Really in trouble...tell me if my life sounds like yours. It will help
So can't seem to get the proper medical help i need. I know something is so beyond wrong but no one knows or seems to be able to find out how. I am very seriously considering suicide because I am suffering so terribly, and no, I am not going to tell someone because this will lead to me being locked in a psych ward where i will receive crappy routine crisis counseling, followed by being caged like an animal without anyone trying to really find out what's wrong so they can help me. I've tried the mental health system. There's no help there. So anyway the point is I am going to give a brief description of what I've been experiencing and if it sounds anything like what you have been through, I just need the confirmation that I'm not stark-raving mad and trapped in some odd dimension of reality.
So basically, hospitalized when i was 13 for "depression, self-harm, anxiety". I don't remember the majority of my life. Have never experienced full out amnesia or blackouts, though I never feel real or like anything is real or like my life really happened. I have severe identity problems, my opinions, feelings, interests etc. change often. Have frequently occurring rapidly cycling alternation of moods between suicidal, sad, angry, scared to death, disturbed, apathetic and numb, happy and hopeful and confident. Physically I am often tired, experience back pain, neck pain, muscle twitches, numbness, tingling, and lately have been experiencing crippling headaches and uncomfortable pressure in my head mainly in the right side of my brain, also pain in the eyes. I often don't recognize my face in the mirror, have rapidly changing affect and often find myself doing and saying things without knowing why I'm doing them. Have suspected Lyme disease, currently diagnosed with OCD, centering around sexual obsessions, manifesting as phobias, and borderline personality disorder. I just feel very odd and not right in a way I can't describe the majority of the time. It's like nothing feels good but there's so many things I want. I often feel two completely conflicting emotions simultaneously, like wanting to go out and do something and at the same time not wanting to do anything. So it's a list of problems a mile long, I feel like i need help right this second but don't know how to tell anyone what is wrong or even if anyone can do anything. Just holding on. Have to keep reassuring myself that it will pass and get better but it's terrifying to think that this is what reality is. Share thoughts, anything that you think might lead me in the right direction.