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Old 07-07-2006, 11:59 PM   #1
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TINUVIEL HB User
Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hi,

Much as I hate to kvetch I am just fuming and need a place to vent where people understand.

My mother is being the queen-of-all-b**ches once again. I made the mistake of hoping for a bit of support and expressed some concerns over this illness and getting treatment, etc. and wanted someone to talk to and and she just got really nasty and was saying "well that's your problem" and refusing to even talk about it. This is after I spent hours and days with her in the hospital and out of it when she got ill because of her smoking. But now she denies I did anything for her, even though others often remark how lucky she is to have my help. I truly hate her guts. She was abusive and drunk and nasty the whole time my brother and I were growing up, now she lives the behavior without the substance.

She still spends hours looking up info about treatments for a disease my brother died of years ago but will have nothing to do with Lyme, dosen't care. And to top it off my father decided to clean out the basement and throw away half my stuff, all the mementoes and things I've collected my entire life. I hate him too, he was so abusive when I was growing up that we were taken away by the authorities. If there was any possible way I could leave here and still manage I'd be gone so fast it would suck the paint off the walls!

I have no other family to speak of. I guess the sad part is I am having to come to the realization that they are just toxic people, they don't care about me, they are not capapble of caring about me or anyone, and they never will. Not only that, they are toxic to be around. I guess on some level I had held onto a misguided hope that somehow they really did love me but I am now having to face the reality that they do not, never did, and never will. Honestly, it feels like a death, and it is in a way. I've just been going around crying and smashing things, I just can't take it anymore, I am ready to go insane. All the anger over the years of abuse I endured growing up is just coming pouring out after years of being stuffed and crammed down and surpressed.

I really do not need this stress right now (or ever for that matter) but I suppose it is good in a way in that anything is better than keeping it surpressed, (which I understand is a key factor in many diseases, such as cancer). I've got "friends" trying to be imposing now too, when they know I've been ill, that makes me really mad too. Basically I've had enough, I've bloody well had it, I've had it with people abusing me and walking on me. Sod them all.

 
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Old 07-08-2006, 01:47 AM   #2
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KCLyme HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hi Tinuviel,

Sounds like a good Lyme Rage episode to me! (Don't worry, I speak from experience. I never said the word hate out loud about anyone pre-Lyme, but then couldn't seem to stop thinking it about one particular person even though I believe it is wrong.)

Your feelings and thought processes sound very logical. Just try to remember that the Lyme magnifies them like crazy and makes you obsess over things instead of moving on.

Your parents sound less than ideal, but you should probably feel sorry for them more than anything. It sounds like they are less capable of expressing and experiencing positive feelings than you are. I bet they do love you to whatever depth they are capable---that just may be too shallow to match your idea of what love should be. Be thankful you are capable of being more caring and showing it, and remember that your entire life won't be so oriented around your parents.

I absolutely agree it is better to express your feelings rather than bottle them up. I've been in a similar situation where I felt like all circumstances were aligned against me--including demands from friends. Sometimes you need to do what feels best for you; sometimes doing what others want will feel better than you thought it would.

Hang in there. This too will pass---hopefully sooner rather than later if your treatment is underway. Try to focus on one big problem at a time (Lyme for now); knowing that then you will move on to the next (maybe formulating a plan to move out?). I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason even though it sometimes takes a lot longer than I would like for me to be made aware of it.

Hope that helps a bit!

P.S. "Sod them all" is a new turn of phrase for me. Very colorful; sounds quite British actually, but somehow the "kvetch" doesn't quite support that.

Last edited by KCLyme; 07-08-2006 at 02:00 AM.

 
Old 07-08-2006, 05:28 AM   #3
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Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Tinuviel, my heart breaks for you, you are in such a painful situation and it seems like there is no easy way out right now. I'm sorry you have toxic parents, you didn't choose them, you just got born to them and you can't change that. They aren't good parents, probably because they also didn't have good parents, but none of that is your fault. Unfortunately, every single human being has the innate desire programmed into them to get acceptance and love from their parents, especially from their mom. Your mom doesn't have the capability to give you that and now you suffer because of it. Really, it doesn't matter how old a person is, we always carry that desire to have an agreeable relationship with our moms. That's why you helped her when she was sick even though she's been terrible to you most of your life.

