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Old 02-21-2007, 02:45 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: newport beach, CA, USA
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worried30 HB User
Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hello, first of all let me Thank You for providing this opportunity to tell my situation. I hope that it is ok to post my story here. I am desperate. I have no med. insurance yet. My husband and I just moved from Hawaii to California, but planing on moving to East Tennessee by the end of the year. Until then I may not have insurance.

I have been reading many of the posts in here and have been very touched.
I wanted to share my story in the hopes of feeling relief, and possibly getting some input, comments, or helpful advice.
Please read my story. I am a 30 year old female, married 6 months. My husband and I are only going to start ttc but I am so worried that I may be infertile if not Sterile. I have not ever been to a fertility doctor or had fertility testing, so this is a self diagnosis based on my history. Can you tell me what you think, and what you think I could do for now, to stop going crazy with this thought.
My history is that at 17 I became pregnant. I was too scared to tell my parents, and I also had other fears going on so I regretabley had an abortion. Let me tell you my other fears. I made many horrible choices after I lost my virginity at 16. I then got a boyfriend and we began to have intercourse. After about my 10th time of EVER having sex in my life, we became pregnant. So I know I was fertile. Well before I found out i was pregnant, I had cheated on my boyfriend twice with someone of a risky type. I feel horrible admitting all of this. Well a week after cheating, I began to have symptoms of STD's, pain and burning during sex and urination. I was tested not quite sure for what STD's but anyways they were negative.
So also during this time, right before finding out I was pregnant and right after cheating I became extremely sick, turns out I had MONO, E.B.V, and the type of Hep. that goes away, I believe it is Hep. C, and anemia, one illness caused the other and so on and so forth. I thought I was dying, I thought I must for sure have HIV, but I selfishly was too scared to find out the truth of that and have to admit to boyfriend and parents about what I had been doing sexually. My boyfriend was a virgin before me and I KNOW was very faithful, he was so in love with me, he wanted our baby desperately and wanted to marry me, which made my decision to abort all the more horrible to deal with.
Looking back I don't know how I made it through that time. Immediately after the abortion I mean within an hour, I began to have extreme pain almost fainting from it, pain like I had never known, also bleeding a lot, and the scariest symptoms was that I could feel my insides (belly ) exploding, literally loud popping, I could feel and almost hear in my belly. I was to scared, traumatized and never wanted to go back to clinic, so unfortunately I never got that checked out.
So after abortion for the next year my boyfriend and I embarked on our selfish, and stupid plan to try to have a baby. I wanted to fill the void and the intense pain, sadness and guilt that made me cry myself to sleep every night. I never thought I believed in abortion, until it happened to me. I couldn't believe that I could kill my own child. Well we tried for a whole year and NEVER got pregnant. So I was sure I must have gotten PID or some horrible infection after abortion, that sterilized me.
My boyfriend and I broke up and I immediately began a monogamous 8 year long relationship from age 18-26. We always had unprotected sex, and though we never tried getting pregnant and ALWAYS used the pull-out method I knew that I should have gotten pregnant accidentally even with the pull out method. Never did get pregnant.
After that relationship ended for the next year and a half I began to have at least 4 or more one night stands always unprotected, always using pull- out method. Never got pregnant. I also had a relationships lasting at least 6 months, this one actually did ejaculate in me every time, Never got pregnant. I know he is fertile now, because I recently found out he became a father.
I was very self-destructive, did not see a future for myself, and with each horrible choice of unprotected sex, I sunk deeper into a pit of not caring for myself. All the while seemingly happy and normal to my parents.
Finally at 27 I became a born again Christian, Jesus saved me. I met my now husband at church. He gave me the strength and love to go get tested Finally for HIV and chlamydia and gohnorrea, cause these are what I was most worried about. We both got tested, at the appropriate time for these diseases to show up, after at least 6 mos. since my last partner. we both tested NEGATIVE for all these.

We are now married and though are not trying just yet we want to soon. However I am scared to death that the guilts and pains of my past will haunt me forever, not being able to conceive my own child!. My husband know all my fears, and he thinks I should not worry about it and let the Lord take control. I believe and understand this, however I do know that without knowing the truth of my situation I will not be able to rest, to enjoy my life truly.

I come to you in the hopes that your educated opinions will finally help put to rest some of my worries. I recently went to Planned Parenthood clinic, for Pap and sTD retesting, just because I still wonder if they might have been wrong. Husband also thinks this is crazy , he says it is like i want something to be wrong , like I want to have something.

I just don't trust the testing that they do, it seems to simple, to easy to miss a disease, just through swab or urine testing, and your website has confirmed that my fears are correct in deed.
I also wanted to ask a health professional, aobut all my fears and tell my history, but unfortunately I was treated with a very rushed attitude, and the nurse practiitioner seemed almost annoyed by my questions and I feel she did not answer my questions.
1) I asked if I could have had STD during the 10 years between testing at 17 and 27, and have the STD clear up on it's own, and no longer show up on tests???? she just said No.
2) I asked if I could have had PID??? syptomless. She said " NO way, I would have to know because the pain is so intense I would have to be hospitalized eventually.
3) Can't PID be syptomless??? Also can it clear up on own, after causing permanent damage to repro. organs?? Or does it stay in your system until it is treated??
4) Have you ever heard of syptoms like those of what I felt after my abortion?? Exploding, popping in belly??
5) If I am in fact Infertile, what do you think is my chances of having children?? I know is basically not something you can truly answer without checking me out.


God Bless and thanks for letting me share my story,
Jessika

 
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Old 02-21-2007, 02:57 PM   #2
ALM ALM is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Athens, Alabama, USA
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ALM HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hi Jessika. Welcome to the board. You will find lots of support here. We are all very supportive to each other and I have been very thankful that I stumbled upon this board a couple of months ago.

