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Old 06-18-2006, 12:05 PM   #1
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Can we talk about husbands?

Hi ladies,

I'm feeling so depressed today. My husband is out golfing and I'm here alone, missing my father who passed nine years ago..... so maybe I'm being overly sensitive... (plus I have "crazy hormones")-- but I really want some feedback from you all about husbands.

Some of you may know from this board that I have had a really hard past year with the peri symptoms. I came on this board and admitted to feeling mad all the time, sad, anxious-- so what I'm trying to say is I know I have not been the easiest person in the world to live with. However, in my defense, I have tried... I have really tried.... to keep my issues from spilling over and affecting my family life. There have been so many times when I wanted to snap at my husband (often for legit reasons) and didn't.. because I have been so paronoid of being nuts with hormones...

But something inside me is just feeling so empty in my marriage. I feel like my husband is in another world compared to me sometimes... like we have nothing to really talk about-- and he seems so selfish to me. Like today, I almost begged him not to go play golf, because he works six days a week, and sunday is his only day off-- and he plays golf alot on those days- but today, I wanted him to stay home with me. We had no kids around -- father's day wasn't an issue. He just wouldn't do it. I was almost in tears when he left, and it was like he didn't care.

Have I been such an emotional wreck from my hormones this past year that any sadness from me for any reason escapes him?

I guess what I'm wondering is-- has peri/meno affected your relationship? Have you ever felt REALLY ALONE in your transition? Do you sometimes look at your husband and wonder what the hell you see in him anymore?

Took day two of my bcp today.... if this is hormones-- I pray they start working soon.

 
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Old 06-18-2006, 03:12 PM   #2
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Misty,

I am sorry I didn't see your post until now! I hate you have sat there feeling bad all day without any feedback. But yes, I know exactly how you feel. I have felt that way so much over the last few years. My husband wants to sleep all the time and I look forward to the weekend so that we can spend time together, and what does he do?? He slept all day yesterday and today too. I keep telling him upset it makes me and that I feel like he doesn't care anything about me because he won't stay awake and spend time with me - but it's like talking to a brick wall. He just doesn't get it!!!

So - you are not the only one that feels this way, and maybe its not all hormones - but they sure don't help matters any!!!

Big hug!!

 
Old 06-19-2006, 02:36 AM   #3
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Hi Misty

I've only just read your post too and I think it's awful how your husband treats you. I would hate if it my partner worked 6 days a week and then spent his one day off playing golf. I don't think you should be feeling guilty for having hormone symptoms, I mean we are all going through this and although we don't all have the exact same symptoms, I am sure we all get days when we feel really crappy, but we don't expect our partners to just go off and enjoy themselves and leave us on our own.

On top of my meno symptoms I have had agoraphobia, panic, anxiety and depression issues for years, so topped with the meno I know there are times when I must be hard to live with. Luckily my partner of the last 9yrs is very sympathetic and supportive too and when he is off at weekends he is here at home with me. I really don't think I could have got through the past few years without his support to be honest. I know you mentioned that you were feeling sad thinking about the loss of your dad some years ago. I lost my dad 6yrs ago this August and it still makes Father's Day a hard day to get through.

I wish you well and hope that your husband starts to appreciate you more and spend more time with you. Relationships are hard work at the best of times.

Lyn

 
Old 06-19-2006, 09:35 AM   #4
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Thanks to both of you for the responses. Lynn thanks for validating that my expectation that he SHOULD spend his day off with me, at least sometimes, is not being unreasonable. He honestly thinks it is! After all, all his buddies are there playing too, and some of them work six days a week. I have felt so guilty about this-- maybe guilty is not the right word, just second guessing myself all the time thinking maybe I'm being unreasonable. I work with a lot of men and I've been asking them how often they play golf. Some do seem to play a lot. I would be happy if he just spent ONE sunday a month not playing golf.... I'm telling you guys he is a total sports junkie.

Well here is an update. I totally flipped out on him when he got home. Yelled, cried.... the whole works. He tried to defend himself by saying maybe I should get a new bcp and then I REALLY flipped. It was HOURS before we could talk in a civil manner to each other. I told him if things didn't change I wanted a divorce. Has anybody ever said that-- not really wanting one, but just out of total frustration and pain? I don't think he took me 100% serious, but he did say "we" could work through this. I'm thinking to myself NO, YOU need to work on YOU and YOU need to make some changes, but I didn't say it- I was too exhausted at that point. So.... we'll see.

Men

ps- as far as the sleeping husband... why is he sleeping so much? Could it be a medical thing? Have you ever tried just opening the curtains and waking his butt up?

