Rough Emotional Day/ need to vent - Lyme Disease Message Board

Pearlscale · 07-25-2006, 09:26 PM

Iam trying to help my Aunt age 80. I went to pick her up to take her to cemetery to put flowers on her babies graves. This was planned. All I have heard for months, no one would take her. No one cared. So I called her last night and told her thats what we would do today. When I got there she felt to sick to go. She was Jeckel and Hyde

the whole time I was there.

I knew she had bills to pay, so I suggested I write a check from my checking and she could pay me back when she got her check. She said NO. I ask why that wouldn't work. She screamed at me, I SAID NO N. O. Didn't I understand no.

For 3 hours it was this way. I prayed for patience more than once. She needs help, but I'm not sure she will accept mine. I do have all the papers signed that give me right to handle her account, I just have to figure how without the drama.

Today she was spiteful out to find fault with whatever I did or said.

I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.
Your are all my friends. and I appreciate each of you more than you could ever know.

I am emotionally spent. I know stress is not good and we should avoid it. She has always been a complainer but not this bad. She lives about 25 minutes from me, other side of the county. So I can't just pop in. There is no one else that can help. or no one that will.

Prayers....Marsha

slowdeath · 07-25-2006, 09:29 PM

heres a big hug for you marsha - and tomorow WILL be a better day.

srocc20655 · 07-26-2006, 07:16 AM

Marsha, You did your best to be kind to her. We have to learn not to take this stuff personally. Stress is so bad for us - I know it always increases my symptoms. Hang in there and try to relax. It does help to vent. We are there for you. SROCC20655

janetclarkson · 07-26-2006, 07:40 AM

Marsha,

I echo that sentiment. You cannot do more than your best. The drive alone must have been hard for you and you had been willing to carry out her wishes when your own energy resources are in short supply.

I have had a plentiful supply of elderly relatives and I am convinced that a lot of the time when they are wanting things doing for them, all they really want is company and they think that no-one will visit unless they have a specific purpose.

One great aunt of mine had four different nieces doing grocery shopping for her on different days of the week. It could all have been done at the same time, but this way she got regular visits (they probably would have visited anyway, but this way she got a routine going).

I think that a lot of the anger they sometimes express is down to frustration at knowing that the best years are behind them, failing health, dependancy and not being able to do all the things they used to. I think that we can all sympathize with some of this! In a person who was bad-tempered to start with, it makes the situation even worse.

The bad tempers drive people away - the loneliness increases.

You are dealing with a no-win situation. Give her your company and sympathy when you can and ignore the ill humour. I people are determined to be grumpy you can't stop them. You will have done your best by her and can do no more.

I don't know how the financial things work in the USA. Don't you have to get some kind of legal action taken, with the backing of her doctor, so that you can handle her finances for her?

Hope you are feeling calmer and more peaceful.

Lots of love

Janet

6Blues · 07-26-2006, 07:41 AM

Dear Marsha,

I am so sorry to hear that your visit didn't go as planned.

Sometimes as we age, our emotions and behavior age also. My dad currently acts like a 5 year old. I am not being sarcastic - its the truth. He says things that I cannot believe, but there it is - coming right out of his mouth. He is 80 yrs old.

As my parents' age, the world scares them. The tiniest thing will get them into a tizzy. Its not their fault per se, but it does hurt when they treat me like crap when I try to help them.

My mom had quad by-pass. I hired a house cleaner to go to their house so they could focus on her recovery and not the dirty toilet seat. I'm a single mom and this wasn't cheap. Nice thing of me to do, right?

Well, it wasn't. I got screamed at for hiring a stranger to go into their home. My dad yelled at me so badly that I decided to distance myself a bit from their personal lives.

Something about getting older, seems to slant their views on reality.

Ok, enough with the excuses for the old folks - back to you

You cannot allow that to happen again. You've been through the ringer with your treatmtent and you need to concentrate on #1 - yourself. This is your Aunt and you love her, but you have to distance yourself. She may not be aware that she's treating you badly. In her little old lady mind, she's protecting herself and something is scaring her.

It would kill me to know that I had an elderly relative close by that needed my help (my parents). It hurts and I feel GUILTY but I do stay away a bit.

If I get screamed at again (even though they may not be aware of what they are saying), I will take it personally and maybe yell back.

If she has a phone, call her and check on her.

Pack a grocery bag with stuff she may need and drop it off, but don't stay.

Call her and tell her that you can place flowers on her babies graves (how sad for her to have lost children), but that you cannot take her personally.

If she goes to church or synagogue, you can all them and ask that they help with her bills. There are free services out there to help the elderly do the monthly bills. I can't recall the name of it now - sry.

I would also think twice about legally taking control of her money. It would mean daily contact. Thats a good thing - but NOT if its upsetting you during your recovery.

You will be able to do more for her and tolerate her elderly ways much better when you are stronger.

Please take care of yourself and place your Aunt in God's hands.

I will pray for both of you.