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Old 09-26-2007, 04:51 PM   #1
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I need encouragement/advice

Hi Ladies! I'm sure you've all met/know someone like this. Back in May, I got together with some friends from college. I noticed one had gained some weight and initially thought she was pregnant. She never said anything that day, but another friend noticed I was upset and asked me about it. Being at the end of my first failed Clomid cycle, I instantly broke down and told them all about our infertility. Well, friend #1 blurted out the ole' "if you relax it will happen...stop thinking about it." Then she went on to say that in "our situation, we're just letting things happen as they will"...smuggly. I was hurt by her words because, as we all know, stress doesn't cause infertility...rather infertility causes stress! I wanted to tell her I wasn't stressed for the first year...but after that...there's no control!

So, 2 months later she calls to tell me she's pregnant...and yes she was when she said those hurtful things to me. I e-mailed her and apologized if i didn't sound totally happy but it's very difficult for me. She wrote back and understood. We haven't talked since then (which isn't out of the ordinary). However, just got an e-mail from her for her baby's website. Apparently it's a girl. But the website goes on to say how they had just gone off bcp and all of the sudden they were pregnant...lucky them!

So this leads to my need of encouragement/advice. One of our friends is getting married this weekend and I'll be seeing her in her pregnant glory. I have other friends who are pregnant, and I don't feel this disdain for them...it's just her...because I feel no compassion from her! So, how do I handle this situation? I'm thinking of course I'll just suck it up and act happy...and try not to cry (that website e-mail made me cry for the first time in a month!)

Sorry to ramble on...but I know you all know what I'm talking about! Thanks for anything you've got for me!! - April

 
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Old 09-26-2007, 05:36 PM   #2
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hey April, It does not sound like a very fun situation that you'll be facing this weekend. I think each of us on this board totally understands how you must feel. In my mind it's good that you have had a cry... we need these once and a while. As for this weekend, as hard as it will be, I'd just try to keep your chin up and seriously pretend to be as happy as you can for her. And if you need to have another big cry when you get home from the wedding, you just go for it. At least you won't feel the guilt of acting bitter towards her, which by the way, could possibly even bring her some kind of twisted pleasure. Don't give her the satisfaction of thinking that you aren't happy. This is a difficult journey, but sweetie, it WILL happen for you. I hope it happens sooner than later, but look back at all the pages and threads here where ladies have posted their BFP's when they also had prior feelings of hopelessness. Our miracles are waiting too.

Good luck to you!

 
Old 09-27-2007, 03:40 AM   #3
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. It is always devastating when friends / family members get pg easily, and just seems to be a stark reminder of our IF problems. I find it so difficult, even with friends who are sympathetic and understanding. It just hurts SO much. I wish you lots of luck for getting through the weekend, and hope you find the strength to put on a brave/ happy face. If you have to distance yourself from this rather insensitive 'friend' for a while, then so be it. You need understanding and supportive people around you. You WILL get pg and one day soon all this pain will be but a distant memory.
All the best,
Lizzie

 
Old 09-27-2007, 04:52 AM   #4
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April!

Boy, I know how you feel!! In this situation, you really have one of two options, imo.

1) If you can avoid the wedding altogether, I'd say do that. Period.

2) If the friend who's getting married is a close one, and you can't possibly avoid the situation, then go and mingle with the fun friends at the wedding (and not the downers who make you feel like crap). I'm sure there will be a bunch of people at the party who can take your mind off IF (rather than bringing it to the forefront). Just say hi to her in passing (to be polite), and then move on and try to have a blast.

I know it is hard to brush off certain comments and there are people out there insensitive enough to boast about things others lack (karma will catch up to them eventually).

And, if you can drink a couple of glasses of wine at this point in your cycle, that couldn't hurt either, right? (Now there's something you can do that she can't)

 
Old 09-27-2007, 05:02 AM   #5
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April.