 
Old 06-19-2006, 12:34 PM   #5
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

The part before this was deleted by the MODERATOR. Sorry!
My husband and I have been using some counseling principles for a year now and I can say that it has helped our marriage. My husband had an affair.
When your husband is away all of the time, he is not putting anything into your marriage. He is living his life without you in it. This is what is called a marriage buster. Your emotional needs are not being met and this leads always to divorce. He is going to need to find a way to include you in his life. Period. His independant behavoir will cause your marriage to fail. I am sure he loves you, but without any time spent with you only causes you pain and resentment. You will continue to withdraw from your marriage until you find someone else or divorce.
You can not be expected to be a door mat for this man. You do all kinds of things to make his life easier, so he can live the life of a single man? I don't think so.
One thing also, do you think you give him any reason's for not spending time with you? I know that you are crying for sometime with him and he is not hearing you. Have you pushed him away and maybe are not helping him with his emotional needs?

Last edited by MommaBee; 06-19-2006 at 11:59 PM.

 
Old 06-19-2006, 06:45 PM   #6
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Hi Misty,

I sure hope things are better for you today. You are not alone. I think most of us seem to go through this during the meno years. I know for me it is a up and down thing with my husband. Some days seem unbareable. Without spending time together you are not being supported and you need it. Try and talk with him and tell how important it is to you. Maybe you could also play golf with him. Men just don't understand what the hormones really do to us. Have a wonderful day! Julie

 
Old 06-20-2006, 09:28 AM   #7
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Mistyeyze:
I do empathize with how you are feeling. I think when things are not quite right in our marriage or relationships, it's difficult enough. Add to that whacked out hormones, and things can seem bleak and hopeless. About 6-8 months ago when I was still struggling with a lot of physical symptoms, I really wondered if I could stick it out in our marriage. I love my husband to death, but the stress caused by having his 18 yr old son live with us just felt, at times, too much to bear. I remember thinking that I just didn't think I could make it through the next XX number of months until he went away to college. That is NOT rational thinking. To give up our whole marriage? I'm not saying that every rocky relationship can be rescued by better hormones, but peri sure doesn't help anything!

By you saying you wanted a divorce, in the heat of anger, I think is a cry for help. I'm sure it got his attention. You deserve to get your needs met in your marriage. Not only do you deserve it, it won't work otherwise. It sounds like with your husband working so much and needing his own time (to play golf or whatever) leaves little time for you. In my book, while his time/golf are important, you should come first. You both need to figure out how to negotiate his attention to you and your marriage. Like if he'd taken you out to dinner Sat. evening or made a special dinner for you, spent time with you, would you have felt better about him being gone on Sunday for golf? Or if he'd played early Sunday, then come home and spent the afternoon with you on Sunday?

 
Old 06-20-2006, 10:26 AM   #8
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Misty,

I agree with the other ladies here, our husbands should ALWAYS make us their number one priority - just like we do them. You asked why did my husband sleep so much, well its because he is on disability for osteoarthritis and degenerative disk disease. He is on Fentynl pain patches for that, but it doesn't seem to be enough for him. So - he takes too many muscle relaxers and Xanax to make him sleep. WE have fought and fought about this, I have threatened to leave him (just like you did) not really wanting that to happen - but wanting to get my point home at how desparately unhappy I was with the way things were. It's really been a struggle with this, too much to even write, but we're still working thru all this.

I guess my point here is that I feel badly in that he doesn't care enough or make a point of being alert to spend time with me. There's been many times that even though he was there - I felt like I was all alone. HE is not meeting my needs.

So - everything you are feeling is very much valid and I have been and still am right there with you. I think alot of us have been. Just keep posting here and we hope that your husband will see your needs - and make a point of trying to meet them! And mine too for that matter!

 
Old 06-21-2006, 12:50 AM   #9
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Maybe it would help if our husbands/partners had hobbies/interests that included us?

Although my partner doesn't go off and leave me on my own whilst pursuing his own hobbies, he does like just being at home. This is fine up to a point, but now that it's just the 2 of us I find I get very depressed staying home all the time.

As I mentioned in my previous post I suffer with agoraphobia, so I can't do things on my own. We used to have a very good social life and now we have none, I think the last time we went out was on New Year's Eve, which is nearly 6mths ago.

I'd love to find an interest that we could both get our teeth into as it would maybe give us something to do together.

Lyn

 
Old 06-21-2006, 08:16 AM   #10
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Mistyeyze HB User
Re: Can we talk about husbands?

