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Old 05-05-2012, 11:52 PM   #1
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What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Hello,
I am writing here because I have no one to talk to about this, and have been driving my family crazy with my emotional behavior since my Lasik surgery.
A little background - had thought about Lasik for years, but never had the nerve to do it. Been in glasses/contacts for about 30 years. Had asked my optometrist years ago if he'd do it - he said no (and I really trust him). Anyone else I asked about it was pleased with their results and recommended doing it. Against my better judgement, booked my consult and surgery dates. Even thought about going to see my eye doctor prior to these visits, but was worried he'd talk me out of it. Big mistake. I figured, I already have most of the side effects - dry eyes, halos at night - how could it be any worse? Day of surgery, I was so nervous and couldn't stop shaking I almost walked out before it was my turn. I'm still kicking myself about this.

I am now 2 weeks post surgery and am having a hard time accepting the decision I made to do this. My results are mixed - started out -5.5 and -6 with mild astigmatism; now have +20/60 in my dominant eye (which is driving me crazy) and 20/40 in other eye. Dominant eye has "residual astigmatism", which means more than before and letters are blurred. So it's hard to read a newpaper, book, etc, even with reading glasses unless I close that eye. I know I'm still early in the process and they'll talk of an enhancement months down the road, but I'm not sure I can go through it again.

My biggest problem with all this is that I didn't trust my gut feeling and this is now something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. What I've now researched online scares me to death. I purposely didn't do much research before or it would have scared me. I am someone who researches everything possible online, but didn't do this because I knew reading about the actual surgery would scare me. And to think that I'll have the rest of my life to freak out about this and worry about everything that could go wrong after the surgery.

It is a constant battle for me during the day to not be depressed or start crying (understand that I was never an overly emotional person before this). Trying to figure out how to accept what I have done and look forward and not back. I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week, as I know I'm dealing with PTSD and depression plus who knows what else. I wake up every night with anxiety attacks, racing heart, sweating, etc. This is no way to be. I keep hoping I'll wake up and find out that this has all been a very bad dream.
**The icing on the cake for me is seeing my daughter in her glasses every morning and knowing I'd give just about anything to go back in time and put my glasses/contacts on again. I just tell her I love her and to not hate her glasses - it could be worse. And to think my worst problem was that my contacts really bugged me during allergy season!

So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself? I know that is important, but not sure how to get there. And how do you keep from sliding into despair every time you see someone in glasses? I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.
Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.

 
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:59 AM   #2
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Mine was not good for 3 weeks or so ,had problems with flap in distant eye, thought I made a mistake to , doc said to hang in there . It's been almost 9 weeks and eyes are great,still a little dry eye buts that's getting better. So hang in there I'm sure it will come.good luck

 
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Old 05-07-2012, 04:18 AM   #3
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badidea View Post
It is a constant battle for me during the day to not be depressed or start crying (understand that I was never an overly emotional person before this). Trying to figure out how to accept what I have done and look forward and not back. I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week, as I know I'm dealing with PTSD and depression plus who knows what else. I wake up every night with anxiety attacks, racing heart, sweating, etc. This is no way to be. I keep hoping I'll wake up and find out that this has all been a very bad dream.
**The icing on the cake for me is seeing my daughter in her glasses every morning and knowing I'd give just about anything to go back in time and put my glasses/contacts on again. I just tell her I love her and to not hate her glasses - it could be worse. And to think my worst problem was that my contacts really bugged me during allergy season!

So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself? I know that is important, but not sure how to get there. And how do you keep from sliding into despair every time you see someone in glasses? I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.
Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.
I am in the same spot as you. I was already on meds and diagnosed with depression and anxious personality disorder preop, and yet they green lighted me for this procedure, pretty higher prescription too -7, which is probably too a risk for perfect outcome. So I wonder what is the point of questions and patient being sincere. I guess I've chosen wrong greedy megalomaniac clinic, maybe some smaller clinic would eliminate me. I blame myself mostly, which ofcourse makes me have suicidal thoughts, sometimes shaking, I just pop some xanax and go to sleep or otherwise I might do something to myself. I am a big computer geek so movies, games all that hobbies and entertainemtn made me calm before and I could occupy my brain. Now I can't watch movies normaly or play something, so I think more about my condition.

