Update - Kidney Disorders Message Board

sunny21609 · 08-12-2009, 02:03 PM

Update, here goes....we have received meds to get him through a few weeks and have a case worker who thinks he should be able to get some assistance. Unfortunately, we went this road before many, many times with no positive outcome. We also have a case worker at the transplant hospital who will try to get him onto an assistance program with the mfg's of his meds. Also have done this route before...since I work, even though I make peanuts, and since I have insurance coverage for all of us (even though he caps out by the end of Feb and we pay out of pocket for the remainder of the year with a percentage check heading our way every 8 -12 weeks that could barely cover a day's worth of meds, the assistance program will not be able to help him.
No wonder the man feels like crap and a looser (no excuse to treat me or his children the way he does, but you can understand it better?).
Anyway that's where we stand.
On a heavy note, my 18 yr old, who worked full time the past three summers, this summer holding three jobs (1 full, 1 part and 1 as fill in driver a few times a month) bought a new car for himself. Its a 94 Ford probe. He is so excited and proud of himself and he should be...he worked hard these past several summers. he is also putting himself through college, thankfully with scholarships and grants and student loans. I have an impending dread about myself today though. I know his dad isn't going to see this as anything good or to be proud of. His father is only going to see that our family is suffering from lack of income and 'this kid' is buying himself a new car when he has a car (good little chevy cavalier but it leaks like hell and isn't the nw sporty looking car). I feel for my son. He works 12-15 hr days some days. He already has a sour relationship with his dad. Son is angry at dad for getting sick (my son was 12 going on 13) and for being the miserable unhappy person he is. My husband is always critical of our oldest, always telling him what mistakes he's making and never making the kid feel good. Almost a jealousy that my son has chances he no longer does. Make sense. So I'm venting here....the pit in my stomach is increasing. My son wants to take his dad w/him to pick up the car. Hubby has no idea whatsoever as my son did not want his father's negativeness while car searching. Yet he yearns for his dad's approval. Such a vindictive negative circle.
Sorry for venting ontop of the update. Huge thanks to all for 'being here' for me last week and today.
S

Franksshow · 08-13-2009, 01:00 PM

I am truly sorry that your hubby is being an ***. My ex acts the same way towards our youngest-She to can never do enough in his eyes. But you sound like a grreat parent for him and in the long run he will appreciate that-Being the care giver is such a horrendous job-One day you are up the next you are down-and when the person you are caring for treats you so bad-Some one once said that it is normal for a dying patient to make us hate them-It is easier to let them go-Well I hate being in a rotten mood and hurt feelings all the time. So my heart goes out to you so much-I once was a single mOm and not having money for meds is so diffucult-And many times we as the adfult sacrifice everything for our kids-and at times it is still not enough and they still need-You must be the proudest parent when it comes to your son-You raised him right-I will pray that he finds a way to have some kind of relationship (healthy for him) with his dad.
K

sunny21609 · 08-13-2009, 07:26 PM

You said your ex? Who has the kidney issue? I'm also as sorry you had to go through what you did. guess we all have our heartaches. He totally blew up at our son today, called him every name in the book and was jusdt nasty. My son now plans on never coming back, not sure if he'll move out in the next fw weeks or just not return from college. My heart is broken. How can a man be so nasty?
I explain to the kids that dad is sick - they understand, but its so hard when I see their faces and their reactions to him. How long were you married? Did you separate due to the kidney disease? sorry if I'm being too nosy. I do not have support here. My family and friends are fed up w/his behavior.

Franksshow · 08-14-2009, 08:29 AM

Dear Sunny,

I was married 20 years to the first ***. He is an alchohlic,diabetic mess-My daughter lives with him,My second Hubby is the one with Kidney failure-stage 4 according to his gfr-He to can be an ***. My first hubby and I were together for 10 years and seperated for the other 10. My new hubby said under no circumstances could any of my children move in with us after we were married-At the time I lived in a home that my mother half owened-Long story short-Kids were scattered and other owner of the house illeaglly evicted me-Moved in with second husband who at the time was an alcholic as well-Lost my job and got stuck-When he got the cancer he stopped drinking-Much better person but still an *** when it comes to my children-Even tho my youngest is 19 now-My heart breaks. She had a rough year-she too ended up with a real ***. Drank and did drugs and she got pregneat. Unfortunatly my grandaughter Fiona was with us only three short days. I thank god a year later my daughter finally dumbed her boyfriend and moved in with her dad-But he treats her rotten. MEN
K

sunny21609 · 08-16-2009, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Franksshow