I want to say first that I am so happy for you that the Lord saved you. I also am so sorry that you went through everything that you did. I had some rough late teenage, to early twenties years so I can sort of relate.

I think that you need to just go to an obgyn and get an evaluation, if you haven't already done so. Do you regularly see a gyn?? If you do, and you know that you are healthy, taking prenatals and all, I would just start TTC on your own for a while. See what happens. You never know. You don't know that you have had some disease that has made you sterile. In fact, you have been told that didn't happen.

I agree with your DH, let God take care of it. Also, let go of your guilt. There is nothing that you can do about what has happened, except forgive yourself. God already has, so you need to do the same.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and I hope that you and DH get a BFP w/out having to seek help.

Anna Leigh

 
Old 02-21-2007, 03:08 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 670
carisa HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hello, and welcome to our forum!
I think if you were to have PID from years ago you would have had some serious pain by now. I don't know anything about the pain you experienced with the abortion, but you need to talk to a doctor about that concern. I know you don't have insurance right now, but as soon as you get some I would make an appointment at a gyn that is an infertility specialist as well. As far as you ruining your body forever, I don't think that's true. With help from a fertility specialist there are SO many things they can do now.

Don't worry yourself though before you know for sure that you have serious problems. You may be ok and are just worrying for nothing!

I'm happy for you that you now are a Christian! That is great and now you can lean on God.

Good luck,
Carisa

 
Old 02-21-2007, 04:18 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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lahc1 HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hi Jessika,

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for what you had to endure in your past. It sounds like you have found an amazing man and found the light in your life now though which is wonderful. I don't know much about what you went through but I can tell you you will always find support here as you go through this journey. We have all been through many different things but we all understand the IF journey and how hard that can be. Until you are able to see a gyn or RE you may not be able to find all your answers but until then you can always try on your own. Who knows, it looks like your life is moving in a great direction and maybe you'll get lucky and get pregnant before you even have to see a doctor. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Loir

 
Old 02-21-2007, 04:31 PM   #5
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,834
deluka96 HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hi Jessika,

Welcome to the board. Sorry for all you have been through it seems like you have beat yourself up a lot for the choices you made but at some point you have to forgive yourself and look toward the future. Just to give you some comfort my old RE told me that "the pull out method" is actually quiet effective in not getting pregnant, but the don't like people that too much. DH and I did pull out method for 3 years before getting married and never got pregnant either but when I did BBT got pregnant that 1st month. I did miscarry so like you I had a D&C and even though it was not a choice I am sure the feelings are the similiar. I felt guilt myself even though there was nothing I could do as there was no heartbeat or detal pole. We are not here to judge you or the lifestyle you lead in the past so do feel welcome here. I really think you have nothing to worry about. I would go see an OBGYN when you have insurance (no planned parenthood) and have a pap done and b/w to double check and make sure no STD's. Also you can start BBT to make sure you ovulate every month and have an idea when you do so you can TTC at that time. You must use a BBT thermometer and follow all the instructions to a "T" so that you have an accurate reading. Online will give you more info. Wishing you lot's of luck!!!

kathy

 
Old 02-21-2007, 07:46 PM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,709
rubynz HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hi Jessika
I read your post but had to pop out so am only responding now. Firstly a warm welcome to you! I have been thinking about you all aftenoon and I just want to say PLEASE don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet! Easier said than done I know, but if you really are worried perhaps you should visit an obgyn to put your fears at rest. Or you and DH could TTC for a good six months and if no luck then visit a specialist. In the meantime enjoy being newlyweds and when the time is right I am sure it will happen. I never like giving people advice but I really do get a good vibe for you so hang in there!
Keep us posted.

Ruby

 
Old 02-22-2007, 06:02 AM   #7
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,348
ASPROUSEY05 HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

everyone else has given you some great advice, but i just read you post and wanted to say welcome.. i think you definitly are feeling guilty and stressed and there could be SOOO many reasons with all of those other men that you didnt get pregnant.. you are now with the man you say your suppose to be with, he brought you to God and now your life has changed, so you may get pregnant easily now.. your in a different place in your life.. i do understand worrying before you start to try, but try and enjoy the "ttc" for now.. and if nothing happens within 6 mos.. see your obgyn (one who specializes in IF) and have him do some basic testing.. i def agree if youve had no symptoms of the diseases you speak of i doubt thats the problem.. and even though there is secondary infertility maybe God was waiting for you to meet this man, because he knew you would make good parents togehter.. and if within time you dont get pregnant, and there is a medical problem, and i canmost pormise you that it is not something you caused!! so dont feel guilty.. my friends mother got pregnant at 15.. and then it took her almost 25 years to get pregnant again.. so even tho she got pregnnat fast as a teen she didnt get pregnant the whole time she was married and then when she remarried and was almost 40 her daughter came!!! if you need anything else we will be here good luck... <3 aimee

 
Old 02-22-2007, 08:02 AM   #8
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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tjjsrj HB User
Re: Hi everyone, I'm new. Long story to share

Hi Jessika,
Well the other girls have given you such great advice! I just wanted to say welcome and to congratulate you on finding the Lord. Remember, no one is perfect, we have all had our fair share of mistakes, I would love to go back and change a lot of things I have done, but that just isn't possible. Remember that God is all forgiving. If you have asked for forgiveness, your past is history to God and forgotten. The most important thing is that you forgive yourself. You sound like you have a wonderful and supportive husband and that is so wonderful. Remember God knows all of our needs and as long as we continue to turn to Him, He will provide. As I go through my IF troubles I have to keep telling myself that. Unfortunately we don't know God's timing, but remember it is always perfect!
Take care and I will surely be thinking and praying for you.
Tabaya

 
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