I decided to check myself into a hospital and remained there for about a week.
It was a first for me. I was expecting a nice room with a TV and 24 hour support, maybe a counselor or someone to stay by my side through the first couple of days.
I was shocked to be stripped of my clothes and placed into a locked until. My room was completely bare, no phone, pictures, equipment- nothing but a cot on a wooden frame. There were a lot of scary people there who really need to be hospitalized. I was transferred out into a more open area the next day which made a huge difference, but only for half of the next day.
They wouldnít allow me to take the Oleda veggie caps and I couldn't take the aminos I brought with me either. Most of the staff was extremely compassionate, but there is always that "one" unfortunately.
While I was in the hospital, I decided to take myself off of the anti depressant and started to feel better almost immediately. Not happy, but not in deep helpless despair. I found myself desperately wanting my freedom back and wanting to go home to see my kids and mow the lawn. The staff wanted to keep me there longer. I found myself feeling extremely isolated and felt lucky that I was not like many of the other people stranded there for long periods of time.
The only way they would let me leave was to contact my wife and have her come in for a meeting. She was away on business and I did not want her to know how low I was, that I needed to check myself into the hospital. I had no choice though and I felt so pathetic to sit there unshaven and in soiled clothes while she sat across from me looking like a runway model.
She is away on business again this week and my kids are spending the week with my in-laws at their beach house. I have made a lot of improvement though, typically this would be my most difficult time, but I managed to get myself back into the gym this morning. I drove about an hour to see my mother tonight, she has been wonderful with support and helping me see that god or our higher power cannot control the decisions "we" make, but that power can eventually correct them and make them better. She gave me a couple of really good examples including the man she found just as she was diagnosed with cancer. My father would never have been able to take care of her the way he has. This man came out of no where, she met him while playing an online video game. All of us (her children) were very much against him moving in and he did suffer in the beginning.
I've really learned over the past month that it's ok to lean on people for help and that most not only don't mind, they enjoy it. You can really pick out the people who have experienced loss right away just by listening to them or seeing their reaction when you speak about yours. It is a connection I've gone 35 years without ever even knowing existed. It's making me a much better person and I know now how much people really need each other and how important compassion really is. How it can be used every day in many ways I never considered.
I've finally cracked my wifeís shell and I think she is finally starting to think a little bit. She is finally starting to lose some sleep and at least itís something to give me some kind of closure. She will definitely need this divorce to grow and realize she is not really escaping anything and that is why I'm going to let her have it without a fight. It's very, very hard.
I am heading back to work next Wed. I have been out of work since Memorial Day weekend. Today I drove past a tree with some yellow and orange leaves on it. I realized, I've missed the entire summer. It was a strange feeling. I look forward to someday being able to enjoy the stages of summer again. Itís hard to imagine of course.
Hi IML....SOOOOOOOOO very happy to hear that you are back on track...my heart breaks knowing you had to go through what you did...I almost got commited a few times myself...just want you to know that one day it will be better...you sound like your a fighter and I am sure you will find the strenght to get through all of this craziness....
Hi Itsmylife, I love it that you changed your name. That's awesome. Your post is awesome too, I can tell that your different in a lot of ways. Life has a way of teaching us things. I hope your wife has some changes someday too, she sounds a little coldhearted, but I don't know her.
I think you're right about needing people and letting it be okay. We are sometimes taught not to do that or that it's weak if you do, but that's just pride. Pride separates you from having that kind of connection with people, but chronic illness creates a healthy humility and reminds us that we aren't machine, we're people with hearts and souls.
A few years ago, a girl I know who was 13 at the time (who had bad parents but a lot of church support which she rejected), was committed to the ward of Waterbury Hospital and I went to visit her. She said, "everyone says I'm doing this for attention." I told her, "You are doing it for attention. You are thirteen years old and you don't have anyone. You need attention and love just like everyone. I need attention too, I'm a human being and so are you. Why are people saying that in a bad way, that you need attention?! Needing the attention of others is natural. Just say it, say 'I need the attention and love of other people and I know it." She came out of there about a week later and she finally let people love her, it was a beautiful thing.
Anyway, is tomorrow your first day back to work? I'll be thinking of you.
Hi itsmylife! It's wonderful to see that you are getting back on track! There is alot to be learned from negative experiences-seems you came out of this stronger and wiser! Your mom sounds like a terrific woman-always listen to your mother!!
You are in my prayers and I hope you continue to do well. We are always out here for you!