6Blues

Rodney, will you either stop reading my mind or get healed and stop posting here?

I'm only kidding hon - would never want you to leave this place!

I may be alone on this one ... but I absolutely HATE it when people tell me that I'm "strong".

I'm not strong. There is NO difference between me and the next person other than the fact that I did what needed to be done. I'm not special, I'm not made of anything different.

A few months ago I was on the phone with my mom and she said, that out of her 5 kids that I was "the strong one". What on earth does that mean??

I guess my feelings go in cycles:
- I feel sick but I deal with it
- But dealing with it doesn't make it better
- I lie in bed and wonder "why me?"
- I feel depressed when I realize that it's just random bad luck that the tick bit me
- I resolve to put mind over matter and will myself to fight this
- Willing myself to fight this doesn't work
- I feel total despair that this is what I feel like for the rest of my life and I want to give up, get my kids through college, then kill myself
- I get out of suicide mode and I feel sick but I deal with it
- But dealing with it doesn't make it better

I don't mean to be a downer, just honest about how I feel.

I cannot fathom why some of my friends and family have detached themselves from me in my hour of need ... I was such a nice, generous person to them.

I know, I know - I shouldn't do things for others if I expect something in return. At the time I didn't expect anything in return. But now ... well ... I guess I always thought that the seeds I had sown would come back and feed my soul.

I also wonder, if I lived my life to be such a nice person, why did this crap happen to me?!?!?

I worked hard to get the fit and healthy body that I had and it was taken away.

I loved dancing; the music flowed through me and I moved like no one moved; people stood around the floor to watch me, and that was taken away.

I loved the beach. Being where the land met the ocean made me feel so peaceful. How big could my troubles seem big when I was standing at the edge of a continent gazing and walking next to something so much bigger than myself? I went with my kids and dog to watch moon rises and planets rises and eclipses and metoer showers. If I was in a bad mood, a walk on my beach healed me. I went there winter, summer, spring and fall but it was taken away from me.

I know I'm sound like I'm sitting on the pity pot ... but how does one get a "positive" attitude? Beats me.

Thanks for posting this Rodney; it got me thinking. Wish we could meet over a cup of joe and just chat.

Peace and health to you,
Mickie