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Old 01-06-2008, 04:20 PM   #1
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Marie5656 HB User
Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

I know this probably does not exactly belong on this board, but as it does relate to my coming surgery, and since this is the board I most often visit, I am placing the problem here.
Today husband and I had a fight..over money issues, etc. I won't go into details, except that as part of the "fall out" afterward, he started to rant about me "just sitting home on my butt for 6 weeks, while he will have to wait on me". It was like Oh yes, I am having this surgery just to **** him off. OK, what can I do this month to annoy my husband..oh, I think I will go and have my hip replaced, and suffer through rehab and pain, just to make his life miserable.
Sorry for venting here, but it is just that I am anxious enough without listening to him start to feel sorry for himself that he will have to take on some extra duties around the house till I am back on my feet.
When he was talking to his friend on the phone, I was in the bedroom cleaning. It was not as if I could not hear, I was in the next room. I heard him say "I can't wait till her surgery is over, all this is starting to get on my nerves". Or something like that.
OK, have you dealt with this?
Thanks for leting me vent.

 
Old 01-10-2008, 03:22 PM   #2
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Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

Marie:
After lots of Ortho work, I find a supportive spouse is a blessing. The fights you had over other things complicate things and his lack of support may indicate strained communication - not othopaedicaly fixable! Therapy together, long term. Short term, if your situation allows, a helping hand- a " "hired" helper to take the edge off. - a house cleaner once every 2 weeks, a service that prepares meals - you won't and can't be doing it. Get through the surgery, focus on getting better physically, then sort out the communication/marriage - both at once would be too many things on one plate, in my judgement. God Bless you. Capt.

Last edited by CaptBogus; 01-10-2008 at 03:26 PM. Reason: Spelling/clarification

 
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:18 PM   #3
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Silver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB UserSilver Swan HB User
Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

My dear Marie:

Your posting definitely belongs on this board, because your healing and recovery after complete hip replacement will be dependent on following all restrictions - such as not bending below waist level, sitting at 90 degree angle, etc. - all the restrictions that your hip surgeon gives you. You will need frequent rest in between daily care activities you do yourself, such as sponge bathing, toileting, fixing meals for yourself, washing up dishes, getting in and out of bed. This is what I am doing, and it fills my entire day and night. I have always been a very energetic and busy woman, but can't be that way right now.

Because I am recently widowed, I have no other person to care for here at home - but do have a kitty that is wonderful company and needs to have her water and food bowls kept filled and her litter pan cleaned daily. I have her things up on tables so that I don't have to bend to the floor. I have washer and dryer on the same floor here in my own apartment and use the reacher to get wet clothes out of the washer and dry clothes from the dryer. I can manage to get things done but it goes very slowly. I am still using the walker but think might be able to go to the cane before too long. There is no way I can bend down to make the bed, so it goes unmade - but that doesn't bother me. Wearing clean clothes and bathing keeps the bed from getting what one would call "dirty" and it doesn't look all that messy. Besides, I lie down many times during the day. I don't have visitors, so who cares.

If your husband is not willing to pitch in and do household chores that you cannot do for a while yet, you might want to have someone come in daily for an hour or so, and good to have someone in once a week to neaten up the whole place. There is no way, in my opinion, that you can fix regular type meals for him and you - it is hard enough to manage to get your own. If I were you I would get my own meal and let him shift for himself. You cannot wait on him, after the surgery, for quite some time. Let him do his own laundry.

I am just about a month past the surgery (December 12 surgery, and today is January 11) and I am not yet ready to resume my usual household routine even without another person present in my home.

I lie down frequently, walk around the place, sit down at the computer - all to not only do the work and have a little fun, but to change my position frequently - which is important to avoid getting stiff and sore.

If I were you, which I am not, I would do everything I can for myself alone, and your husband will either take care of himself or go without! It sounds like he is not willing to really pitch in to keep things "normal" and/or give you some care and help, so you have to make sure you are taking care of yourself. No discussion necessary, just be sure you get the self care you must have. It is "all about you" at this time and has to be!

Shirley H.

Last edited by Silver Swan; 01-10-2008 at 11:25 PM. Reason: add a word

 
Old 01-15-2008, 07:29 PM   #4
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Tobias HB User
Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

Anyone who criticized me for "sitting at home on my butt" after a hip replacement would, at best, have received a piece of my mind and at worst, no longer would have been my friend.
I can't offer marital advice but I'll suggest a short-term solution: if he won't help you, hire someone who will.

 
Old 01-16-2008, 06:21 AM   #5
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Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

I have no suggestions for you, but having had my hip done this past spring, would like to say that the last thing you need during your recovery is extra stress. You need total focus on the exercises and postive support, if and when you might have a bad day or two. I would take the others advice and bring in outside help around the house, get better and deal with the other issues when you are strong and healthy...

 
Old 01-16-2008, 10:46 AM   #6
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Marie5656 HB User
Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

Hi, I am back. I have not been avoiding the forum, just having alot of bad days with the pain. Not spending alot of time on the computer.
Surgery is a week from tomorrow.
Rick and I have talked and I think we are going to work things out OK.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 10:02 AM   #7
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Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

Marie......

A lot of times, spouses and/or significant others get stressed when one or the other is facing illness/surgery. Instead of rising to the occasion and being supportive, they get angry....mostly because they're worried about how the situation will affect them....being inconvenienced, disruption in normal routines, etc., etc. Too, a lot of it is fear of the unknown. Is it in their nature to be compassionate or empathetic...etc., etc.

I was a caregiver to my husband for almost 10 years before he passed from a dreadful disease....so I kind of have some experience. When it came time for me to have my hips replaced, I was on my own....except for some help from my grown children. Just the way things worked out for me......

Sounds like you've got it together. Remind your husband that this is a temporary situation and ask him how he'd like to be treated if the show were on the other foot. The old "do unto others"........

Best of luck to you,
Linda

 
Old 01-17-2008, 10:03 AM   #8
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Re: Husband starting to have issues with help I will be needing

oooops......meant shoe, of course

 
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