So it's interesting how some people from different parts of world end up the same after this procedure. I think you definetly need to see a psychiatrist, get some meds to get calmer, some antidepressants etc. You can wait maybe there is something going to get better or go ask for solutions at different clinics, for more opinions. I can tell my procedure was one year ago, I was crying many nights after it, because i didn't get myself how did I end up doing it. Now i'm a little better, because of meds and come coping, but there are days when I am so angry, well ofcourse, if i can't watch tv nrmally, i makes me remeber why, or drive at night.


Hang on, just go to therapist and get some meds to calm down, then go to everything else. And it might get better, at least something, cause you are only 2 weeks post op.

Last edited by guy448; 05-07-2012 at 04:32 AM.

 
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:25 PM   #4
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badidea View Post
Hello,
I am writing here because I have no one to talk to about this, and have been driving my family crazy with my emotional behavior since my Lasik surgery.
A little background - had thought about Lasik for years, but never had the nerve to do it. Been in glasses/contacts for about 30 years. Had asked my optometrist years ago if he'd do it - he said no (and I really trust him). Anyone else I asked about it was pleased with their results and recommended doing it. Against my better judgement, booked my consult and surgery dates. Even thought about going to see my eye doctor prior to these visits, but was worried he'd talk me out of it. Big mistake. I figured, I already have most of the side effects - dry eyes, halos at night - how could it be any worse? Day of surgery, I was so nervous and couldn't stop shaking I almost walked out before it was my turn. I'm still kicking myself about this.

I am now 2 weeks post surgery and am having a hard time accepting the decision I made to do this. My results are mixed - started out -5.5 and -6 with mild astigmatism; now have +20/60 in my dominant eye (which is driving me crazy) and 20/40 in other eye. Dominant eye has "residual astigmatism", which means more than before and letters are blurred. So it's hard to read a newpaper, book, etc, even with reading glasses unless I close that eye. I know I'm still early in the process and they'll talk of an enhancement months down the road, but I'm not sure I can go through it again.

My biggest problem with all this is that I didn't trust my gut feeling and this is now something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. What I've now researched online scares me to death. I purposely didn't do much research before or it would have scared me. I am someone who researches everything possible online, but didn't do this because I knew reading about the actual surgery would scare me. And to think that I'll have the rest of my life to freak out about this and worry about everything that could go wrong after the surgery.

It is a constant battle for me during the day to not be depressed or start crying (understand that I was never an overly emotional person before this). Trying to figure out how to accept what I have done and look forward and not back. I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week, as I know I'm dealing with PTSD and depression plus who knows what else. I wake up every night with anxiety attacks, racing heart, sweating, etc. This is no way to be. I keep hoping I'll wake up and find out that this has all been a very bad dream.
**The icing on the cake for me is seeing my daughter in her glasses every morning and knowing I'd give just about anything to go back in time and put my glasses/contacts on again. I just tell her I love her and to not hate her glasses - it could be worse. And to think my worst problem was that my contacts really bugged me during allergy season!

So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself? I know that is important, but not sure how to get there. And how do you keep from sliding into despair every time you see someone in glasses? I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.
Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.
My vision is far worse after my lasik - I can't drive in the dark anymore... multiple tail lights and unable to tell which lane anyone in front of me is occupying. You can't beat yourself up over it - it's water under the bridge.
You now have to make a decision whether or not you want the enhancement - I opted not to because my vision declined and if the enhancement fails, I am afraid I could lose my vision altogether. Just beef up on Vitamin A and take good care of your eyes from here on out. Also, I think if you make it a point to see your optometrist on a yearly basis he/she will make you feel more comfortable about your situation.

