Another guy butting in - Menopause Message Board

AHML3000 · 12-29-2005, 09:59 AM

First of all, my wife of 26 years has been on HRT for maybe three years and personality/disposition-wise she is an angel to be around. Her main problems are with sleeplessness, mild anxiety and very low libido. Now, I really don't intend to minimize the other symptoms of what this change you all have to endure brings, but being a guy the libido thing is the one I have a question about--I guess a lot of questions.

Is it just the loss of desire for sex or is it a loss of desire for intimacy in general? Does it ever still feel good to snuggle up to hubby on the couch while you’re watching TV? Do you still ever get the urge to walk over and give him a squeeze or a peck on the back of his neck when he’s working on something around the house? Does it feel good when he catches you from behind and gives you a gentle squeeze around the waist? Do you still sometimes feel the need to roll over on his shoulder on Saturday morning and hug him and scratch his belly or touch his chin? Or do you hope and pray that he’ll please just friggin’ leave you alone and not get close enough to touch or be touched? Do you ever have days or times when you really wouldn't mind some "contact?"

Don't get me wrong, DW and I have good times going out to dinner or movies, working in the yard together, going to wine tastings, etc. We have hobbies individually and together. It’s just that over the last year and a half to two years, much more often than not, a squeeze brings a grimace instead of a smile, especially if we’re alone.

Is this something that is temporary (maybe for a few years) and that you will "recover" from or do you think it's pretty much going to be the new you? I mean, I hope everyone of you sees the time when you can sleep all night, not have hot flashes, don't get overwhelmed by the details of everyday life...I hope all your symptoms go away. In the meantime, your SO's really do need an occasional squeeze. Some of us need one real bad.

3000

katidid95 · 12-29-2005, 02:10 PM

First of all, I don't think you are "butting in", but asking a good group of women a good question.

My question to you is: Did your wife give you this type of affection prior to being on HRT? If the answer is yes and she has been less affectionate, it's probably a result of just generally not feeling well, low energy, etc. which is certainly a symptom of not getting enough sleep and her hormones being unbalanced. She should question her Dr. about the HRT she is taking and see if there are alternatives that might also help with the anxiety and insomnia.

I don't think low libido necessarily means low affection. I think you need to be honest with your wife and make sure she knows that you are missing the hugs and other signs of affection. And, you need to be sensitive to receiving such affection without expectation of it leading to sex.

It sounds like you have been very patient and understanding. Some women go through symptoms for years. She may also be low on testosterone, something many Dr.'s don't even test. Some Dr.'s also give menopausal women birth control pills as HRT to even things out (which seems to work for some women), but it's a known fact that bcp lowers libido.

HELLASRULES · 12-29-2005, 04:18 PM

Hi 3000,
It's always nice to see a concerned SO here, and you certainly are not butting in.
Since menopause affects a great many areas of a woman's life, then it also affects those around her.
To answer your question...yes, Yes and YES. All of those things probably go thru her head. But I'd have to ask if she is experiencing pain or discomfort during intercourse.
IF she is, this may affect her to the point of "cringing" when you hug her or kiss her, as the pain (as well as loss of libido) is a big deterrent to ANY closeness, as she may think a hug will lead to more, which could be uncomfortable or painful. If she is experiencing vaginal dryness or pain due to menopause (very common) then she should consult her doctor, as there are things which can help.
Hellas

Belle2003 · 12-30-2005, 12:50 AM

You need to honestly communicate with your DW. The next time she cringes at a hug, ask her if you hurt her. Perhaps she is bloated or you caused her pain of some sort. If she says that it did not hurt her, ask if she was afraid that if she responded favorably to the hug, it might lead to you wanting sex. Try to get to the root of the problem. Physical pain, lack of desire, painful sex, a relationship problem, etc.

It can be difficult if the wife or husband just wants physical affection or intimacy and the other partner has no interest. Honest, gentle, understanding communication is the way to get to the root of the problem.

Diane05 · 12-31-2005, 11:49 AM

Hi, you are most welcome here. I got teary eyed just reading your post, I am not on HRT, but other than that, you could have been my DH writing that post! You sound so very kind and concerned, she is most fortunate to have a DH that is concerned and looking for answers, as I am.

I know, in my case, I have lost a lot of my desire, I love my DH dearly, he is wonderful and very understanding, but has asked some of these exact questions you have asked. He is very affectionate and can barely walk by me without touching me, which I love, but sometimes I probably appear to grimace, in some ways, makes me feel so guilty, and I am afraid he won't be able to stop with a hug, etc. Sex is very painful for me, absolutely terrible, so I did get a script from my DR. for vaginal cream that does have estrogen in it, to help all of this pain. It's not the same as taking HRT, orally, but I understand some of it gets into your system, as well. I have not been on it very long, so hoping it will work for me, altho, that doesn't really help the desire part. I'm hoping that by not hurting, that will help me mentally, too! If your wife is on HRT and has been for several years, I don't know if she would have the problem I do, looks like what she is on would keep that at bay, but maybe not.

I can so relate to your post and it makes me appreciate my husband even more. A lot of husband's would just say to heck with it, and go else where, that is why I am searching for answers myself, to keep that from ever happening! I feel, at this point, I am thru the worst of it, I am now concentrating on the part you describe. I also think that the longer you get into a routine of not having sex very often, the easier it is to just not do it! I always feel so very close to my DH, afterwards and wonder, why did I wait so long...I know, it makes no sense, but none of this menopause stuff makes sense, most of the time.

Hopefully, you can talk to her (but, I know that isn't always easy either). It is very hard to explain, because even we don't understand, fully, what is going on with our body's! It's a crazy and challenging time, that is for sure! But, not just for her, for you, also!

The very best to you!!!