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Old 09-27-2006, 01:20 PM   #1
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Aintgotaclue HB User
really down and need support !

Feeling really down ( yet again ) and feel like giving up.

I've been lingering here for a while and read many of your journeys, so I hope I don't sound selfish. My journey is nothing compared to what most of you have gone through, but I really feel like giving up with the whole TTC.

I stopped BC a year ago and am halfway through my 13th cycle but had a really hard time coming of the BC. I've had so many side effects and been ill for the whole year and now it looks highly likely that I have endo. My doc has refered me on for testing / treatment and infertility issues but I really don't think I'm strong enough to go through it all and feel like giving up before I even start.

My main problem is, that no one believes how bad I feel and every month seems to throw up something new. My cycles are regular and even my periods are not to bad, but I have pain and discomfort most of the month and when I O, I'm totally crippled. ( god help the next person that tells me middle pain is normal ) My doc has been no help what so ever and the mood swings are beyond a joke. I'm so down ( really suicidally down ) most of the time.

It's not so much the not being PG side of things, I'm prepared to be patient It's more the ...... why can I not naturally fall like everyone else ? ..... Have I done something wrong ? ..... do I not deserve to be a mother ? that is really getting me down, I feel totally cheated. Is this a natural feeling ?

I suppose I'm just needing to vent but really feel I could do with some support. Is there somewhere online anyone can suggest. I'm not coping very well and I guess I'm in denial and not accepting it.

I really want a family but mostly, I want to feel well again.

 
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Old 09-27-2006, 03:12 PM   #2
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berks936 HB User
Re: really down and need support !

hello,
I'm sorry to hear yuo are having such an emotional journey. Although I could never say I know how you feel about the endo and pain you suffer, but we all know about the emotional pain and confusion that we face when dealing with infertility. Try to be strong, the emotions you are going through tend to calm down considerably when you start to receive the support you need. You would be suprised just how strong you actually are!!
Please know that this is not a punishment, infertility does not care whether you deserve children or not. We are all good people (I beleive)and yet we have problems getting PG for all sorts of reasons.
Feeling cheated is natural i think. I sure felt that way, even to the point of resenting my freinds for not having any troubles getting pregnant. My advice is that you have to allow yourself to go through the gauntlet of emotions that this procees involves while surrounding yourself with people who love you
This message board really really hepls too. Now I have people to talk to who understand the emotional rollercoaster I am on. My family loves me and they want to help but they just cant understand what this is like. I felt very alone untill I found this board. I hope it helps you as much.
Please dont give up completely until you have searched out the optuions available to those of us with fertility issues such as adoption, IVF, infertility treatment, egg/sperm donation, embryo adoption, ect...You may find the answer that is right for you. And when you are feeling down, visit the board. It does help. I hope this helps and remember that we are all here for each other.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 03:49 PM   #3
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Heyknack HB User
Re: really down and need support !

Aintgotaclue--
I have felt mentally, very much like you do. I do not experience the physical pain you do, but I also have been TTC about 13 months and all the questions you wondered, I have thought about and wondered about many times too. I think all those questions are natural. There have been many times I wonder "why"...and I don't have the answer, likely never will. I know it sounds cliche, but if you believe in God or a higher power of some sort, the only way I can make sense of it, is that he's got a plan, and maybe this will make us better people. Some days it doesn't feel like this is something I can handle, so I understand. I have recently started trying things to be more positive and destress. It sounds stupid, but positivity helps mentally at least, I'm hoping physically eventually as well. There are many paths out there to parenthood, and I've decided I'm going to get there somehow.

