I know how you feel, I've been there. And my dh too said those words: "Stop being negative or it won't work." We tried nearly a year on our own before starting IVF. The first cycle was perhaps the hardest; not knowing if it was going to work, knowing how much was invested, how much time, energy, etc. Thankfully, my husband's insurance picked up most of the tab for each cycle, so that was not a burden I had to bear, but the negativity about everything else, I can relate to.
With great anticipation, we got our first bfn. That shook me, b/c I really felt as though it would work. I started questioning the same things as you, wondering if it would
ever work for me, watching those around me get pg in my family and friends was difficult. But, I didn't want to give up. My dh
never doubted that it would work, he knew eventually it would. That kept me hopeful but I wasn't sure.
We did a frozen cycle next and I was numb through most of it, kind of going through the motions and only getting mildly excited at the end. That was the same time (this past summer) that my mother got sick and was in the hospital. And then I got my first positive, but a very low positive. I remember praying in the hospital chapel for my unborn baby and my mother, both hanging on for dear life and sadly, my mother got worse and my positive turned into a negative=a chemical pregnancy. I started losing all hope.
It was too painful to keep telling everyone about our difficulties so we decided to move right on to another cycle, but not let anyone know except my mom who got weaker by the day, but never lost hope for me. She told me that Ella Rose would come, the name we had picked out if we were lucky enough to be pregnant and have a girl. Then, soon after, my mother passed right in the middle of my stimming. I was devastated and felt as though nothing was ever going to be fair and that the things we wanted most in life were the things we couldn't control. It broke my heart but I kept on with the cycle.
I cry now thinking about it, about how terrified I was if it was going to be negative, how hanging on to the fact that I could be pregnant saved me from spiraling down into a very deep depression. And the day of my beta, I felt my mother around me, as if she was trying to tell me that everything would be alright and I felt at peace. Later that day, I got the positive, but it was low. Somehow, I was nervous, but felt as though everything would be okay. My mother was watching over me and my baby. My beta more than doubled over the next several days and everything so far has been very smooth. I am now nearly 16 weeks and soon going to find out if we indeed are blessed with our little Ella Rose, as my mom told me she knew I would have a girl.
These words have just poured right out of me. I hope you don't mind, I just felt the need to share my story with you. I have been there, felt the lowest of lows, felt as though each cycle was an eternity. My infertility journey will forever stay with me, even though I am now pregnant. And, until we want more children, my journey really is perhaps just on hiatus.
Life is so precious, that's what this whole thing has taught me; to really appreciate all the little things that so many others may take for granted. And life is beyond our control. We can try to manipulate it with hospitals, doctors, drugs, IUIs and IVFs, but there is still a higher power involved. Don't lose hope. It will happen, it just may not happen at the time you want it to or in the way you want it to. I was told on this site, that I was so positive and brought other people hope, even when I really felt as though I didn't have any hope left. I guess even when I was so low, I tried to look at the positive things. So, I'm hoping you do the same. There are positive experiences in
everything, it's just how you want to look at it. I wish you positive thoughts and peaceful dreams that will hopefully one day soon, come true for you.
if I ever do..........
