Okay, this is going to sound totally sad and pathetic but please help me.
I am not very good at coping when people announce their pregnancy news. Usually I act over the top happy for them in order to try and cover up my real feelings of jealousy or I act cold and uninterested. Neither of these approaches are any good.
I got a text from a girlfriend this morning, she is PG with baby number three. She told me she is going to ring me tonight to surprise me with some baby news. I don't know what it is but I suspect that she may be having twins. I should be happy for her and I guess that deep down I am but I am also incredibly jealous and angry that it's not me announcing a twin pregnancy (afterall, I'm the one who's been taking clomid for the last seven months!). What will I say to her when she tells me? She is well aware of my situation and was hesitant to even tell me about the pregnancy at first. Infact, it seems that everybody who knows feels so sorry for me and it's embarrassing. I need to maintain my sense of dignity and pride and not be reduced to "poor infertile Ruby".
Please give me some advice on what to say to her tonight. I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop thinking about it and there is no-one else I could ask for advice on a subject like this.
Hi Ruby sweetie I am so sorry you have to deal with a friend being pregnant.We all know how hard it is.I dont know what advice I can give you other then just be honest with her since she knows your situation.Maybe you can just tell her you are happy for her but sorry you cant be over the moon for her.Wish her luck and tell her you hope she has a good pregnancy.I dont know what to say sweetie I know its just so hard to be happy for others when we are struggling so hard.I am sure you will find the right words to say to her.I also hate to be the poor Mapia that cant get pregnant I dont want people feeling sorry for me.I feel sorry enough for me as it is.Well sweetie good luck with the phone call tonight let us know how it goes.Take care and be strong also know we will be here for you.
oh Ruby, I feel for you. I would just keep it short and simple......say congrats.....and just say what miracles all babies are. Maybe you can cut the call short. Acting cold and detached is really the only way to handle it........I understand not wanting people to feel sorry for you but I am sure that your friends feel empathy for you, which is a much more graceful thought. People who never experience IF do not even fathom how hard it can be. Your emotions are perfectly normal and understandable. I would even explain you are having a rough time and want to be happy for her but right now things are just really hard because you want another baby so badly too.........if its a close enough friend, you may be suprised by how sensitive our friends can be if we let them. I will be praying its a quick and easy call and you feel ok afterwards. Good Luck,AimeeM
My thoughts are with you. I know it is incredibly difficult when we hear of friend's pregnancies, and sometimes it is almost impossible to mask how we are really feeling. I would be totally honest with her, and if you're finding it difficult to talk, say so.
I was so happy to hear of my friend's pregnancy the other day as she had been trying for several months, then got so upset afterwards as if from nowhere. She was also afraid to tell me, and I know how it feels knowing people feel sorry for you, it's horrid. Your time will come, and it won't be long now. All you can do is be yourself and know that we are thinking of you honey. Best of luck with the phonecall, and if you eally can't handle it, maybe turn the phone off!?
Lots of love,
Oh Ruby, what a horrible situation for you... I mean getting those calls are difficult enough... but for her to give you advanced notice about exciting baby news and force you to think about it all day... well I think that is acutally kinda rude (that is, if she knows that you are having difficulty TTC your precious #3). I agree with Aimee and think you should try to keep the conversation as short as possible. I'd maybe tell her congrats and that you are thrilled for her and then tell her you've got something on the stove and really must go or something. The longer she gushes to you, the more opportunity for you to get upset. And if you are good friends and you are comfortable telling her how painful it is to hear announcement after announcement of others' pregnancies, I am certain she will understand (she should, anyway).
Well I'll be thinking of you... please let us know how everything goes, okay?
Thanks so much ladies. I knew you guys would have great advice.
I can't believe how emotional I am feeling today, I am crying as I type this. I couldn't figure out why but when I read Kari's post I realised it is because I have been forced to think about it all day and I've gotten myself all worked up over it.
To make matters worse we are supposed to be having dinner at her house on Friday night. I wish I hadn't agreed to go now but there is no way I can get out of it without being rude. Arghhhh, I'm so sick of this, I just want to get on with my life and enjoy other people and be happy for them without feeling sorry for myself.
Don't be hard on yourself for being sad... IF really DOES suck! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day... I was crying and all emotional yesterday so believe me I understand. I think you should see how you feel over the next couple of days. If you still don't think you can emotionally handle going to dinner on Friday nite then I'd advise not to do it... even if you can't come up with a reason that doesn't sound rude, it would be unfair to yourself.... and you really do need to put yourself first sometimes. Sending you huge (((hugs))). Love,
Thanks Kari. I'm actually feeling much better now, I just got into a bit of a funk earlier. I really appreciate you guys being there for me when I needed it most.
I spoke to my friend's DH earlier as he rang to speak to my DH and he told me that my friend was at the radiologist having an u/s and that she had just rung him to tell him the "flavour" of their baby. Apparently they are having a little girl and when she texted me earlier this morning that is the 'surprise' she was referring to. So there are no twins and she was just keen to share the excitement of her u/s with me. I wish I hadn't gotten so worked up about it, I feel like a dork now. On the other hand, I can't muster up the energy to feel excited with her but at least now I can stop wondering and be prepared for when she phones me tonight.