I know what you are going through. over the past 3 1/2 years that i was ttc, i have had several friends give birth and have been stuck at many baby showers, etc. it really sucks. all through it, at my lowest point, i would say in my head over and over, my day is coming, my day is coming and it will be so sweet. even now, my DH said he can't wait to go and register for a million things for a baby shower so that all that torture i went through will be worth it when those girls have to give me gifts times 2 because we are having twins. it's my own secret revenge plot. as for the wedding, unless there is a question that you are pg, i would have some cocktails to relax, and then go hang out with people who are fun. and hopefully the reception hall is big enough that you can stay on opposite sides of the room from her, or excuse yourself to the ladies room or to get fresh air if she comes by. or leave early if you feel really down. or hide on the dance floor with your DH. whatever it takes so you aren't stuck staring at her all night. Good luck! You can do it! Your day WILL come!

 
Old 09-27-2007, 06:13 AM   #6
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Thank you so much for your encouragement...I knew you would all understand...and your posts certainly made me feel better! Unfortunately, skipping the wedding isn't an option...I'm a bridesmaid! But, as you've suggested, I will do my best to avoid her. I just don't want to come of as "that" girl who is rude about her wonderful pregnancy...you know! I don't want her to have anything to hold against me!

While I'm there this weekend, I will think of all of your and your advice. I know that will help! Thanks so much! - April

By the way CBB, I love your secret revenge! You're so blessed (as you know!) to have two little babies! Good luck!

 
Old 09-27-2007, 06:32 AM   #7
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

I don't understand how some people can be so inconsiderate....I know they don't know the pain and emotions we all go through but you think them being our friends they would at least understand that it's not so easy and to be caring and supportive. I had the same thing happen when I was still in high school.....not to long ago.....any ways my best friend who never wanted kids told me she was pregnant.....and even me being so young I always just knew I'd have trouble getting pregnant.....well she never told anyone she was pregnant but me and she never went to the Dr. or anything until one day he dad came to get her to take her to stay the Christmas holiday with him and she told him she needed to go to the Dr. before the left...he asked why and she told him.....she delivered 8 hours later a 2 lb. 3 oz baby boy.....she drank smoked and did drugs but some how in the horible world someone upstairs saw fit for her to have a child and not me.....I don't always understand things but I know some reason thing happen. So as I see it we will all get our BFP soon if people like her deserve babies I know we have to.

 
Old 09-27-2007, 09:39 AM   #8
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Oh my dear....how can people be so inconsiderate. You don't say to someone who ha cancer "Oh, just relax and it will go away" or that "Stress causes cancer" It very well could be a factor for all I know, but how the heck does that help the person who has the cancer? And to be smug about it and all 'Oh as soon as I got off the Pill there she is!" Well, good for her. She knows your situation and didn't give two figs about it. I hope she never has to learn abotu IF the hard way, but to behonest, yes, I wish she would have learned about it through talking to you, reading about it... I mean, if I know my friends has something...like....I don't know...cancer, I woudl do everyhting I could to research it and help her, even if it's knowing what sh'es talkign abotu when she tells me abotu an appointment.

It really sucks to have to be around pg women. I know it sound bitter, but I'm having one of those days, please forgive. But look at Amy, she works where they give classes to pg women and she had to see them everyday going in and out....and now she's one of them! It WILL be your turn soon, dearest, and until then, just keep going to your apointments, don't lose hope and go to all the fancy child-unfriendly restaurants you want and gloat to your friends.

It WILL be your turn soon. I know it. I hope you feel better soon, dear.

***********babydust***********

 
Old 09-28-2007, 12:37 PM   #9
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April.

Just wanted to wish you luck and courage as the wedding approaches. I know you are dreading it.

I just want to share this with you so you don't feel alone. As you know, I am almost 7 weeks along now. It has been a long painful road for me. My DH and I have been talking about how excited we will be to tell his parents in a couple of weeks. We're just bursting as you would imagine. So we get a call today from my father in law saying my sister in law is pg. I can't stand her. she is an absolutely horrible miserable person. she is a gold digger and badgered my husband's brother until he gave in and married her two years ago. and she is 6 weeks. so can you imagine how i feel right now? i feel robbed, i feel devastated, i feel bitter, i feel like this was supposed to be my time to shine. i am just plain angry. I know i should be happy because i am pg too and i am having twins, and the cousins will be the same age, etc. but it doesn't help. so my point is, these feelings we have are hard, they hurt, they will come and go, they make us feel bad, and mad, and sad, but we all have them. and that's why we stick together on these boards. to help each other through the rough times. Try to hang in there this weekend.