 
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Old 05-11-2012, 05:33 AM   #5
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

The problem is, sometimes enhancment isn's possible. If some prescription left, and there is tissue to spare then enhancment is possible with its own risks. But If something with edges of flap or blend zone transition, then ehnancment is questionable. And most doctors or clinic say oh no prob we can always do enhancment, but when it is needed, not mayn wanan lift the flap, cut the nw flap again, cuz rhey all know some new risks are involved. Sick procedure sick indeed.

 
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:44 PM   #6
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

I just want to share my story as well. I was going to get married on the 15th of July this year and although my eyes were only -1.25 left and right, I had this stupid idea of wanting to see my husband at the altar from the moment I step into the church. There was nothing wrong with my eyes before and I didn't really need glasses apart from when I had to drive, etc. My job required a lot of up close sights and my eyes were absolutely great for that.

But I had it done anyway, despite the fact that my eyes produced less than 1 mm of tears in 5 minutes.

I don't want to get into how I suffered very much a week after LASIK. The pain and discomfort I had were scary. I couldn't sleep at all for 1 week. But by then, my right eye was improving and I started to feel a bit better. However, my left eye was really bad and the doctor said that he would reopen the flap to wash the epithelium cells off and so he did.

Since then, it has been a week and I have noticed no difference at all. Not better, not worse, not fluctuating. I still couldn't sleep at night because I would have constant nightmares, my heart would be racing and I would wake up sweating. Every morning I wake up and check my vision and nothing has changed. I would get disappointed and fall into deep regret. Sometimes I look at facebook and see how my friends are going out happily and I just break down and cry. My fiancee has been really great, he pushed the wedding date to the 21st (I can't imagine how he managed to do that with the caterers, the guests, etc.) as to give me one more week to heal. The thing is, I'm not sure I will heal at all and I can't do an enhancement because I'm going to be working in another country 3.5 weeks. Every time I speak to him on the phone, all I can talk about is my eye. I am supposed to be looking forward to my wedding, but I'm not anymore. I find it unbearable to talk to him because it just reminds me of the life I could've had, had I not have LASIK. We now have broken up, 3 weeks before our wedding because I can't seem to carry on with my life. I wake up thinking about my eye, I spend the days and nights checking my eye and I go to bed having nightmares about my eye. I don't enjoy listening to music, watching movies, seeing my friends, etc. anymore. I can't seem to have anything else in my life apart from my eye.

Often, I think about just ending my life. I now live my mom who is struggling with her well-being as well. She cooks for me, she takes care of me and I rely on her for everything. I want to get up and continue my life, but every time I made that decision, it would only last for 2 minutes and then I would fall back into depression.

My only entertainment right now is designing a plan to kill myself so that it will be quick and painless, and yet will send a message to my surgeon.

 
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Old 07-01-2012, 10:22 PM   #7
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

It is weird that you had painful experience after it for one week, that could be because of dry eyes. You really ned a lawyer on this if your doctor pushed you as candidate even though you had really dry eyes before. Don't think about suicide, get help and talk, will hurt these doctors and industry more if you are alive and talk to world. You are not to be blamed, your doctors is the one for blaming. Their jos was to examine you, to see what you want, what do you expect and how stable of a person you are for this procedure, their job was to disqualify you if you werent perfect candidate. To tell you all the problems you can expect. They act like you came to replace some tires on your car, so if you got wrong ones, you will replace. Not like they are doing serious procedure on human being which affects them, their life and lives of their families.
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LASIK is an unnecessary surgical procedure that carries risk to the organ through which we get 80% of our information.