MamaBee- I am sorry to hear about the affair. I really am. If it got you into counseling though- maybe that is some kind of consolation.
Thank you for the insight. My husband does not think he is away all of the time. He thinks evenings together each night is enough time...... and also feels he is entitled to time to do things he likes to do, like play golf and watch sports. Did I mention he follows EVERY sport there is?
The problem is, I don't see our evenings as quality time.
IMO- we ARE lacking quality couple time. I made that point clear to him on Sunday. Right now I feel like I am in a wait and see mode.
Have I not helped him with his emotional needs? Actually, I think I have. In fact, I honestly think I have been the one who has nurtured-- and he has gotten used to always being on the receiving end. He's not the giver.
This past year I've learned I just can't be the constant giver anymore.

Littlejmb- I can see your husbands medical issues are a problem, but it seems like his management of it has become your problem-- do you think he might be depressed? Does he sleep at night too? Does he have an interest in anything? I feel for you in this situation.... feeling alone for any reason is no fun. Kati- you know I understand the step issues.... although mine don't live here- I give you a ton of credit for that alone!

I guess the bottom line is we all have our unique challenges in our marriages. I Just feel like peri-meno and even getting older in general can sometimes make those challenges seem all that much harder.

I'm going to try a new strategy with myself, and with how I deal with my husband. I'm not going to whine about him not spending quality time with me-- I'm just going to start doing more things on my own. For too long I've let my world revolve around him, and it has become our pattern. I guess I am thinking I can't change us until I first change me. There is no going back in time. Things will never be "the way they used to be".... so... I need to take care of myself. We all do. If we don't--- who else will? Not most men, imo.

Last edited by Mistyeyze; 06-21-2006 at 08:38 AM.

 
Old 06-21-2006, 12:00 PM   #11
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

"I'm going to try a new strategy with myself, and with how I deal with my husband. I'm not going to whine about him not spending quality time with me-- I'm just going to start doing more things on my own. For too long I've let my world revolve around him, and it has become our pattern. I guess I am thinking I can't change us until I first change me. There is no going back in time. Things will never be "the way they used to be".... so... I need to take care of myself. We all do. If we don't--- who else will? Not most men, imo."

Misty:
I agree you DO need to take care of yourself, but it will also take the TWO of you to nurture your relationship. Otherwise you will never be happy in it - either of you. Obviously you know whining isn't the answer. But, you must find a way to communicate with your husband what your ideas are on "quality time" together. Start with something that he CAN do, like date night or taking a walk after dinner a couple of nights a week. I heard on the news the other day about how men like to talk about things when they are involved in an activity, rather than sitting face to face. (I guess they feel trapped or uncomfortable.) You might actually find that he has a need(s) that is not getting met even though you feel you give 110%. I think it's true - I do seem to get a lot of good discussion from my husband when we jog together. Some things in my marriage will "never be the way they used to be", but I can say for the most part that things are actually better. We've grown and matured as a couple together. Sorry, don't mean to sound like a marriage counselor!! But it sounds like you do love him - don't give up!

As far as taking care of yourself, just know that when you are feeling hormonal and tired is probably not the time to have a serious talk. I know for myself I'm just irrational and might end up saying something I don't mean. Try to pick a time when you are feeling okay (hard right now, huh?)[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/images/smilies/dizzy.gif[/url]

 
Old 06-24-2006, 06:20 AM   #12
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

I would like to add something if I may...my sister who is 51 now and just went 12 months without her period and is hoping she is through now has just gotten her divorce from her ex finalized about 2 months agao. I have been divorced for 8 years after being married for 16. I am now remarried to a wonderfully supportive man.( I do know how lucky that makes me )I am just starting down this meno road of twists and turns emmotionally , hormonally ect. ect.

I have a question actually and I am wondering what others might think about .... Does anyone think that maybe age is a bigger issue in this whole scenario than changing hormone issues when it comes to feeling fed-up in a relationship that does not meet our needs? That maybe we as women who are in relationships that have not been meeting our needs for so long in our lives that the older we get the more we realize that life is to short to live this way and we would like it to change for the better? That maybe adding the hormones into things just makes it easier for us to finally let out those feelings that have been on the surface for so long but we were unable to let loose. That it actually brings feelings we have stuffed for years and years to the for-front for us to see and want to deal with and fix finally?

When my sister got divorced HIS side of the family said it was all meno related and she was acting crazy due to meno. However our side figured she was about 20 years of the 28 she was married overdue and should have gotten divorced a long time agao from this man.

She believes that it was all coincidental as far as finally having had enough and than going through meno as well.

