Can we talk about husbands? - Menopause Message Board

Mistyeyze · 06-18-2006, 01:05 PM

Hi ladies,

I'm feeling so depressed today. My husband is out golfing and I'm here alone, missing my father who passed nine years ago..... so maybe I'm being overly sensitive... (plus I have "crazy hormones")-- but I really want some feedback from you all about husbands.

Some of you may know from this board that I have had a really hard past year with the peri symptoms. I came on this board and admitted to feeling mad all the time, sad, anxious-- so what I'm trying to say is I know I have not been the easiest person in the world to live with. However, in my defense, I have tried... I have really tried.... to keep my issues from spilling over and affecting my family life. There have been so many times when I wanted to snap at my husband (often for legit reasons) and didn't.. because I have been so paronoid of being nuts with hormones...

But something inside me is just feeling so empty in my marriage. I feel like my husband is in another world compared to me sometimes... like we have nothing to really talk about-- and he seems so selfish to me. Like today, I almost begged him not to go play golf, because he works six days a week, and sunday is his only day off-- and he plays golf alot on those days- but today, I wanted him to stay home with me. We had no kids around -- father's day wasn't an issue. He just wouldn't do it. I was almost in tears when he left, and it was like he didn't care.

Have I been such an emotional wreck from my hormones this past year that any sadness from me for any reason escapes him?

I guess what I'm wondering is-- has peri/meno affected your relationship? Have you ever felt REALLY ALONE in your transition? Do you sometimes look at your husband and wonder what the hell you see in him anymore?

Took day two of my bcp today.... if this is hormones-- I pray they start working soon.

littlejmb · 06-18-2006, 04:12 PM

Misty,

I am sorry I didn't see your post until now! I hate you have sat there feeling bad all day without any feedback. But yes, I know exactly how you feel. I have felt that way so much over the last few years. My husband wants to sleep all the time and I look forward to the weekend so that we can spend time together, and what does he do?? He slept all day yesterday and today too. I keep telling him upset it makes me and that I feel like he doesn't care anything about me because he won't stay awake and spend time with me - but it's like talking to a brick wall. He just doesn't get it!!!

So - you are not the only one that feels this way, and maybe its not all hormones - but they sure don't help matters any!!!

Big hug!!

Alabasterlyn · 06-19-2006, 03:36 AM

Hi Misty

I've only just read your post too and I think it's awful how your husband treats you. I would hate if it my partner worked 6 days a week and then spent his one day off playing golf. I don't think you should be feeling guilty for having hormone symptoms, I mean we are all going through this and although we don't all have the exact same symptoms, I am sure we all get days when we feel really crappy, but we don't expect our partners to just go off and enjoy themselves and leave us on our own.

On top of my meno symptoms I have had agoraphobia, panic, anxiety and depression issues for years, so topped with the meno I know there are times when I must be hard to live with. Luckily my partner of the last 9yrs is very sympathetic and supportive too and when he is off at weekends he is here at home with me. I really don't think I could have got through the past few years without his support to be honest. I know you mentioned that you were feeling sad thinking about the loss of your dad some years ago. I lost my dad 6yrs ago this August and it still makes Father's Day a hard day to get through.

I wish you well and hope that your husband starts to appreciate you more and spend more time with you. Relationships are hard work at the best of times.

Lyn

Mistyeyze · 06-19-2006, 10:35 AM

Thanks to both of you for the responses. Lynn thanks for validating that my expectation that he SHOULD spend his day off with me, at least sometimes, is not being unreasonable. He honestly thinks it is! After all, all his buddies are there playing too, and some of them work six days a week. I have felt so guilty about this-- maybe guilty is not the right word, just second guessing myself all the time thinking maybe I'm being unreasonable. I work with a lot of men and I've been asking them how often they play golf. Some do seem to play a lot. I would be happy if he just spent ONE sunday a month not playing golf.... I'm telling you guys he is a total sports junkie.

Well here is an update. I totally flipped out on him when he got home. Yelled, cried.... the whole works. He tried to defend himself by saying maybe I should get a new bcp and then I REALLY flipped. It was HOURS before we could talk in a civil manner to each other. I told him if things didn't change I wanted a divorce. Has anybody ever said that-- not really wanting one, but just out of total frustration and pain? I don't think he took me 100% serious, but he did say "we" could work through this. I'm thinking to myself NO, YOU need to work on YOU and YOU need to make some changes, but I didn't say it- I was too exhausted at that point. So.... we'll see.

Men

ps- as far as the sleeping husband... why is he sleeping so much? Could it be a medical thing? Have you ever tried just opening the curtains and waking his butt up?

MommaBee · 06-19-2006, 01:34 PM

The part before this was deleted by the MODERATOR. Sorry!
My husband and I have been using some counseling principles for a year now and I can say that it has helped our marriage. My husband had an affair.
When your husband is away all of the time, he is not putting anything into your marriage. He is living his life without you in it. This is what is called a marriage buster. Your emotional needs are not being met and this leads always to divorce. He is going to need to find a way to include you in his life. Period. His independant behavoir will cause your marriage to fail. I am sure he loves you, but without any time spent with you only causes you pain and resentment. You will continue to withdraw from your marriage until you find someone else or divorce.
You can not be expected to be a door mat for this man. You do all kinds of things to make his life easier, so he can live the life of a single man? I don't think so.
One thing also, do you think you give him any reason's for not spending time with you? I know that you are crying for sometime with him and he is not hearing you. Have you pushed him away and maybe are not helping him with his emotional needs?