Thanks guys for the support. You truly are angels on earth
I know how much we all lost from this insidious, senseless disease. I know how much we suffer. I also know that sharing our experiences with each other can help. I appreciate that folks here are honest and share thier stories of thier struggle.
I am SO LUCKY to have my job so that I can work from home, sitting in bed, allowing me to keep my house and pay my bills. I am also lucky that my kids are a bit older and able to get themselves out in the mornings and feed themselves and do laundry and homework.
I am lucky that Lyme seems to be (at least for the moment) the only thing wrong with my body. I am also lucky that I have a great LLMD within 15 miles of my house.
Sometimes I feel the pang of guilt when I complain as I know that many here have it/had it worse than I do.
But I still have a long way to recover and I am so darned tired. Today, I'm still down; still crying; still feeling like moldy oatmeal - sluggish and slow and rotting.
I've thought hard about the root cause for my deep blues; it's not jealousy, loneliness, money problems or regret. Maybe it's mourning? Maybe it's anger at having to accept that this may be as good as it gets?
I called Dr. E's office and she recommended Dr. B in Red Bank, NJ. I called his office and checked his web site. New patient visit is one hour and cost $375. Subsequent visits are $70. First available appointment is about a month away.
I told them I'd think about it. Boy - that's a lot of money!! Maybe I'll submit the receipt to my insurance company to see if they'd reimburse me.
I will make an appointment with Dr. B but it will have to wait for a good pay day.
I guess I don't grasp what you guys mean when you talk about acceptance and attitude. I don't feel "okay" about my treatment, I don't accept that I'm doing all I can; I always thought I'd get to being myself someday. That was my goal - to get back to woman I used to be. I feel like I'm on hold. I feel like I was on the phone, talking with the world, then it put me on hold and it hasn't picked up yet.
I don't feel connected with nature and the universe like I used to. I don't feel connected to God like I used to. I don't feel like I'm living with purpose like I used to. I don't feel the thrill of being alive like I used to. I don't feel part of the world. I don't feel like a contributing, socializing, living breathing human like I used to.
Hmmm (red flag), that's an awful lot of "used to's". Am I mourning? Grieving?
I was fighting it. I was. Even when I didn't want to, I forced myself to fight this disease. Lyme can't last forever, right?
I am so drained. Just really really tired inside. I know I have a lot on my plate (kids, house, job, etc), but I used to thrive on it - really really loved my life.
All the things I had to arrange each day, the high pressure job, the kids, daily lunches, class trips, the house I was fixing up all on my own, the dog (oh how I miss her!!) .... I used to love it . I felt like I was surfing.
Now I look at myself and I don't recognize who I see; physically and otherwise. I hope Dr. B can help me. I will keep folks posted.
Love and peace and health to all.
Mickie