You can't control your mom's attitudes or behavior, which I'm sure you know because if you could you would have changed her a long time ago. I hope you find ways to protect your heart and your mind from her and still be able to be healthy in your own thoughts and actions toward people and toward yourself. Don't carry on this legacy of pain into your generation too.

I recently read a book called "How to Stop the Pain" by James B. Richards. It talks about just exactly what you are dealing with and it is an amazingly insightful and helpful book. If you can get your hands on it, I think it will lift your spirits.

Having stress and family pain while trying to deal with lyme is so difficult. You have a double whammy there. I'll be praying for you.

 
Old 07-08-2006, 12:28 PM   #4
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TINUVIEL HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hi,

sleeperwoken,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are so right, no matter what stage in life you are at one never gives up that hope for love and acceptance from one's parents, that seems to be a universal theme. And quite right, it is something she is just not capable of giving. Letting go of that unrealistic hope, accepting the fact that I will never get that from them, and to stop trying is what therapists have tried to get me to do for years to heal and move on. But it really is a grieving process because in a way it is like a death, that is the depth of the loss. Thank you for your prayers.

KCLyme,

No, this is NOT a "Lyme rage", although I am well aware of Lyme's mental/emotinal affects on the brain. And no, in this case it is absolutely NOT a matter of them being "exagerated" or "magnified". This is a situation that goes back long before Lyme, though I've had it for many years.

I am in my middle thirties and am stuck here due to the illness, certainly I will be gone as soon as my health circumstances allows. And unfortunately, the fact is that there are parents who do NOT love their kids for whatever reason, sad but true. Yes, I am aware that they have their own issues and cannot give what they are unable to give, everyone has their reasons. But whatever excuses or rationalization people can come up with for the behavior of such individuals, their behavior is still an obscenity.

I am well aware that it can feel good to do things for others and do so as I am able. I am NOT a selfish person, this situation is about saying "no" to people making unreasonable demands rather than jeopardize my health. Being a martyr and running yourself into the ground is not "virtuous", it serves no one.

As far as "kvetch" being incongruous with a British term, FYI Jews have been in England for centuries. Surely you realize Benjamin Disraeli, with a name like that, was of Jewish extraction?

 
Old 07-08-2006, 04:02 PM   #5
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outinthe_woods HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hey there, Tinuviel!

Ahhh, the relationships and responsibilities of family! Remember that you're healing and have to watch out for yourself! Try drawing your lines for both when you're feeling a little stronger. Depleting your strength with crashing out your own place will only make it worse for you in the long run.....You'll have to replace "stuff"....

Gentle Hugs and lots of understanding and support headed your way. Treat yourself kindly! Only you (and us) know how much YOU need TLC!

 
Old 07-08-2006, 04:02 PM   #6
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outinthe_woods HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hey there, Tinuviel!

Ahhh, the relationships and responsibilities of family! Remember that you're healing and have to watch out for yourself! Try drawing your lines for both when you're feeling a little stronger. Depleting your strength with crashing out your own place will only make it worse for you in the long run.....You'll have to replace "stuff"....

Gentle Hugs and lots of understanding and support headed your way. Treat yourself kindly! Only you (and us) know how much YOU need TLC!

 
Old 07-08-2006, 06:14 PM   #7
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6Blues HB User6Blues HB User6Blues HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Oh Tinuveil - I feel for you.

Families can be trying, dysfunctional and hurtful even when we're healthy, but to have that crap when you're sick -- well thats a down right sin.

I have similiar problems, though I don't have to live with my family.

Perhaps there's a small, nice gentle thing you can do for yourself. Try to treat yourself as you would a friend.

And come here anytime to vent and call people any names you want! Heaven knows we all need to do that.

Glad you got it off your chest, for now. I hope things settle down for you.

I hope you're safe. I'll say a prayer for your peace and serenity.


 
Old 07-08-2006, 07:20 PM   #8
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KCLyme HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Tinuviel,

There was no negative intent toward you in ANY of my comments.

Good luck!



P.S. Perhaps I should have said English (as in Olde) rather than British. I am well aware Jews reside in Britain.

Last edited by KCLyme; 07-08-2006 at 07:52 PM.

