prayers differently.

There is a reason God took that special baby, maybe he couldn't bare to see this child live with a day in pain, pain so severe that he could not put the baby through it. Or maybe he did this to test her faith, strengthen her, and prepare her for her wonderful son. To have a REAL knowledge that this child is a "gift" not a problem, as I have realized with my own daughter who has severe ADHD and I handle it with no medication, only focusing and consentration excercises. She is not a medical problem, or stupid, she is a gift that God gave to me because he knew I could handle it. Although I wonder sometimes myself

I had a miscarraige at 10 weeks with my second pregnancy, I went to the ER and the Dr's did an ultrasound, I saw the baby, saw the heart beating, and I was overjoyed, until I saw the look on the nurses face. I was told to go home and rest. I was told by the DR's to bring the baby back for "testing" if I miscarried. Well, I did and as I held my baby in my hands I stared at it, it had 2 dark circles where the eyes were supposed to be, 5 little stubs for fingers on each hand and 5 little stubs for toes on each foot already. It was small, about 3/4 the size of my palm. The only thing I could think about was, is it's heart still beating? I am sorry I got so graphic, but I know now that sharing my story not only helped me deal with the loss but almay also help others who have experienced the same thing.

Again, I did not blame God, I got on my knees and prayed. I was so hurt, all I could do was cry. I didn't understand why he would give me a baby only to take it awat, but I knew that all things he does are for a reason and therefore I trusted in him. Within 6 months I was pregnant with my second daughter, perfect pregnancy, perfect child. And again I am back to where I began, trying to get pregnant, but I know it will happen, not in my time but in his.

Last edited by SpeisFamily; 07-26-2004 at 07:43 AM.

 
Old 07-30-2004, 02:06 AM   #14
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Re: Why does God hate me?

Paula, I have to say something...like others, I am touched by your post. I am very faithful to my religion and I want you to know God knows your heart. Instead of always asking God for that precious baby please Praise Him for the things you do have. You are fortunate enough to care for a child and you have a loving husband. You have a roof over your head and food to eat...be thankful for those things. When you Praise God for the good He's given you He WILL continue to give you more if your heart truely desires it. If you lose your faith in Him it's as if you never Prayed to begin with. I was told I would never carry a baby to full term...well I have my little Miracle. I've lost 4 others and I want more, but I just thank God for the Blessing he did give me. God doesn't bring any evil or hate onto man/woman! Please remain strong with your love towards Him. I will Pray for you and your husband and I hope you all take care!

 
Old 07-30-2004, 05:03 AM   #15
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Re: Why does God hate me?

Normorcrazy, actually, I have no children. (You said I was fortunate enough to care for a child). I've never been pregnant. Thank you for the sentiments, though.
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