 
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Old 08-26-2012, 06:40 PM   #8
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

I don't really have a whole lot to add to what everyone else has said, except that I sometimes feel the exact same way. A big "what in the world have I DONE?" feeling. I just try to remind myself that I was probably going to live a life of regret either way -- regret over getting LASIK, or regret over not getting it and never knowing if I could have been one of the success stories. I try to remind myself that my vision isn't perfect, but nothing else in my life has changed. I still have my other senses, still have my family/friends/dogs, there's more to enjoy than just what I can see. (Yeah, I'm having a remarkably optimistic day, considering it's been a "bad vision" day haha.)

Good luck and I hope you feel better!

 
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Old 08-27-2012, 03:40 PM   #9
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Casey, that's a great attitude! I still harbor a great resentment and real and anger towards my O.D. who referred me. I have to pass his place of business every day too. But while that lingers that " what did I do , my life is finished" attitude has diminished somewhat coming up on 2 years in October. I figured out that I can function , albeit not happy with what I'm seeing , but able to at least work.

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:19 PM   #10
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Hi, thanks so much for sharing that. I'm going through exactly the same thing: self-blame for doing this to myself without doing enough research or ignoring the nay-sayers, deep depression, uncontrolled crying. I remember after the surgery saying "What have I done?" and longing for my old eyes back. I was waking up in a sweat with a racing heart just like you.

It's now 2 1/2 weeks and my eyes have gotten slightly better but the loss of my ability to see near still causes me to feel some of those same feelings but it is getting somewhat better.

What has helped is that I got new glasses (distance and computer) so that I could at least experience sharp vision. I also have about 6 pair of readers for various conditions! I know now that I made a bad decision I also know that I can still see fine albeit with glasses. I also had lunch with a good friend yesterday who has type 1 diabetes with glands that are deteriorating and was amazed at her joy to be alive with problems which make mine and yours seem so tiny.

My advice is:

1. Get cheap glasses so you can see for the time being. The prescription will change over the next weeks and months which is why I got cheap ones.

2. Know that your vision will change (it's still early and the swelling needs to subside) and it could very well get better.

3. Concentrate on the positives. A friend gave me this advice many years ago: when you go to bed think of 10 good things that happened during the day. At first I couldn't find 10 good things but I soon found myself thinking about small things: a nice smile from someone, a helpful friend, and so on. It really helps change the way you feel when you wake up.

What helped me the most was knowing that I could correct it with glasses. Okay, it was a mistake but it also forced me to appreciate life and friends and so many other wonderful things which I was too busy to see before.

But remember, you are still early in the process and it will most likely get better. So many have reported being depressed in the first weeks and then things got better. It's not uncommon for it to take months.

Hang in there! You are not alone in this.

Dave

Last edited by david590; 11-17-2012 at 11:23 PM. Reason: Added a sentence.

 
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:12 PM   #11
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What happened to the op

It has been months since the original post. It would be great to get an update. We all hope things have improved. I see so many posts from people who are really unhappy a week or two that don't have a follow up. I always hope that things resolve.

I just did epi-lasik and thought I would offer three thoughts to people who read this:
- by all means please do the research and get more than one docs opinion.
- consider epi-lasik rather than traditional lasik. It has a lower risk profile for dry eyes, halos, etc. IT TAKES LONGER TO HEAL so be aware of that but the final result is statistically better because there is no flap, etc.
- definitely consider doing one eye at a time. The instant gratification of doing both eyes with traditional lasik and walking out the door seeing great would be really neat (and we have all heard those stories) but you live with those eyes for the rest of your life. Especially with epi or prk where full recovery could be a month or two, doing one eye and waiting until you are comfortable with the outcome is great insurance in my opinion.

I sincerely hope the OP has recovered. it would be great to hear an update.

Greg

 
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Old 06-04-2013, 12:05 AM   #12
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Re: What was I thinking?? What do I do now?

Hello friend hope every thing fine. I am new here and i want to connect this forum. This is great resource to share your think and connect the every person of the world.

Last edited by johnfred01; 06-04-2013 at 12:14 AM. Reason: some mistake

 
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