Being Shut Out - Lymphomas Message Board

Trying To Understand · 05-19-2002, 03:36 PM

I hope someone can help me to understand this. A friend of mine for 30 years has just found out she has Lymphoma on the Lung. After she was diagnosed I was right there for her, just wanting to be there for her, and do anything I could do to help. You see her and I are are like sisters. We shared everything in our lives for over 30 years, but now that shes home, taking treatments, I haven't seen her. I've called to make sure It was ok for me to come visit her but shes always sick, or tired, which is totally understandabe, but I've always been there for her and now I feel like shes pushing me away, which is breaking my heart. She's always been there for me, and now I'm tryin to do the same but being pushed away. Can someone please ease my mind on this matter?

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The Best and most Beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched..........but are felt in the heart.

vedstone · 05-23-2002, 10:55 AM

Hi,
I know when I went through my treatments I went through that whole thing of feeling unattractive. Losing the hair, gaining weight, losing your color, etc... it is really a traumatic experience. I kind of secluded myself from everybody for a while; even my family for the most part. I took 4 weeks off of work and basically did nothing. I live by myself and have always been extremely independent. I just felt I would get myself through it I guess. I'm not saying this is the right approach, but I was ok with it. I guess my thinking was "ok, I'm going to look awful for a while... I'll just seclude myself and re-emerge exactly like I was and nobody will know any different." In fact, I was highly against my family telling anybody (but they did). This may be what she is thinking. It doesn't work that way, however, unless your rich and you can take a year off and hide because the effects of chemo will be apparent long after the treatments end. I wouldn't push her though. I did fine by myself; but I am a very strong person emotionally. She will have days during treatment that if she is not strong emotionally it will bring her down and fill her head with unwanted thoughts... like there is little or no hope. If you feel she is like that, then at least try to call her everyday or make sure somebody is there for her. Otherwise, let her do her thing.. because the symptons she is telling you are very true and she may just not be "up" to having a lot of company around. It took everything for me to get out of bed and get to the couch in the morning, let alone worrying about entertaining somebody. I know you are not looking to be entertained, but that is what she might be thinking... or maybe she just hasn't been able to clean the place. Offer to come over and HELP clean her house if that is applicable. Even though you may end up doing most of the work, don't make it sound like she is an involent. That was the best thing somebody did for me... come over and clean my house for me.

Jay Tor · 05-24-2002, 11:51 AM

As a parent of a child who underwent treatment for leukemia, I agree with Vedstone's comments.

Cancer is exhausting, a physical and emotional roller coaster. Plans are impossible because your status/ situation can change in minutes.

Close friends and family esp. the 'sensitive' types were sometimes very difficult to handle because they placed an additional burden on us and our child. Their 'sympathy' became too much to handle because they'd break down and cry, and then we'd end up consoling them saying 'It's going to be okay, etc.' and everyone would end up being even more physically and emotionally drained. Or, some of them went on and on about how horrible this disease was, how they feared the worst, how they were amazed at how well our child/we were coping, etc. Then there were the cancer enthusiasts giving us unsolicited advice about what we should be doing, telling us what they thought of our HEM/ONCs care or what they'd recently read in Reader's Digest about some completely unrelated cancer, etc. This may all sound okay and even sympathetic, but after 20-40 repetitions it gets pretty morbid; not what we needed.

The above was the worst of it; luckily we had a few close friends who were a wonderful source of comfort, help and laughter. They were there when we needed them and never intruded.

It's impossible to guess what type of help or friendship your friend needs right now or will need in the future. Offer your support and friendship; be patient with her and let her determine what she needs. Have you spoken with any of her family or other friends about this?

mamfarmer · 05-29-2002, 11:57 AM

Hi Stacey! I too am a parent of a cancer survivor. It is always hard for loved ones to understand what the victom is going through. Just be patient with your friend. Continue to let her know somehow that your there for her when she feels ready to see you. Keep faith! God bless you.