But the theory is interesting to me. I think maybe hitting meno for some women is the big wake up call to knowing we are getting older and life is short. WHy waste it being unhappy any longer so working on ones relationship becomes a priority. Divorce or not... a women may feel life is just too short to live it feeling lonely and wants to change it for the better.

This could pertain to relationshps, jobs, friendships ect..

I guess I just hate it when men or anyone else refers to our pain we feel inside as being just irrational hormones running rampant making us feel this way. That we would not feel like this if we were not hormonally imbalanced...Maybe so... to an extent but maybe it's making us more aware of our true feelings in some instances as well.

Good Luck ladies ...and I truely hope your husbands see the light soon. Sometimes it just takes a good kick in the butt so to speak for them to hear us for it to get better ...and some never hear us no matter how we approach it...
Hang in there .....chin up!

 
Old 06-25-2006, 10:59 AM   #13
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lauralu2000
I have a question actually and I am wondering what others might think about .... Does anyone think that maybe age is a bigger issue in this whole scenario than changing hormone issues when it comes to feeling fed-up in a relationship that does not meet our needs? That maybe we as women who are in relationships that have not been meeting our needs for so long in our lives that the older we get the more we realize that life is to short to live this way and we would like it to change for the better? That maybe adding the hormones into things just makes it easier for us to finally let out those feelings that have been on the surface for so long but we were unable to let loose. That it actually brings feelings we have stuffed for years and years to the for-front for us to see and want to deal with and fix finally?
I agree with this.

My husband is either going to get with the program, or I predict we will divorce within a year.
Time does feel more precious to me now.... and I'm no longer willing to waste a bunch of time, or energy for that matter, trying to get my husband to be more supportive. His mere existance in the world is not enough to sustain our marriage, and I told him that the other day. I refuse to do ALL the work, or treat him like a child trying to "show" him how to be supportive and how to nurture a (OUR) marriage. At 45 years of age, I feel it is HIS responsibility to figure a few things out for himself.

I have time to write this today because guess what?? He is golfing.

But, but, but...... when he gets home at 4:00-- then we have the WHOLE
day together to sit around the yard.

I'd be real curious about the statistics on how many women have affairs during this time?

 
Old 06-25-2006, 11:17 AM   #14
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

i'm going to add to this discussion also. In C. Northrups book "the Wisdom of Menopause" she discusses this exact issue. That their are other issues that come up besides just hormones. Many women do wake up and see what is really happening and instead of just taking it ,they start making changes. Many women leave unfulling jobs for a new career,or unfullfilling marriages. She speaks of her own marriage ,and how she finally decided that she needed to leave it. You are not alone in your feelings . I recommend this book to anyone going through peri menopause or full blown menopause.
in my own life i went through this about 3 years ago. i'm 54 now. My mom died ,my grandkids moved to another state ..it was just me amd my husband,and i was feeling very needy. We had a pretty rough year ..but we did work it out. I agree with the last post as far as finding something to do together. Maybe walks ,or get bikes ,or set date nights or find something you both like. He's a sports nut...do you like any sports? Maybe you both can take tennis lessons together? My husband just bought a motorcycle ....now for many years i fought that ,but now that he has it i find i actually like riding on the back with him ..and we're having all sorts of new adventures together.
But also i have found things i like to do without him. i joined a gym with a pool ,so now i'll go swimming ,I love to read ,and spend many hours at the library, of course shopping works for me too, but can get exspensive. LOL. I took a knitting class. i'm going to be getting a piano and taking lessons as that's something i've always wanted to do. Good luck...I know this is a time of confusion and despair for you. I know how that feels. I hope you can find your way out of it with the best outcome for all.

 
Old 06-26-2006, 12:24 AM   #15
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Re: Can we talk about husbands?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathryn+2
i'm going to add to this discussion also. In C. Northrups book "the Wisdom of Menopause" she discusses this exact issue. That their are other issues that come up besides just hormones. Many women do wake up and see what is really happening and instead of just taking it ,they start making changes. Many women leave unfulling jobs for a new career,or unfullfilling marriages. She speaks of her own marriage ,and how she finally decided that she needed to leave it. You are not alone in your feelings . I recommend this book to anyone going through peri menopause or full blown menopause.
Having read up on this book online, I have just ordered it as it really does sound a very good book. Thanks for the recommendation Kathryn

I have also ordered another book mentioned on here which is all about adrenalin fatigue as I'm sure I have that.

Lyn

Last edited by Alabasterlyn; 06-26-2006 at 12:27 AM.

 
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