Help? Libido = Nil! - Menopause Message Board

Purple Fan · 09-20-2006, 06:28 AM

Hi, All

I'm a new member to these boards, and I'm getting pretty desperate for some assistance.

I'm probably mid-way through menopause (e.g. skip 3 periods, have one, skip two, LMP 146 days ago). My libido is non-existant, and I'm finding it very difficult. My OH is very understanding, but it's got to the stage where I feel so guilty that I go to bed ahead of him, get up ahead of him, etc - anything to avoid having to say no. Last attempt was about 2 months ago.

I have the usual dryness, etc., and on the rare occasions we do make love, I end up swollen and walking with a limp! (OH extremely well endowed, which doesn't help). We use lubricants, and I've tried vaginal oestrogen cream prescribed by GP, but this didn't seem to help. As we have a family history of breast cancer, I'm naturally reluctant to use HRT, and so I'm at the end of my tether. My sex drive used to be pretty average, I think, but I really do feel that the (near)absence of sex may put my marriage at risk. (I have to say, OH has given no indication of this at all - it's me worrying about 'depriving' him).

Any ideas?

Belle2003 · 09-20-2006, 06:05 PM

If it were me (and one day it will be) I would go to the doctor and see if there is anything else to help me besides HRT. If there wasn't, then I would have a heart to heart talk with my hubby. I would explain my situation and ask if there was another way I could please him. Luckily your husband does not seem the demanding type and for all you know he might be grateful that he no longer has to perform. I have read that men's libidos lower with age too.
Once you have had the heart to heart talk, you can cuddle, hold hands, and go to bed anytime you want. I hope this helps.

katidid95 · 09-20-2006, 07:36 PM

I'm with Belle, especially on the communication part. Maybe you already have talked about it, but if not, I'd be willing to bet that your husband is feeling rejected and that you are less interested in him (rather than the sex). There are other ways you can have sexual intimacy and please your husband rather than intercourse. This may be an opportunity for you both to explore something else in this new phase of your lives.

rheanna · 09-21-2006, 01:32 AM

Purple Fan,

In addition to the excellent responses above, may I suggest that vaginal estrogen cream takes a while to work. When I became so dried out that I felt like I was being ripped apart during intercourse, I started using the vaginal cream. It took several weeks for it to rebuild the tissues so that they could produce natural lubrication. You don't say how long you used it, but it may be that you just need to give it a bit more time.

Of course, as the ladies above said, there are lots of other ways to share intimacy and please each other.

--Rheanna

Purple Fan · 09-21-2006, 06:54 AM

Thanks, all, for your responses.

Yes, we have had many a heart-to-heart on this. My OH is wonderful, and puts no pressure on me at all (although I know his own sex drive is not reduced). You're right, of course, that there are ways other than penetrative sex - but my problem is, I have absolutely no inclination towards any sex of any sort - and my OH and I both feel the interest should be reciprocal otherwise it's an act of physical relief alone.

I did try oestrogen cream for around 3 months, to no real avail, and I have spoken to my GP about alternatives to HRT, with no real success (and I have a brilliant, female GP).

Sorry if I sound so negative - I just feel like bursting into tears and writing myself off as a woman. I don't want a sex-free marriage any more than my OH does, and although he reassures me otherwise, I guess my anxiety gets the better of me and I worry about him seeking solace elsewhere. (I've never had any reason to suspect anything of the sort - but I just can't help feeling I'm letting him down).