Don't know what's going on - Lymphomas Message Board

singer78 · 10-17-2007, 10:51 AM

Hi.
I just got back from radiation #3. 17 more to go.
I don't know what's happening with me....I'm feeling very depressed & immobile. Is that from radiation????
Linda, if you're reading this---I called around to try to find something like "Healing Touch," but we don't have it here in my area. I asked the hospital where I go, and they said they've been trying to get something off the ground for 3 years now, but there was no interest.

I was actually doing better during chemo, emotionally, believe it or not.
I'm usually not a depressed person, but yesterday I had an overwhelming scary feeling...almost panicky. And now, I'm thinking I am a candidate for antidepressants again, but I've tried 2 or 3 times in my life (due to hormones, the 1st time) and they never seem to work for me. I don't think that's the answer, anyway---although maybe there's an ultra mild one that would work for me. I just couldn't seem to sleep when I tried them.
My poor husband doesn't know what to do with me. I feel like I'm rejecting him, too.
Do you think I should tell my Oncologist I'm sinking deep?
I'm also losing my appetite. I was doing pretty good there, when I had those weeks off... No kind of food sounds appealing to me now.
I'm weepy, too... I was going to call & talk to my sister last night, but was afraid I couldn't, for crying.
Advice?
Thanks.
S.

singer78 · 10-17-2007, 12:12 PM

Hi, it's me....Thought I'd add something to this post.
My husband and I were talking. I think he figured it out.
While I had that month "off," I had a little energy, was starting to feel like my "old" life a bit....then along comes radiation.... It's an everyday thing, I'm back to focusing on my health....etc. etc. etc.... And back to the reality of the "fight for my life," with buzzing machines, short-tempered technicians, and fighting the traffic every morning.
My husband has been so wonderful trying to help me and understand what I'm going through. Thank God I have him. I feel bad, though---I think I've been somewhat unappreciative.
I also worry about my aging parents. Prior to diagnosis, I did more for them than I did myself, practically. I know the "Baby Boomer's" are all facing this...if they're lucky enough to still have their parents. I (by the Grace of God) still have both of mine, although they're both very frail and having health problems.
Anyway--someone on this site (but on another topic) quoted a book I think I may go look for today, promoting good, strong mental health. It's called "Extraordinary Healing," by Art Brownstein. Anyone here familiar with it? The gentlemen that posted, said it really helped him. I'd rather sort myself out on my own, than with antidepressants.
You all must think I'm a basket case. I'm really not. I just vacillate a lot. Heck, I make myself dizzy!

I can't wait until Thanksgiving! Hopefully, I'll have a LOT to be thankful for!!
XO
p.s. CC...forgot to ask, are you o.k., and are you having chemo?
If so....this is the Big 6 !! I pray you're o.k.
Please read:
I'm editing this again, because I want to tell you what happened this morning. I had a radiologist "training" technician DROP my tray (from shoulder level) that was made for me (the one that slides in, with the lead on it). She knew she shouldn't "do" that, and picked it up very quickly, and added "I need some more coffee." The other 2 technician's kind of laughed. Well, I came home & discussed it with my hubby, and he prompted me to call and tell the Head Radiologist. I'm so glad I did. He certainly didn't scoff at me, and took it very seriously. He said, "You paid for that....that's your own personal tray. The technician should have reported that to me." Anyway, he put it through some machine to make sure it wasn't damaged (which he said it wasn't...he called me back) and he said tomorrow when I come back in, they'll take a picture of me, just to be on the safe side, to make sure I'm in alignment. I'm SO glad I called. I hope I didn't get anyone in trouble, but if I did....so be it. That young, dumb tech shouldn't be messing around, dropping such valuable things & making light of it. I just hope they all don't hate me tomorrow.
Sorry...this is so long.

LINDA505 · 10-17-2007, 05:22 PM

Hello Singer,
It is not unusal to feel blue or depressed. Chemo does alter your hormones so you may want to check with your oncologist and tell him how you are feeling. I do not think they want to give you any hormone replacement right now but if you can find out if they are balanced or not. I would check my thyroid as well. You are coming to the end of your treatment soon and that can be a double edged sword....you are done but you also have to find out if the treatment has worked and you are in remission. That can be scary and cause you to be depressed., Here again you are facing the what ifs.

Don't be so hard on yourself with your husband. When you have cancer the other spouse usually is catching all your angst. It is hard to remember to say
thank you when you are feeling ill. Just tell him how you appreciate him every now and again. I see this in almost all the people I have taken care of.
Cancer sometimes makes you selfish cause YOU are fighting for your life.

That is too bad that they do not have healing touch. It really is a wonderful
thing and I believe is the reason my brother is doing so well. He has finished the 5 days of chemo which is 10x stronger than any chemo and he did not
have one side effect, not even nausea or vomiting or anything. Even his doc
is amazed. My brother said it is because of the healing touch. He will have
the transplant on Friday. He said he feels great.

I am sure the girls will give you alittle snub tomorrow but that is their problem.
She should have told her supervisor that she dropped the tray especially if it could alter the position. If she gets in trouble she will learn from it.

Call your oncologist tomorrow and tell him how you are feeling. I do not think that radiation can cause this. It is emotional not physical.

If you do not have an appetitie take the Merinol. You need to eat. No excuses.

Let me know how it went tomorrow.

Love
Linda

singer78 · 10-17-2007, 06:05 PM

Linda,
Do you happen to know, will I have another Pet/Ct scan at the end of radiation? Is that always protocol? I think I will jot down some questions for my chemo nurses.
I wish I would've just asked my Onc, early on, about my moodiness, rather than have him refer me to a Psychiatrist I didn't like. I even heard one of my chemo nurses say that she had gone to the same psychiatrist & didn't go back. This "woman" had 2 young trainees do all her work for her. They asked me tons of questions, then she came in and "lowered the boom." She said my anxiety was learned from my mother....then threw the prescription(s) at me. Like I said, I wish I would've never gone to her. ...bad bedside manner.
I did happen to find a support group at another hospital. Perhaps on my way home from radiation tomorrow, I might stop in. It's sort of on the way. They offer Reiki, massage, spiritual support, etc...
I heard Oprah mention that her thyroid was giving her problems for years. That just goes to show that you can have all the money in the world, & still stump doctors. I knew something was wrong with me years ago... I sought help from all kinds of doctors, to no avail....to think of all the money I spent on hormonal blood panels, etc...
My appetite is a little better today. I'm don't seem to want anything, but carbs. I'm trying to eat healthy, but nothing healthy, other than protein shakes and eggs & turkey bacon & wholegrain breads, sound good. I think chemo has changed my tastebuds.
It always helps 'talking' to you, Linda.
I will definitely call tomorrow...or better yet, I'll just walk up to my Onc's office & try to explain to them what's up with me. My problem is, when I start talking about this, I start crying & feel ashamed. I want to be stoic, but lately, I just can't.
XO, S.

LINDA505 · 10-17-2007, 06:06 PM

Dear Singer,

I wanted to ask you.....are you in menopause yet? If not you could be entering into it. Like I said chemo can throw off you hormones and put you in menopause. Just a thought....take care

Love
Linda