 
Old 07-09-2006, 10:53 AM   #9
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battling on HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

HI tinuvel
It has to be about you, no matter what you have to do to get the peace inside. If you dont look out for you it sounds lik no one else will.

Im lucky to have an almost free life of family, but when i get ill and step backwards it is normally due to interaction with them!

I have been to a point where i was so ill, i was so sick of people an dtehre uncaring ways and expectatoions of me when i couldnt even stand up. that i would have gone to live in a caravan in the middle of a field.

I figured if i had no support and help then what woudl be teh difference, teh difference was that i would not have had to think about anyone else and mentally i would of had freedom.

My abuse stems back many years physical and mental, and i found when lyme was bad lats year it all came to a peak. It made me take action and now i will not be hurt, used or neglected. Also every time i did need someone i was made to know it and pay for it 10 times over, which is hurtfull as theres nothing i wouldn't do to help a person in pain.

Im so sorry you are stuck in the position you are.
Im wishing you much strength and a chance to break away as soon as possible.

as there is nothing worse than not being alone, and being! alone. it makes it worse.
HUgsxxx
jules xx

Last edited by battling on; 07-09-2006 at 10:55 AM.

 
Old 07-12-2006, 06:14 PM   #10
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TINUVIEL HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Hi,

Thanks for all the support and understanding.

Things have been so rough around here, I've thought I was literally going out of my mind from it. I really do try to keep a positive outlook and try to stay positive about the whole situation, but it can be so painful when the people who should be there for you more than anyone else let you down.

It was a foolish thing for me to have expected any different when time and time again she has demonstrated through her actions that she is only for herself. I should have known better so I don't know why I'm so surprised, but the callousness she has shown me during this is just shocking.

 
Old 07-12-2006, 07:27 PM   #11
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Pearlscale HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Just because someone can be a mother doesn't mean she would be a good mother. I'm so sorry for you. And I can understand where youre coming from. My Mom use to say, she wished she had been born a man, so she wouldn't have had all of us kids. Another of her favorite sayings was, do as I say not as I do...That says it all. I worked hard to be a loving and caring Mom. I'm sure youre a better person because of what you have had to endure.
Prayers....Marsha

Last edited by Pearlscale; 07-12-2006 at 07:28 PM.

 
Old 07-16-2006, 07:50 PM   #12
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earle HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

ah tin honey, i really do symphasize (sorry for spelling) with you. i too, grew up in a tremendously abusive home. it was my mother, however, who protected the four of us from our father. my older sisters took most of the beatings however. we all suffered from broken noses, bones, etc. one time my sister was beat with the end of a garden hose so bad that she had deep gouges in her back and was black from the neck down. so i understand. mom always told us tho never to have kids cause if it hadn't been for us, she could have left him. nice huh?

so go ahead and rant. i disagree, mate, that you can call it a lyme rage. i have found that lyme only causes you to voice what is in your head and you are more prone to blurt out your true feelings instead of suppressing them. hmm, maybe i can use this the next time my hubbie is being a horses but.

i don't know your situation but if you can, you need to move out as soon as possible. i truly believe you need to put distance between yourself and them and then, and only then, can you be objective and move on. any continuing interaction with them only makes it worse.

i'll probably take such flake on this but believe me, i've never forgiven my father and i'm now 57. all of us girls are screwed up in some way. we each suffered and handled it differently and now we are all dysfunctional in some way and all our marriages have suffered because of it.

so most importantly, express yourself, and get the h___ away from that situation as soon as you can.

ok, now i'm fair game..........

 
Old 07-16-2006, 11:51 PM   #13
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TINUVIEL HB User
Re: Rant - Family Driving Me Mad!

Quote:
i'll probably take such flake on this but believe me, i've never forgiven my father and i'm now 57.
Quote:
ok, now i'm fair game..........
Hi earle,

No, I don't think that makes you fair game at all. People deal with abuse in many ways and all do the best they can and deal with it as well as they can. No one can be in someone else's shoes and experience what they've gone through and therefore no one else is in any position to judge you. So sorry you and your sisters had to go through such horror. Tragically, I've heard stories like that from too many people. Hope you have found at least some peace, and thanks for your support.

Last edited by TINUVIEL; 07-16-2006 at 11:52 PM.

 
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