I think once you see the specialist and start on whatever treatments he/she decides is best for you, you will feel better mentally and physically (if you have a lap for endo, which I've heard can make the pain much better or make it go away). See what your options are and go from there. Anyway, you are not alone and we support you. Good luck with your journey.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:15 PM   #4
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ASPROUSEY05 HB User
Re: really down and need support !

im so sorry u r feeling so down, but please dont give up, i believe u will regret it... u are not being selfish, but u said there are women who have been through more and they should give u hope that ur turn will come... having to be emotional and feel crappy SUCKS!! and some people are just ignorant and dont understand how difficult this is...!! or how some people have much worse periods and cramps then others and on top of it cant fall pregnant...i hate the fact that most women i know can go int heir bed and just have sex and 14 days later or so find out they are pregnant, and they can do this yr after yr, it truly seems unfair, but i cant think like that or i will never get through this! u have to try and stay positive, like u said y cant u fall pregnant like everyone else!! i know it seems like everyone is pregnant, but look how many women are on these boards.. we are all having trouble, adn there are many more boards out there like this and women who never use em, that are all having difficulty, my only point is dont feel alone.. i know its difficult, until i came here i felt noone could relate, then i found a family friend who can relate and all the wonderful ladies here, they give me hope and inspiration, whether theyve been tryin for 1 or 10 yrs in one way or another we all can relate to eachother

 
Old 09-28-2006, 05:14 AM   #5
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TryN2BMommy HB User
Re: really down and need support !

I too am very sorry you are going through this. I can't relate to the physical pain, but I know just what you're saying as far as emotions go. Many many times I have wondered why this is happening to us. Why won't God let us have a baby to love and cherish when he lets so many people mistreat them?? It doesn't seem fair. I guess what gets me through it is hope. Hope that someday we WILL be the parents we are trying so desperately to be. The support from the people on these boards is priceless as well. I tried to talk to my 2 closest friends about my RE appt yesterday (and my 2nd HSG test), and it was like talking to a wall. They have no clue. They want to be supportive, but they haven't experienced any of this (both of them are mom's w/o trying), and they just don't know how to be supportive. I thank God for these boards, I would be lost without having somebody to talk to. My partner doesn't like to talk about it. He just wants results.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble (about myself) and those weren't my intentions. I just want you to know we are here for you. When you need some support, log on and let it out. We will be here with advice, info, or just to lend an ear. Whatever you need.

((HUGS))

Holly~

 
Old 09-28-2006, 03:08 PM   #6
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Aintgotaclue HB User
Re: really down and need support !

OMG, I can't believe the wonderful replies everyone has posted. I can't thank you all enough. Ok, so I'm in tears yet again but honestly they were a huge help. It is such a relief just to hear that I'm not alone for feeling the way I do. Only DH and a good friend know about the referal, but they can't truely understand how I'm feeling. I just feel so lonely and unhappy just now and the constant pain makes it difficult to switch off. I've spent many years preventing PG and never dreamed it would be so difficult. I've looked forward to this day for so long and stupidly expected it to be such a happy time.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me and I guess I just needed to get my feelings off my chest. My doc is a nightmare ... I was meant to be refered 3 months ago but he did n't do it. I should have been getting help by now but the referal has just been sent. DH has a daughter to a previous relationship, and it was her 15th birthday yesterday and I spent the day in agony at the docs demanding help and a referal. Really not what I needed right now !

Today has been a tiny bit better and after reading everyones experiences last night .... I can see there is help and hope. I don't want to give up my dream but heaven knows where I'll find the strength, but for now....... I'm going to keep hanging on.

Wishing you all well. TC.

 
Old 09-28-2006, 03:23 PM   #7
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Re: really down and need support !

I, too, know how you feel. It's very painful, and natural to automatically blame yourself and want to give up. Our bodies are so "hormonal" anyways, without misscarriage, pain, etc. I hope, like me, you will find this board as a support group. Everyone here has been through something very difficult, and all stories are different, yet we still know your pain. My prayers go out to you. I have endo, cysts, have had surgery for a septate, etc. I have had two misscarriages, and I understand the pain from that. And people will say stupid things to you, but I think a lot of them don't really know what to say at all, so they shouldn't say anything, you know? I hope your doctor will help you. Best of luck to you, and whatever you do, never give up!!!! We are all here to help you and be your support.

 
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