Dear Sunny,

I was married 20 years to the first ***. He is an alchohlic,diabetic mess-My daughter lives with him,My second Hubby is the one with Kidney failure-stage 4 according to his gfr-He to can be an ***. My first hubby and I were together for 10 years and seperated for the other 10. My new hubby said under no circumstances could any of my children move in with us after we were married-At the time I lived in a home that my mother half owened-Long story short-Kids were scattered and other owner of the house illeaglly evicted me-Moved in with second husband who at the time was an alcholic as well-Lost my job and got stuck-When he got the cancer he stopped drinking-Much better person but still an *** when it comes to my children-Even tho my youngest is 19 now-My heart breaks. She had a rough year-she too ended up with a real ***. Drank and did drugs and she got pregneat. Unfortunatly my grandaughter Fiona was with us only three short days. I thank god a year later my daughter finally dumbed her boyfriend and moved in with her dad-But he treats her rotten. MEN
K

K,
Reading your story broke my heart. You have gone through so much yet were so willling to offer support to another, me. Thank you. I'm sure not all men are a**es but it sure seems like the majority are. Why?
I know alot of it is pride, at least in my dh's case and from counseling I learned (many times) that anger comes from hurt. I get that, I really do. Doesn't mean its fair. My giving my dh a kidney, out of love and caring, has transpired into I gave him the kidney so he'd be able to go back to work and support us. !!!!! So to get even, he refuses to work (I am sure there are many days he truly isnt capable, I'm not a *itch) but when he pushes himself working 12-15 hr days for months on end, spends every penny on useless items that sit stacked in our garage or basement rather than saving for the days he can't work...., then he refuses to pursue any assistance. Says it makes him feel 'less then' and he refuses to be made to feel that way. What??? When my kids were little, my youngest just a month old, he left me (to cheat on me 'legally', haha). My business was closed for several weeks due to my daughter just being born and I was slapped with a citation for not having a "CLOSED" sign posted on my front door (I ran a legal in home day care/preschool for 10 yrs) and because an asbestos abatement was taking place in the daycare area, I was cited again and again and my daughter was not listed as my own w/the state so I was illegally caring for an infant while suppossedly closed...you have no idea. (To my credit I fought each and every citation w/the state and won my case, no money involved, just a cleared state record and a formal apology from the state worker!!). Anyway, during all this I had nothing, no money for formula, diapers anything! Friends and family gave what they could then my best friend drove me to the state aid office and sat w/me as I applied for assistance. Did I feel like a failure? yes. Here I had a great business, loyal customers and a good name with the state and clientele (I was later appt as a liason between the state day care dept and folks wanted to become lic'd daycare providers). But I did it. I applied for assistance. All I could get was $200/month for food. But I did it and took it graciously b/c anything helped!
Nowadays my kids feel shame b/c they are entitled to free lunches at the schools and often bring in their own earned money to buy snacks rather than be humiliated by the school lunch ladies. They're kids and all kids are subject to the cruel behavior of their peers so I understood.
Anyway, I would gladly accept any assistance we can get (and I have a full time job now). Ahh, know what, its too long a story. Bottom line is I have always said and mean w/all my heart, I would live in a cardboard box w/my family if we could just be happy and grateful for what we do have. My kids do not suffer much otherwise. They didnt ask to be brought into this world w/a sick dad. But they have learned that they can work hard for what they want and have a better appreciation for their things and I am trying to teach them to just be happy....a feat that will go unmet due to their father's internal unhappiness. I wish he would go to FL w/his mom. I'd be willing to sacrifice even moreso just to be out from under his nasty wing.
K, good luck to you and sorry to bore you w/my misery when you have enough of your own. I'd keep you in my prayers but I have really lost faith in my god as well. Peace.
Sunny