 
Old 09-28-2007, 01:47 PM   #10
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

CBB, thanks so much for the well wishes. I'm feeling a bit more put together now, so hopefully my encounter with her will be bearable.

As for your situation, I'm so sorry you sister-in-law stole your glory. I can only imagine how excited you were to share you news with your family. And I know how hard it must be that someone like her had to beat you to the punch. But just try to remember that you've got her "beat" with two wonderful babies! And, you're further along (if only by a week!) so hopefully you'll have those children just before her...and you'll steal her thunder! In the end though, as you say, it's really the fact that your wonderful children will have a cousin (and you a niece or nephew) that you can love.

Good luck with telling your parents! I'll let everyone know how it goes. Hopefully there won't be much of anything to report back! - April

 
Old 09-28-2007, 04:12 PM   #11
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April

Have a good time at the wedding and if at any stage you feel uncomfortable just think of us and know that we are with you in spirit and are there supporting you 100%.

Now go and have a good time, hold your head up high, smile and be sure to have a few drinks on our behalf!

Ruby

 
Old 09-29-2007, 03:42 AM   #12
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Hi April

I hope you have a blast at the wedding, have a few glasses of wine (if your cycle allows it) . Good luck i'll be thinking of you.

Charlene

 
Old 09-29-2007, 09:07 AM   #13
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

April - You are so right. My mother said the same thing- she said well when you drop the Twin Bomb on them your in-laws will so thrilled they'll be over the moon and won't even be thinking about her. and of course twins will be born early so I will have the babies before her. i know it sounds petty and childish, but my brother in law and her are 10 years younger than me and DH and i know age doesn't matter but i feel like saying they have all the time in the world to have children while me and DH are getting older, why couldn't this have happened to them a year from now? i am going to work hard to forget about her. and my one friend who knows said to me, well when they come to you with their big announcement you can turn around right then and trump them with the twins and just wait until you see the look on her face. she thinks she is the one with the big news but i will be the one with the bigger news. so that kind of makes me feel better in a sick and twisted way. boy do i hate feeling this way.

Good luck at the wedding. can't wait to hear how it goes!

 
Old 09-29-2007, 10:11 AM   #14
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Wow CBB, I recall a while back you telling us about your manipulative SIL. I imagine you must have been somewhat P.O.'d when you heard about her pregnancy. But believe me, you will def be stealing her thunder. Obviously with the announcement of twins, everybody is sure to be floored and super excited. Also, it sounds like you and DH have a wonderful relationship and one that is going to be perfect for bringing a child into. I'm sure DH's family is aware of the nurturing and self-less environment these precious twins are about to be born into, and for that they are likely to be overwhelmed with joy!

So I also got a call yesterday. A good friend of mine called and said that she is 3 months pregnant with a guy she started dating in March and they are going to elope. That follows the call I got on my birthday from my BF from high school who got pregnant while on the pill. I love both of these girls and I'm honestly happy for both of them, b/c I know them both well and knew they both wanted to have a baby soon.... but seriously, me and DH are so pyhsically, mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for a child why can't it happen to US!?!?!?!?!!!! At least both girls live out of state so their big pregnant bellies won't be making me miserable!

 
Old 09-29-2007, 01:46 PM   #15
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Re: I need encouragement/advice

Oh Kari thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. I feel for you with all this pregnancy stuff. even though i am "one of them" i feel like i am different than these other girls because i was ready, i wasn't competing with other people in my circle, i have a stable relationship, etc. My SIL is jealous because another girl in our group announced she was 10 weeks along a few weeks ago and the first thing my SIL said when the girl left was, I am NOT going to her baby shower. that's how immature and jealous she is. what i want to say to her now is how would you feel if someone said that about you. she is just the worst. I know your time is coming. I know the pain. i know how we can be happy for other girls but it still hurts like crazy. it just plain sucks. i have 3 people in my life giving birth in 2008 besides me so again i feel like i have struggled for years and these people just get knocked up and go about their life. ugh. but the best thing to look forward to is the weekly u/s and all the updates. my one friend is now 14 weeks and has not had even one u/s yet. i feel lucky in that respect. i will have an entire scrapbook of pictures while they are still wondering and guessing about what's going on inside them. and soon you will too and how wonderful it will be. then you can call people and make the announcement. i am still waiting to do that and it is going to be the sweetest day for me.

 
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