What can I do to help my husband understand what I'm going through? - Menopause Message Board

PackerLady · 09-02-2006, 07:25 AM

I'm 45 and have been going through peri-menopause for a couple years now. I go from being tired to too much energy (which usually leads to me doing something stupid and hurting my back), too moody, too stable, too critical, too nice, and overall so unprodictable that my poor husband doesn't know if he should even speak to me or not. I try to tell him I'm having hot flashes and mood swings because of the "old lady disease" but I'm sure he doesn't understand. I'm making him feel uncomfortable around me and that really hurts. What can I do to help him "get it"? Women really don't go through all this alone. Any suggestions?

Mistyeyze · 09-02-2006, 12:30 PM

I understand your frustration, believe me. Something you said that stuck out at me was you telling him it's "old lady disease"..... because I think for me, perimeno made me feel old.... and I had (have) fears that life as an old lady is going to suck, and like it's all down hill. I think that fear contributed to my mood swings, so I'm wondering if you could be experiencing some of that. It was hard for me to talk to my husband about it because I didn't want HIM to see me as an "old lady" either.... meanwhile, in his mind- he also had some fears. When we got to the point that we could talk, he told me meno scared him because he heard women "don't like sex anymore"..... I mean like here I was, feeling a hundred things, and his big fear was not getting as much sex. I honestly think that if I came to look and move like a turtle he would still be in love as long as I wanted to have sex. Maybe your husband is afraid of being rejected? When I would have bad mood swings and end up fighting with my husband, I wouldn't want to have sex, and I think that set his fear in motion. It was like a vicious cycle. In reality, we both wanted intimacy, it was just really hard to be on the same page when this first hit me.
So bottom line for what ever it's worth, is that I think men really depend on sexual intimacy with their partner, and when that is threatened by our actions, they get insecure. When you finally find a way to open up about it, most things can be worked out, including the sex.
Just some of my observations so far.

PackerLady · 09-04-2006, 09:01 AM

I think you are right. Most men really aren't that complex. They want food, football & sex. My husband got to where he's stop asking for sex which made me feel even worse and confirmed my feelings that I must be old & unattractive. I got very insecure about it. I did finally ask him why he didn't ask and he said he was tired of getting rejected. Thanks for the thoughts!

katidid95 · 09-04-2006, 06:38 PM

I agree with Mistyeyeze also. But I also think it ties into fear of being rejected. And let's face it, when we are not feeling our best, sex is the last thing we want to think about. I think part of what helped me (finally) was just talking frankly about how I felt. Ignoring it or trying to cover up or trying to make believe I feel okay when I did not doesn't work. My husband is very in tune with my moods and he would take it as a reflection on how I was feeling about him, which was so not the case. I once told him it almost feels like I'm insane because when I'm moody, it just dosen't feel like I'm ME. I don't know why, but it was hard for me to admit that I have PMS and mood swings (because I didn't when I was younger). Now if I can just own up to it when I feel it coming on, he does understand a little bit better.