When is it time to give up? if ever? - Infertility Message Board

pinkie1 · 05-15-2008, 04:14 PM

Hi Everyone, I've been away for a while, just trying not to think too much about ttc. I started my period the other day after a really strange cycle. O late but my LP wasn't the usual 11 days, instead it was 8.

Anyway, when is it time to throw in the towel? We've been ttc for 4 years (I know that's not long compared to some), but feels like forever. We've done 3 IUI's (once in 2006 and 2 in a row few months ago). My body seems like it should be able to conceive easily (I O consistanly on CD18, good CM, DH's sperms are good...) but nada for 4 years. I want to give up ttc but there's that little part of me where I feel like I have to keep trying until I hit menopause. I'm not getting any younger, I turn 35 next Sunday and it's the first time my Bday is really hitting me hard. I have this stigma of turning 35- all the literature saying woman's chance to conceive greatly reduces when she turns 35 (not that it's an over night deal, but that number sticks out at me).

DH and I talked about adoption and we went to a seminar to take the first steps. But, my heart is not totally ready for it yet. Most likely we'd end up with an older child (6 years or older), and I'm sorry call me selfish but I was really hoping for a little baby. Basically things are not looking good in getting an infant in either domestic or overseas.

I know I should be greatful for my DS (5 years old) and I am. He's the love of my life, he's the reason I want more. I love him more and more everyday.

I'm tryingto change my views of my future of living with just one child instead of a house full of kids because I know that's not going to happen. But when I've had these dreams since childhood of having lots of kids and becoming a realization that it's not going to happen is a big adjustment.

I know there is no one answer to my question of when to stop ttc, it's a personal choice, but I have such conflict over it. I want to stop but at the same time don't want to. Does that make sense? argh!! I just want my desire of another baby to go away. I think that'll be the only solution to my inner battle.

Sorry this post is so long, I needed to let this out. Friends have no clue what this feels like, and DH is so analytical and black/white that he would just way "You need to get over it. Mind over matter"

Kari15 · 05-15-2008, 10:52 PM

Hey Pinkie, I just want to let you know I feel your painful dilemma. Four years is a very long time, and struggling to conceive is one of the most emotionally draining things in the world. You know I thought for sure this would be my last IVF cycle ever (and it may still be), but for the first time ever I've actually considered maybe donor eggs since my 31 yr old eggs appear to have quality issues. So just when I think I've tried all that I could possibly try and failed at it all, well now I'd actually consider taking it another step further. It's all kinda crazy. I don't think there's an answer to your question... it's for sure a personal choice. As far as having a child (biological or not), I don't think I'll ever give up. I want a big family

Hope you are doing well tonight. Keep hanging in there.

PrincessSweetNS · 05-16-2008, 11:08 AM

OH Pinkie, I was wondering how this cycle was going. I knwo that you O'ed pretty late and was wondering what happened. I'm so sorry abotu bfn this time. As Kari said---Im not sure there is an answer t your question. It's all up to you. I mean, you and Dh....but ultimately up to you. It's a totally personal choice. Maybe an extended break might do you well. I think you were talking about taking a vacation awhile ago? I think that you shoudl think carefully about what you want to do. Take that vacation and come back with a clear mind so you can make a decision that will feel good fo reverybody. I wish you tonnes of luck and know we will support you 150% no matter what your choice is.

Hopefulx2.5 · 05-16-2008, 12:36 PM

Pinkie,

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I, too, have been TTC for 4 years but I am still TTC #1, we have unexplained IF (which I assume is also your issue) I have heard varying degrees of already having a child and struggling be more difficult to bear than TTC #1, but I only know how gut wrenching difficult it has been for me. But to already have one and really to know what you are missing out on, that must be incredibly hard. So, I can feel your pain...especially when everyone around you is having more and more babies. As far as friends and family understanding...that is almost nearly impossible. It can only really be fathomed by a fellow IFer.

About 2 years ago, my DH said "why don't we just adopt" and I think he finally realizes how important it is to keep trying and to do everything phsyically (and emotionally) possible to have our own biological child. He now wants "our" baby as much as I do.

As far as still trying....it really is a personal choice and I have read more than I would like about the whole ordeal about once you are 30....then once you are 35....but I still hold on to the belief that 40 is the new 30 and there are still women having babies naturally even in there 40's. I won't argue that it isn't more difficult and I, too, feel that old biological clock ticking away. I am 32 (which I know it is NOT old but it still hurts and is such a stigma in society). I know that I will be a much better mommy than I would have been 10-12 or even 8 years ago. My DH and I have such a wonderful and solid foundation and an incredible amount of faith in each other. I couldn't do it without him.

As far as your DH....I am sure that he is hurting too and watching you in so much pain must tear at his heart. I know it is difficult when he only sees in black and white. Perhaps you both just need some time Not to think about TTC and enjoy each other. Have faith in God and reach out to Him and I hope you find your answer.

Good luck and please keep us posted with whatever route you decide and we will support you all the way.

pinkie1 · 05-16-2008, 05:26 PM

You ladies are the best! What would I do without this board.

Kari- I'm sorry that even though you're young your eggs have a mind of their own. It doesn't seem fair, huh? None of this IF seems fair. But, the journey is a little easier with support from people like you.

Princess- I've been scouring the boards to see what your outcome was for the test. Was it a progesterone test or beta you were testing for? I wish you all the luck in the world, hun. You're the sweetest!

Hopeful- you're right, it does seem 40 is the new 30. So then does that mean I'm turning 25???

That was a good year! My DH does deal with IF in a different way than I and he tries to be supportive and sweet to me. I love him so much, I think if I had married any other man he wouldn't have half the patience with me as my DH does.

In 30 minutes I'm leaving to go to a concert (Crowded House) where I have front row middle seats! Smack-dab in the middle! I am so excited!