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Old 12-27-2006, 12:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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soul mining HB User
no libido / sex drive

Hi, I have never posted before and would welcome some advice / thoughts please. I am in my early 40ís and my wife is a couple of years older. We have been married since our early 20ís and have a couple of kids who are late teens / early 20ís. My wife has never been comfortable showing affection and doesnít like to talk about feelings health, etc, and just gets on with her life, her usual saying is ĎI can handle ití. When she is hurt, upset etc she will keep it all inside. I am quite demonstrative and at ease showing and talking about talking about my feelings.

Obviously the sex side of a relationship changes as you move throughout your life, have kids etc. And over the years sex had become more functional and less intimate, but we still managed it a few times a month. I have also noticed that, over the last few years, she doesnít seem to deal with any hassles, (family illnesses, emotional, work etc), which really seem to drain her. A few years ago she had an erratic / fluttering heart beat and has a blood test every 6 months as she is borderline thyroid (I am not sure if itís hypo or hyper), has low blood pressure, feels the cold. I have also noticed her ageing recently. She works part time but has also taken over a more demanding job role. My teenage daughter is also very possessive of her and always wants to be with her. I am aware that people and relationships adjust as they go along but recently she seems very tired and down not her usual energetic / happy self.

When we last had sex a few weeks ago my wife didnít look happy so I sat down and had a talk with her. She said that she has absolutely no sex drive, doesnít feel like it, never thinks about it, and doesnít want it and that having no sex drive doesnít bother her. I said that maybe it would come back. She said that she doubted it and that as I obviously had a sex drive I should go and get it elsewhere. I pointed out that this wouldnít happen as I love her and still found her attractive.

She says that she loves me and wants to be married to me but canít see why sex is so important to me, and doesnít see why she has to do it. I asked her if there was someone else to which she said no and she doesnít want sex with anyone. She also pointed out that she felt totally numb inside and didnít feel any thing, she had given and given and everyone had just taken and taken from her and that she had nothing left to give. As I am anxious this has had the undesirable effect that I have become more demonstrative and keep seeking emotional reassurance from her; which of course has been making her feel pressured. Something I donít want her to be.

I love my wife and am worried about her, she just looks so run down and emotionally drawn however I couldnít suggest a health check as she would just say that there is nothing wrong with her. I am trying to get some sort of order on this. Has anyone else experienced or been in this type of situation. I would welcome any advice or ideas please if this could be the onset of menopause, thyroid, depression etc. Thank you.

 
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Old 12-28-2006, 06:13 PM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,061
Belle2003 HB User
Re: no libido / sex drive

The thyroid, menopause and depression could all have a negative effect on your wife. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to have a doctor check out her health and you might both want to see a marriage counselor. Then you will be covering all the possibilities for this change in your wife's outlook.
Menopause is when your wife does not have a period for a year. Perimenopause is when your body has all of these negative symptoms leading up to menopause. Lack of libido can be one of them.

You may want to see if you can find the book by Dr. John Lee called "What your doctor may not tell you about premenopause" and "Before the Change, taking charge of your perimenopause" by Anne Gittleman. Both of these tell you what supplements, vitamins and exercise you can do to help alleviate the negative symptoms of perimenopause.

Most wives who suffer from no sex drive, still want to please their husbands and still be intimate. For your wife to tell you to go elsewhere, indicates that you may need a good marriage counselor.

 
Old 02-17-2007, 10:47 AM   #3
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(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Glasgow, United Kingdom
Posts: 73
Barbs45 HB User
Re: no libido / sex drive

I've been going through the menopause now for 4yrs now, and my sex drive isn't too hot at the moment.

Although, having said that, I have a loving, caring husband who I love very much, and he loves me. We just have to be patient that this problem won't last forever!

Maybe your wife needs to confide in you more, about how her condition is really affecting her.

Good luck,
Barbs.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 07:48 AM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 9
Belle1960 HB User
Re: no libido / sex drive

Hi,
I have gone through that very thing that your wife is going through. As I was reading along, I was thinking that maybe this is my husband writing in. My husband is 5 years younger than me and we have been together for about 9 years now. I just feel like my job is done, now that my daughter has moved out and I have been in Menopause since I was 30 due to a hysteroctomy. I suffer from depression and take meds for it, but that also effects my sex drive or rather - LACK of it. I just could care less if I went the rest of my life and never had sex again. I can't really put my finger on it or make sense of it, but I know how I feel. It's a very confusing way to be especially when I have to keep convincing my husband that it IS NOT HIS FAULT AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!! I did talk to my doctor about the problem this week and she is decreasing my Zoloft and putting me on something, but I can't remember the name of it to help with the sex drive. I know this doesn't help a whole lot, but atleast you know that you guys are not the only ones going through this. Alls, I can say is - your wife has a great husband to be so patient - JUST like I do!!

 
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