My 19 year old son died. I'm 50 and wish we could have a baby
Long story--sorry. I am almost 50. My husband and I married at 23. We tried to have a baby for years when we were first married. We had wanted a large family--at least 5 children. We never used any kind of birth control. At age 25 or so my periods which had been irregular just stopped altogether and I wasn't pregnant. So many people had said to me just relax, trust God, etc and I really had prayed and prayed that God would give us children, but when my periods just stopped I knew that I had to go to the doctor about it. My regular ob/gyn just did an endometrial scraping at a time when he thought ovulation should be taking place according to a temperature chart I had taken that month. He said I wasn't ovulating (duh--I doubt if I ever ovulated) and suggested clomid and did not insist on a doing a sperm count on my husband. (I thought- Why should I be treated if my husband wasn't checked?) I didn't feel like that was the right thing to do, so I made an appointment with an ob/gyn who was also listed as an infertility specialist. My husband's sperm count was checked and it was adequate. At the first visit the new doctor did some blood work on me and found that I had hyperprolactemia possibly preventing ovulation. He did an scan of my brain to make sure that I didn't have a tumor causing the problem, which I didn't. Then he gave me a prescription for Parlodel to lower the elevated prolactin, but I wanted to lose weight before I started taking it. After some months my period started again on its own, but I just kept on with light bleeding every day for 2 months. The doctor said this was caused by the same problem-no ovulation. So I started on the Parlodel and began taking basal body temps every morning. This went on for almost a year and I finally went back to the infertility specialist who was ready to test to see if my tubes were okay after my next period, but I was already pregnant with our first son. He was born 12/16/85--the best Christmas present I have ever received. After that I was able to conceive again 4 other times, always when taking Parodel and doing my basal body temps. As long as I was nursing, I couldn't take Parlodel (because it stops milk), so the children are spaced depending on how long they nursed. It took a lot less time to get pregnant after our first little boy was born. Jason was born a month before I turned 30, Justin was born 22 and 1/2 months later, Josh was born 3 years later, and Jenny was born 4 and 1/2 years later. Jason was 10 when Jenny was born. I had one miscarriage between Josh and Jenny that I am convinced was caused by a termite treatment very early in the pregnancy. I was 39 when Jenny was born. When she was a year old we moved 300 miles away from my husband's hometown, away from all the grandparents and all our friends and relatives. Jenny nursed for 3 years, so I was 42 when I could even begin trying to become pregnant again. (My periods became very regular after we moved--don't know why--but the move did make me extremely sad) I would love to have had another baby at that time, but at that age and away from family, we didn't try again. There are some risks involved with taking Parlodel--the most serious is the possibility of having a stroke. The first few days when I would begin to take it, I had to start with 1/2 a tablet and it made me dizzy and light-headed for a few days.
On January 24, 2006, I will be fifty. Our oldest son, for whom we prayed for so long, so dear and precious to us (as are each one of our children) was diagnosed with cancer 2 months after his 18th birthday. We had to watch him endure chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery for 18 months and then we had to watch him die here at home on his dad's 50th birthday on August 25, 2005. (His story is posted on a long thread on Death & Dying) It broke our hearts to lose our son and every single day now I cry as I remember him and miss him.
So I know I am being totally ridiculous--I wish we could have another baby now. I know another baby would not replace the son that we have lost, but a baby in our home would be wonderful. I love children. Having been infertile my entire life, there is surely no chance that I could get pregnant without some help. My husband would never consider it. You know, retirement isn't that far away. But just today, I saw a lady whose daughter was on my little girl's soccer team a few years ago. Her daughter is 11 and guess what--the lady is pregnant--I said to her, "You are kidding!!" But really I am thrilled for her and I told her how happy I am for her. Another lady at church who used to be Joshua's Sunday school teacher has just had a baby. They had been trying for years to get pregnant and had quit trying and then she turns up pregnant. Her oldest child is Joshua's age--15 years old. Another lady helps with Jenny's choir and is past 45 years old and has a one year old little girl. She said they weren't even trying and this baby is their 8th child. They have children ranging from ages 22 down to the one year old. Her doctor told her that her chances for winning the lottery were greater than her chances for getting pregnant at her age.
One website has this quote:
Experts agree that most women over 45 are not fertile, even if their periods are still regular. They could need egg donation or other invasive and expensive fertility treatments. If you hope to get pregnant past age 45, youíll need to have a well-stocked bank account, as most of these treatments are not covered by health insurance.
Another quote from the same place says:
...many of us are wondering: just what is too old to be pregnant? Linda J. Heffner, MD, PhD, in the Nov. 4 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine, argues that 45 is the cut-off, and only for women who are already healthy. Any later, she warns, and youíll need to be healthy, lucky, and rolling in cash.