I'm so sorry for carrying on like a raving lunatic and I thank you all so much for understanding. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have you girls to turn to - thank you.
Hi Ruby I am glad that you are feeling better and that the news is only the gender and not twins, what a relief. You have a right rant and rave whenever you feel like it. We are always here for you no matter what.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
Lots of love
I'm happy that you're feeling a bit better, and please don't ever apologize for venting on the board. That's what we're all here for! And then we'll all be here together to celebrate our BFPs as well, right?!!
We all understand how difficult it is to become excited when a friend becomes pregnant, as much as we want to be happy for them. It isn't easy, but our times are coming!!!
Oh Ruby, sorry, I know I'm coming in late but how hard for you! As if you need to think abotu her baby news all day. Even if you weren't suffering from IF, that's still a little bit immature of her. Sorry if that sounds rude, I suppose I'm just a bit upset on your behlaf, dearest. Don't ever feel bad abotu venting!! It's what we are all here for! Don't feel liek dork, I'm sure we have all reacted that way one time or another. And your time is coming for your BFP!!!!!!!
Ruby honey, its so natural to have you feelings when dealing with IF. We all ahve it and there is nothing to feel guilty about or even feel like a dork. We all know that we are happy for them on one shoulder, but the other shoulder is upset because its not happening for us. I can remember when a very close friend went 5 years of IF and get PG, I was excited, but still hurt. Not that I didnt want her to be pg, but I would have loved to been there with her too. Its so natural.
Ruby & Mapia,
I find it hard to find the middle ground, where we can be open with friends about IF. But most people don't understand. Some don't even try. Others just give sympathy looks at best or worse, looks of pity - oh I hate the pity looks!
I know a few people who are TTC right now, and hypothetically, if/when I get pg, I honestly don't know the best way to tell them. I've thought about this in my head over and over, but I really can't come up with the best way. Maybe I'll start a thread asking about this - so many creative, sensitive and wonderful ladies on the board. This would be good to get some ideas.
In the same vein, I've had close friends admit to me they hated telling me that they were pg, because they know our situation, but at the same time they didn't want me to hear it from another source, which I respect. Tough stuff.
Hi Ruby friend, I'm glad that you are feeling so much better and I'm actually glad to hear that your friend was not announcing twins. Maybe I'm weird for feeling this way, but I think that would have probably been a little harder to handle. This is an emotional ride that we are on, and we all have our up days and down days. You are such a fantastic support to all of us so don't ever feel bad for coming to us when you are feeling down. I hope that you are doing good today. BTW, are you and DH trying naturally this cycle? I imagine you must be approaching ovulation time, right? Good luck sweetie and let us know how you are doing when you can.
Kari, dear, I don't think it's weird....I think it woudl be harder to handle the news of twins, too. At least, it would be for me. I could handle an announcement of gender, I mean, the baby has to have a gender, doesn't it? But twins....that's a toughter mouthful to swallow.
Ruby, you are always so strong and sweet, don't feel bad for leaning on a shoulder when you need to. Thats' what we are here for Are you still working? How is that going?
I hope that the rest of your week goes by smoothly and unprovokingly It's almost the weekend!!!!
Ruby sweetie I am sorry you are feeling so down I know how hard it is trust me.The more time passes for us the harder it gets to accept seeing pregnant women or hearing someone is pregnant.I am sure you will find the strength to be a good friend and do the right thing.You are such an amazing women and you are so strong.Take care sweetie and keep us posted you know we are here for you.
I really appreciate everyone's replys - thank you.
Kari, I'm actually glad you said what you did and don't think it's weird at all. Infact, I was quite relieved because I thought you guys would think I was odd for thinking that way. Princess is right when she says that the baby has a gender which had to be announced but swallowing news of twins would have been so hard.
I hope no-one from this board who is expecting thinks that I would feel this way towards them. I respect all of you so much for winning your struggle with IF and think of you all as friends - your success is my inspiration.
Oh Ruby we could never think you are weird sweetie.Its hard to hear of people announcing a pregnancy people that dont go through IF that is.But when I hear of one of my girls from the boards getting pregnant I am genuinly happy for them.All of us struggling deserve a baby 2 times more.So know that we understand your pain and we know how happy you are for any of us getting pregnant.I consider you a great friend as well sweetie.Take care and we are always here for you and eachother.IF sisters stick together.
Oh and yes, DH and I are definitely trying naturally this month. DH has cut out all caffine and I have been eating like a rabbit and have already lost two kilos! I've been walking every day and drinking gallons of water. Over the last few days I have been drinking green tea as well but I think it is giving me a funny tummy. Anyway, I am feeling really healthy and figure that even if I don't conceive naturally that at least my body will be in top condition by the time we begin IVF.