Lost husband due to perimenopause? - Menopause Message Board

janell · 09-14-2006, 11:19 AM

Have any of you had failed relationships (whether married or not) because of the problems you've had with menopausal or perimenopausal symptoms?

I will turn 50 next week, and have been having perimenopausal symptoms for several years now, but they've been much worse just in the last year or so. We've only been married for just shy of 3 years (it's a second marriage for both of us).

My main symptoms are the emotional ups and downs, especially sudden tears for no apparent reason, hot flashes, and itching all over. The emotional symptoms are the ones that get to my husband. And I can see why. Sometimes I feel like aliens have taken control of my brain. It's like I'm there outside myself, watching myself get all upset and angry over really nothing. It just takes nothing to set me off.

I've tried explaining what it feels like to my husband, and he really does try to understand. But he's getting worn out, trying to not say or do anything that's going to cause a problem. And meanwhile, **I'm** getting worn out, trying to pretend that I feel just fine and not on the verge of tears.

Some days I honestly wonder if we're going to make it through this.

I'm not on HRT and really am hoping not to have to be. I did try Estroven for a while, and it helped, but made my itching problem MUCH worse.

MommaBee · 09-14-2006, 04:14 PM

First, let me say, Happy Early Birthday! I just turned 50 last week!
Your question is a good one, because it does cause alot of problems in marriages. Mine too. The lack of libido, the depression(crying), and all the other 'crap' that our bodies are causing can really make for a tough time.
My husband and I have had our share during my ups and downs with peri. He even had an affair and we almost divorced. He told me that he thought I didn't care anymore and had a one night stand. That was 9 months ago. I had gotten past that part of our lives, but now we don't see much of each other. He is gone all week, working in another town 3 hours away and stays with his mother during that time. I just started a new job and have been having a hard time learning everything(memory is not what it used to be!), plus taking care of my sons, 14 and 12by myself for the first time. I have found myself crying at the drop of a hat and I haven't done that for along time. The stress has caused me to have periods again after nothing for 8 months. I know that it is due to peri. (also, his being gone, brings back the affair)
I think that if your marriage is to work, the men in our lives need to understand this is not in our heads(meaning on purpose) That it is biological and that with hormones out of control, we will do and say things we normally wouldn't. Let him read some info on perimenopause. There are some good sites out there with good info for husbands. What you need to do, is to make sure that you are taking care of him still. That is basically all they want. I try to make sure that my husband is happy. That is what marriage is about. I don't feel short-changed, because when he is home, I feel loved and cared about. He goes out of his way to make me happy.
Wishing you the best!

katidid95 · 09-15-2006, 09:31 AM

Peri and menopause can be hell on a relationship. This topic comes up from time to time on the Board, so believe me you are not alone. I think the hardest thing about peri and menopause is that so little is commonly known about it. Spouses/partners may not realize that our actions that appear to be moodiness, bitchiness, etc. are a symptom of a real physical problem. Any relationship is going to be challenged when something big happens in your life like a loss of a job or an illness. Maybe since you've only been married 3 years, this is the first time you've had to deal with a bump in the road.

You say "I've tried explaining what it feels like to my husband, and he really does try to understand. But he's getting worn out, trying to not say or do anything that's going to cause a problem. And meanwhile, **I'm** getting worn out, trying to pretend that I feel just fine and not on the verge of tears."

Keep trying! I think communication is the key. You will not be able to pretend you don't feel the way you do. Your husband will know things are not right and possibly think it has something to do with him. Let him talk to you also about how he feels.

My husband has been very supportive, but I must say when I first started having peri symptoms (and didn't really recognize and know what was happening) it caused terrible problems for us. Now that we both have a better understanding and can talk about it, there are a lot less hurt feelings going around.

janell · 09-15-2006, 09:29 PM

Thank you both for responding.

Katidid -- how to get him to understand that this is a real physical problem? I think he feels that if I really wanted to, I could control the emotional aspects of this. He hasn't actually said that, but that feeling still comes across pretty clearly.

This is definitely not the first "bump in the road" for us, either. This is just on top of other stuff that we're already dealing with, and it's not helping!

Mistyeyze · 09-16-2006, 11:27 AM

Janell,

I so understand your frustration. I felt the same way.... and it was hard on my marriage. Second marriage for us too. I was an emotional mess and worried that we might not make it.

I'm going to cut right to the chase and tell you that getting on Lexapro changed everything for me because it gave me back control of my emotions. I was resistant to go that route, but after some encouragement from a few people here, and because I was so sick of being miserable I tried it. The change for me has been dramatic. I feel like myself again, thank god!

Consider this option before you throw in the towel.... trust me, it can be better.