lonealpha

i dont know if i have a psychological condition but i know that i got problems , problems i never had . a change in the course of my life to be more precise , a drift.

i was 16 , a brilliant student ,and sociable person . people expected much from me , drew me a bright future . I expected much from my self , i was never the hard working type , but ... anyway it all started in my 6th year at secondary school (check my country's educational system for more infos) it was a new year and as with all new years we got meeting sessions with our teachers (professeur) some we knew and others are new and so was my English teacher. a very attractive and beautiful women , that was my first thought of her .first session with her wasn't very good as i made joke about her,one that my schoolmates found very funny and couldn't stop laughing. so she kicked me out of the class room , took my things and went home to find her there renting an apartment facing the one i live in . So i was sneaking away when she saw me and for a moment we couldn't stop laughing... since that day we started talking for long hours each day we meet in front of the appartments than we took the discussion into hers apartment...

we discussed every aspects of science history and life and i found her very educated and very pleasing to be with . one day she came up with a confession she told me she is attracted to me and loves me , i thought about it in a second than i told her the same than our long time disscusions turned into couples meetings... we spent 2 years together ,she got many proposals from other men wich she turned down, and i got many run-in with my parents mainly my mother wich became suspicious and she also got complains from other professors about me. They kicked her out of the apartment , but as soon as she got an other our meetings continued.

when i got my "baccalauréat avec mention bien" (guess BA honors) wich my familly considers a failure , i do now. i went to university,moved up from my hometown and thought that she would , wich she did to some extent, but all that didn't last. she called me one day to tell me she is going to get married and that we need to stop seeing each other . i agreed rationally , but something in my subconscience have awaken. DOUBT i started to doubt everything about what we had , i felt used , outsmarted , empty , void , an eagle falling from the sky. i couldn't continue studying ,couldn't do anything. since that time 5 years ago my father relocated from one university to another , even sent me abroad , but nothing worked right for me couldn't stop from failing everytime. and with every failure i began to be more distint from my family , friends an society.

Now i live isolated never leaving home and never feeling home in the same time , can't look my parents in the eye ,can't engage in a conversation , can't find the right words to express myself, can't enjoy a joke , can't imagine a future for my self. the only times i leave home i go to the wildness or to a deserted beach.

I don't blame her for any of this but i couldn't understand whats happening to myself neither. well that was one of my "unlucky" events in life ,short as it seems, i can't tell you about all the bad luck that happened to me these past years as i told you too much already. but maybe some other time i will.