my husband in in late 40s and received a kidney, my kidney, in 2004 after 8 months on dialysis. The disease has caused great depression, beyond anything I can type right now. we have insurance but as you can imagine, hoops and loops we must jump through is overwhelming. We also make too much for state aid on my piddly income. Go figure. The expense of his daily medications has put him into a terrible downward spiral and a week ago he told me he has given up and stopped taking his meds, all of his meds. He'd said this before we were always able to get the meds one way or another. He is in counseling and revealed this to his counselor as well. He is now at the point where he is telling me he doesnt feel 'good' and wants to tell our kids he is dying. (they're 18, 13 and 12). He is adamant about this, although threw me a mind boggler last night, blaming me that had I acted differently when he first told me his plans he would have acted differntly (???). Its always my fault, I blame that on the toxins in the body during ESRF and after transplant on the prednisone. I'm scared and confused. He is refusing help saying he will not beg for his life. What should I be expecdting. He told me he doesnt want the kids findiing him dead, just me. What do I expect, what will happen?
I am so sorry to hear about your husbands decision to stop his medications. Of course, this is a very dangerous situation for him, and unbearable for you and your children.
My first suggestion is to contact his nephrologist, and discuss this with him/her. Even starting the medications back up could be dangerous if unsupervised.
May I ask a few questions?
Do you hold a medical power of attorney for him?
How long has it been since he stopped taking meds?
Is he capable, in your opinion, to make responsible choices about his medical care?
Is he suicidal?
I will be watching for you, and I am very concerned for you and your familly...Hugs and love... WL
I had to run out and get the kids, but I wanted to offer you a few more words of support...There are many knowledgeable and well meaning people on this board, that I am sure will offer you much more than I can, but each of us have our own desire to help, any way we can.
I also am fighting the effects of stage 4 kidney disease, and will soon be starting dialysis. I know how important the medications are, particularly following transplant (which is also in my future). I am also 48, and have teenage children. Depression is very easy to fall into, and difficult to overcome, with life threatening illness. I am no stranger to the added burden depression has on a very sick person.
His choice to put the blame on you is unfortunate, but likely more of a coping skill, than an attempt to make you feel terrible. It might be helpful to look at his actions as being part of the illness, rather than just him. I am so sorry for what this is doing to you, and your kids.
Dear Sunny,
I am so sorry-the road you are on will be one of the hardest you will ever travel-My Husband has refused help and is waiting for a VA appointment-And I for the past 6 weeks have had to watch him Die-Tonight I vented on the board-I have durable power of attorney and he has a DNR. I could over ride him if he was to become unconsious,but that would serve only Me-And there are times I would love to be selfish-The diffrence between our husbands is age-My hubby just turned 75. It sounds like your husband may be depressed. My husband takes things out on me to and can be very creul at times-I truly believe it is all the toxins in his body cause in the next moment he tells me how much he loves me-It still hurts all the same. I would hope for your family's sake he will look at the entire picture and seek some kind of help-and then if he truly wants it to end-You all can prepare for the journey he will be taking.
Karen
Thank you for your support, everyone. I do not have medical POA. This is his choice. At first I didn't take it seriously, its been said before and his words and actions have been abusive, but yes, I blame the disease; the toxins and now the meds and the depression. I was also in counselling but he's not honest there and I truly believe he is just internally an unhappy person...and yes, I take the brundt of it all along w/our 18 yr old son...who looks exactly like me. Go figure.
I had contacted his doctor in the past. Hands are tied. I think its been a week w/o any of his meds but he has it so I can't monitor any of it then holds that against me as well. I'm not kidding, if he weren't ill....found out a month after our marriage 22 yrs ago, I would be long gone. Now I am stuck, 3 children, one entering college in 3 wks and so on and so forth. I am not looking for sympathy, not at all...but I buried my mom in Feb after a year of caring for her during her devastating illness. I needed some time, had a vacation from work, to heal, and he was jealous of the time I cared for my mom, made life miserable and is still jealous I grieve for her. Honestly, he has become meaner and meaner w/every passing day....but I can't bear seeing my kids suffering through watching another person they love die. He has cut off all communication w/his family, allowing a small visit with his own 83 yr old mother the other day but made me feel guilty for having his mother and sister here (they came from out of state to visit other family an hour from our house). I have to be careful what i say, he claims his family is very controlling and like I said, he basically cut off all communication but I told her as much as I could without breaking a promise to him that I would not... Right now I am more angry than sad. Angry he is putting me through this at the beginning of anther school year (last years began w/my mom going down hill), doing this to our children-the roller coaster ride, and crap, I gave him the kidney because I loved him...not because I expectd him to go through surgery and with my kidney go back to work, make a million dollars and support me. All that is thrown back in my face over and over again. I'm angry. He also was angry w/me for not asking help in dealing with my emotions OR researching what he is going to go through. He keeps telling me he should be dead in 4 weeks time. You can all only imagine how I am walking around, not sleeping at all and a mess myself. I can't do or say anything right. What do I expect next? Sorry so long....guess I did need to vent it all out.
High Importance-Refusing Meds 
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