One week to go with radiation....having mixed feelings - Lymphomas Message Board

singer78 · 11-03-2007, 09:29 AM

Hi,
Since it's the weekend, I'd thought I'd post.
People have a tendency to get quiet on here then, and it seems to be 2 of my hardest days, CC has mentioned that, too.
Even though I'm seeing a psychologist, I can't sort all my feelings out. Of course, I only went once, so it may take a few sessions to get me thinking straight.
I guess the whole last months have been scary, and now that the end is in sight, it's catching me off-guard with tons of mixed emotions. I'm almost afraid for all this to end..

I guess it's because I'm so unsure about the future.
I haven't seen my Onc for weeks, and it's coming up Wednesday. I remember when they gave me my appt., I thought, "Gee....that's soooo far off."

I really am not having a terribly difficult time with radiation-some swallowing issues & some fatigue (much less than chemo)--more than anything, it's the pressure of getting there daily, that's a problem.
So....5 more days. I never thought I'd be here to "say" that. It seemed SO far off, months ago.

Kayla & Amanda, how are you both doing?
Linda, how is Don?
Fairylights, hope you're well.

Maybe a good cup of coffee will help me get started today.
The sun's shining (it's chilly, though) and I'm so very glad to be alive!
I'm counting my blessings, believe me.

This Forum is one of many.
love, S.

LINDA505 · 11-03-2007, 09:48 AM

Dear Singer,
What you are experiencing is normal. The whirlwind of treatment, you do not have time to think of anything else. Then you get to the end and now it is the time where you have to face your future. Did it work? Am I done with all this? Can I live a normal life again? Too many questions with no answers. You will get there and be fine. Try not to think too much. Just do and before you know it you will be done and planning your life again.

Well Don is not doing good. I am so very sad after all he has gone through and now it is all catching up with him.. His throat is so sore that it is bleeding now. He can not swallow or eat. He is in so much pain and they say they have nothing to give him for it. They say it is the chemo catching up with him. I was wondering when it would happen and my hopes that he got lucky and God spared him of this has fallen to the wayside. He was bleeding through his urinary tract as well. They are giving him double platelets but are having a hard time finding platelets that match his HLA. I do not see how one day everything is looking so bright and the next the bottom falls out
and continues to get worst. He is getting so depressed again and losing hope. He has been so strong and has had such hope and I do not want him to lose that. If so the fight will be over. He was suppose to go home today.
I do not know what God is wanting him to learn with these new findings but
I will keep praying that he is looking over him and all will be fine. What else
can you do? It just seems that it never ends for our family. We have lost someone we love almost every yr since 2000. Including our beloved pets.
It gets tiring.

Hope that you find what's troubling you. It will take time. It is a lifetime of
ups and downs and experiences that get you where you are. One visit to the psych. is not going to get to the root but it is the first step.

Have a nice weekend.

Love
Linda

singer78 · 11-03-2007, 10:32 AM

Linda,
My heart aches for you.
The human spirit is strong & the human body is amazing and always trying to heal itself. We have a nurse in the family, and she's told me many times that it takes "a lot" to "do" a person in. Aren't they giving Don anything for pain? --And I'm sure it hurts everyone in the family, knowing he was supposed to be going home today. As I've told you before, I feel my concerns are miniscule compared to Don's. I don't know why God puts such heavy burdens on some people. It's only through adversity, we learn & get strong. I must admit...I think I'm a little tired of my "lessons." I'd like to go, just one day, feeling "normal" again.
Like you said, the future is a bit unnerving. I'm going to have to learn to stop obsessing. I think when I get busy again, it will help immensely.
When I heard about people going through treatment, prior to me getting sick, I had NO idea what it entailed, and how taxing it was on everyone involved.
I certainly have a different perspective. When I get well, I intend on helping somehow, some way....
You've helped me so much throughout this whole ordeal.
I just wish I could return the favor.
All we can really do here, is lean on one another & pray.

I'm going to take a long bath---maybe that will help some.
I just don't feel like doing much, and it's so against my nature to just "lie around." Meanwhile, the laundry's mounting again, etc... etc....
My neighbor told me to "chill."
She said, "Singer...it will ALWAYS be there....don't stress over the small stuff."
She's right.
God Bless you, Linda. I know how precious siblings & family are.
S.

Caregiver21 · 11-03-2007, 02:32 PM

Linda,

I'm also a caregiver to my husband who recently finished treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I don't know Don's situation but I wanted to let you know I'll be saying a prayer for you and Don. Strength for you and comfort and peace for him. You're right, sometimes it's hard to understand what we are suppose to learn from the trials in our path. I pray every day and I find comfort in it. I hope you find the same.

Please take care of yourself. I know it's hard to spare the time, believe me. Even if it's just a bath to steal a half hour with a good book, it's something.

God Bless,

Eva

Caregiver21 · 11-03-2007, 02:35 PM

Singer,

My husband's Onc told me that it would be more emotional for us after treatment. During treatment, at least SOMETHING is happening. After treatment, well, it's just waiting and praying.

I am finding that it is more difficult, but I am also trying to find comfort in doing some "normal" things. Although we have to learn a new "normal", we are thankful for the opportunity. We try to find something positive everyday to be thankful for, and so far, it's not hard to do.

Take care, and God Bless!

Eva