6Blues

Argh maties. Prepare to come about and make way! Trim the jib, batten the mainsheet, jibe ho!

You are now friends with a certified keelboat captain. I can't believe I actually did it.

Thank you for asking about me ... so many times I started a thread, but * had to quit because I was tired or hurting or had no energy.

It was so scary for me to think of doing something so 'normal' and fun, I was praying for a storm to blow in so we'd have to cancel the sailing lessons.

The guy-friend who paid for the lessons was not suppportive in any way whatsoever.

I guess he couldn't handle knowing that I was still sick and had a PICC line so he avoided the topic and pretended everything was fine. I brought a camera and asked him to take a picture of me, but he didn't. So I in turn pretended he was just a stranger and that my lessons were semi-private - ha! - he can go spit in his fist.

I was going to squeeze every moment of joy out of that weekend and I was certainly not going to let some selfish poop-head person ruin it for me.

It was hard work - I told the instructor about my PICC and that I had no sense of balance. He was impressed in how well I was able to move around the boat (21' of boat by the way!) and remember the names of things.

My first day, I caught a good breeze and I had that sailboat moving at a pretty good clip - heeled over really far (heeling is when the boat tips toward it's side)!! I felt alive. Elated. Joyous. All I could do was laugh and cry at the same time.

I had on so many water proof layers that I was sweating like a pig. During a break, I had to take off the mid-arm protector - it had a lot of perspiration in it. A woman noticed it and asked about it so I told her.

She said her nephew had a PICC in for about to fight Lyme. I told her that I was doing the same thing.

Her jaw flapped open and she almost started to cry - she could not believe how brave I was to be out there - sailing with an IV in my arm. I teared up too - it was so nice to hear someone acknowledge my fear & courage.

That night when I got home, I was already sore. Every muscle in my body was screaming. I also noticed a small almost tiny bit of blood in the line. Scared the wits out of me.

I cried so much that night. It was tears of joy and relief and anger and happiness and elation and excitement and ... everything.

The next morning was impossible to get out of bed - but somehow I did. I was so sore I was limping - but I was determined that nothing was gonna keep me from being on the water again.

Somehow I made it through the 2nd day, then I had to take a 100 question test ... and I got a 97! Holy cow!

The guy-friend I was with was so stand-off-ish, that I wanted to pay for my lessons so that we were even-steven and I was not in his debt. So I bought him a $500 gift certificate to the sailing school (I figured that would cover the cost of my lessons).

When I handed him the gift certificate, I started to cry (happy tears) but instead of patting me on the back or giving me a hug --- he said "Now don't go soft on me."

What the heck was that supposed to mean?!?!? I shouldn't act human? I should be like Superwoman? I can't "feel"? I can't hurt or feel pain? I can't feel alive for the first time in 2 or 3 years and cry out of joy?

I was so shocked by his words that I mumbled something and walked quickly to my truck and went straight home. jerk. What a stupid insensitive jerk!

I would never treat someone that way or say something so callous.

Why do people see me as inhuman? Why can't just one person (other than you all) show the smallest amount of compassion? jeez! No wonder I feel so cynical.

Anyhow, I passed the test, I am a certified sailboat captain of any keelboat under 23'.

I can't believe I did it. I think I am still in shock. I cried a lot that weekend - mostly from joy.

It took about a week for the soreness to go away. I still have 4-6 hours of free sailing time to use. I don't know when I'll use it.

In hindsight, it was too much physically and emotionally. I don't know why it came to be that this opportunity fell in my lap - but it did, so I have no regrets.

I've been on quite a roller-coaster with this PICC:
I am breaking out in big weird spots all over (they look just like bruises) and it's unsettling, I have days when I can't keep my eyes open, and nights where I can't sleep no matter how many pills I take. I had a few days where that buzzy/adrenaline feeling was so bad - I pinched my arm just to take my mind off it. I run fevers everyday and have aches & pains.

My nurse says everything is fine and so does Dr. E. My PICC spot, my blood pressure, my blood sugar, my liver enzymes, my cholesterol, platelets, white cell count --- everything is fine --- except I feel just awful.

Deciding to get this PICC gave me some hope - so I haven't wanted to die lately. I guess that's good news.

So ... anyone up for a sailing trip? Just call me Captain McBlues!

Peace and health and smooth sailing to all. Love you guys!
Mickie