Well, I have high blood pressure and I'm overweight. They've told me that if I lose weight my blood pressure might come down--but this is a problem. My blood pressure isn't extremely high and is controlled by blood pressure medicine, but one of the tablets for blood pressure that I take can't be taken during pregnancy. --This could be a huge motivation for me to lose weight though.
Go ahead and tell me I am ridiculous. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Everyone would say the same thing and think that I am crazy for even entertaining such thoughts. When I mentioned my longing to have another baby to my ob/gyn last month she just dismissed it and said that a pregnancy now isn't likely--of course not, not with my history. Even my mom who is 70 says that I'm too old now. But I so wish that I could have another little baby... I guess that I am just being selfish and foolish in wanting another child at this point in my life...
It doesn't help knowing that when my 15 year old brother died in a car wreck when I was 16 that my mom and dad had another baby 2 years later. Mom was 38 at the time. She never had trouble with infertility. I am so much older. Ten years makes such a difference. If only I were a few years younger...
Last edited by Prayingmom; 12-13-2005 at 09:13 PM.
Another lady who lost her seven year old son over a year ago to the same cancer that took my son has announced her pregnancy. He was their only child. She had to do in vitro. She is due in April and it's a boy. I'm not sure of her age, but she must be younger than me. I really am happy for her--
--just wish that I could have a baby.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. This must truly be a heart-breaking time for you. You showed such strength, trust and determination in your stuggle to have your children -- it's inspirational. I hope that same strength will see you through your recent tragedy. Grandchildren surely can't be too far away, and they will also help to heal your family.
I am 8 years younger then you and am trying for years to have another child as well .I am told by my gyn. that my eggs are to old to give me a baby . People also tell me that I am to old , but for the Lord Jesus NO ONE is ever old enough . I think that if you really want to have another baby at your age then you should find a doctor who will listen to you [ as I have ] and go on with it . With all the new Tec. out there today I am sure there is a way for you . As with me I am seeing an IVF doctor who is working with me on trying to help me have that baby I so want . I also have had Infertilitys problems all of my life . It took my 10 year to have my son and now it's taking 7 more years to try and have another baby. Don't give up just cause the world tells you to . Bless you !
Prayingmom ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I went to the Death & Dying Forum and read many of your posts. Your poor son went through so much.
I can so understand why you feel you need to have a baby now. And you could... you really could. What about adoption? Have you talked with your husband about this yet? Adoption is so wonderful. Giving a child a warm and loving home... when they might otherwise not have had it. I think it's such a good thing.
It's only been five months since your son passed way. How are you holding up? How are your other children doing?
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ~ sly
I haven't checked back by here for a while and I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I had my birthday. As of 1/24 I am 50 years old.
I still would love to have a baby, but I really don't think that my dear husband is willing. I'm almost afraid to mention it again, not because he would be angry, but I just don't want to hear him say, "No way. We are too old." He is looking forward to retirement in 14 years or so (he turned 50 in August) and I guess he wouldn't want to have a teenager in the house when we are in our sixties.
Adoption would be totally wonderful, but I think that he would feel the same way about adoption at our ages. He has gone on several mission trips to the Phillipines, Mexico and Venezuela. When he used to ask me what I want him to bring me back, my first response was always, "A baby." Of course, I know that is impossible. To adopt we would have to go through adoption agencies and the whole process--which really in the end protects the children. At the co-op where my little girl takes classes once a week, there is a family waiting on pins and needles for the call that will tell them that their little boy who is coming from Korea is on his way. They have adopted 2 other children, beautiful little girls from South America and they got them relatively quickly. She said with new government incentive? that they've gotten $10,000 off on their taxes with each adoption, so their cost of adopting each child was only about $5000. That is considerably less than what I thought it would cost--someone said that adopting a baby costs as much as buying a new car, so I thought it would cost at least $20,000.
This Sunday was Sanctity of Human Life Day at our church. All the families who have been touched by adoption in any way were on the stage. It was a lot of people. Many of our friends have adopted. Something I read at church said that for every 19 children in the US who are placed for adoption, there are a 1000 who are aborted. There was a baby dedication ceremony this past Sunday, too--the forth child born to the family, a precious little girl, about 6 months old and the pastor announced the couple's good news--they are already expecting again--they didn't know that he would be telling that to the hundreds in the congregation.
It is such a wonderful priviledge and blessing to be involved in a child's life. I know that I am being a bit selfish to desire a child after being so blessed with my four dear children. But after losing Jason, I would just love to have another child.