I am involved in a lengthy debate with a friend about the causes for women's sexual peaks. We both agree that this occurs around the ages of 35-45, but disagree on why.
One argument is that perimenopause causes hormonal and neurochemical changes which lead to an increased sex drive.
The other is that social and/or psychological factors such as increased sexual assertiveness, divorce, or children leaving the nest are the root causes.
Since neither of us are women in this age group, we are hoping that the members here can resolve this argument.
I'm 45 and maybe just getting perimenopausal. Your question is a hard one, I don't think there are any straight answers. For me I'd have to say its more social/emotional types issues. Risk of pregnancy has never been and issue for me, I"m long time divorced, no kids. My current boyfriend of 16 months thinks I"m compulsive where sex is concerned - like I program it in like training (I'm a runner). But I think I"m just practical - with everyones busy lives I don't think you can always wait until all the planets are in alignment :-) and the mood takes you. I think you have to make the mood sometimes.
Hi Xpanda,
I was getting into my sexial peck when discovered I'm menopausal. I'm 36 and have 3 kids, 11, 8 & 2 yrs, so I was just getting my life back into gear. Not that I feel past it just that the shock of early menopause has knocked me for six. I'm sure I'll be back to my old sexy self in no time.
First of all, I am not sure wether to commend you for coming straight to the best sources for the answer to the question, or maybe taken aback by your boldness!
My opinion, always got one is that it will almost never be just one reason.
10 years is a large window of time. That is enough time in a woman's life for both the hormonal changes and life changes you mention, to change over and over. So, on a case by case basis each woman may be going through any of those things, or all of them, off and on over time.
I also believe that sexual assertiveness, as you put it, comes from a woman's confidence in herself, thus sexual confidence, thus the ability for sexual assertiveness. That confidence to me comes from two places; from within herself (these things will be effected by the things you mentioned) and confidence given to her by her partner, family, constituints, and even life style ie; is she happy w/job, being a mom, in marriage, does her partner lift her up and make her feel sexy?
More than anything, I can't stress this enough, not just in my own experience in life, but because of the hundreds of women I have served in their childbearing years, I feel that it is the partner in her life, and how she is treated by that partner, consitantly over time.
With me, my husband makes me FEEL sexy. This is on my very worst days too, and I can tell he isn't just saying it. He truly likes me as a person, and is thus truly attracted to all of me, so it doesn't matter when it's a bad day, he still sees me in and out, and never stops, that is key, because if you like and love a partner, and it is two sided, then your constantly doing things for them, and telling them things like "you look so sexy today", or "right now", or whatever. I say all that to try and say that for me, when any of the things you mentioned are going on, even physical things like hormonal changes, or even flare ups from my illness, he still finds ways to just turn me on, and make me feel VERY SEXY. I have days when I just feel that way, and that comes from within me. But if he was not behind me so much, and constantly (daily) telling me all the things he does, "your beautiful", "your smart and I am proud of you", stuff like that, or supporting me when I do things, I would not find him attractive. To me it is just that simple. It's about the partner relationship.
Confidence is extrodinarily powerful, and can help women lose wieght, take better care of themselves nutritionally, wear sexier clothing, try new things, which then brings more confidence and excitment in life.
There is no simple answer to your question in that it is not just one thing, but there is simplicity to the problem that ya'll debate in that each woman, when consistantly over time is made to feel sexy, brilliant, beautiful, etc. she will grow more confident as she grows older, with minimal periods of low libido. Remember that key phrase made to feel....
I will say one last thing though, and that is that the other key phrase to me is two sided relationship, this has to be going on between the two people, cause it is a perpetual, progressive circle of respect, and adoration, and being "in-love" with someone that makes a woman or a man feel sexy or truly loved for who they are, which in turn will make one feel sexy.
First of all, I am not sure wether to commend you for coming straight to the best sources for the answer to the question, or maybe taken aback by your boldness!
My opinion, always got one is that it will almost never be just one reason.
10 years is a large window of time. That is enough time in a woman's life for both the hormonal changes and life changes you mention, to change over and over. So, on a case by case basis each woman may be going through any of those things, or all of them, off and on over time.
I also believe that sexual assertiveness, as you put it, comes from a woman's confidence in herself, thus sexual confidence, thus the ability for sexual assertiveness. That confidence to me comes from two places; from within herself (these things will be effected by the things you mentioned) and confidence given to her by her partner, family, constituints, and even life style ie; is she happy w/job, being a mom, in marriage, does her partner lift her up and make her feel sexy?
More than anything, I can't stress this enough, not just in my own experience in life, but because of the hundreds of women I have served in their childbearing years, I feel that it is the partner in her life, and how she is treated by that partner, consitantly over time.
With me, my husband makes me FEEL sexy. This is on my very worst days too, and I can tell he isn't just saying it. He truly likes me as a person, and is thus truly attracted to all of me, so it doesn't matter when it's a bad day, he still sees me in and out, and never stops, that is key, because if you like and love a partner, and it is two sided, then your constantly doing things for them, and telling them things like "you look so sexy today", or "right now", or whatever. I say all that to try and say that for me, when any of the things you mentioned are going on, even physical things like hormonal changes, or even flare ups from my illness, he still finds ways to just turn me on, and make me feel VERY SEXY. I have days when I just feel that way, and that comes from within me. But if he was not behind me so much, and constantly (daily) telling me all the things he does, "your beautiful", "your smart and I am proud of you", stuff like that, or supporting me when I do things, I would not find him attractive. To me it is just that simple. It's about the partner relationship.
Confidence is extrodinarily powerful, and can help women lose wieght, take better care of themselves nutritionally, wear sexier clothing, try new things, which then brings more confidence and excitment in life.
There is no simple answer to your question in that it is not just one thing, but there is simplicity to the problem that ya'll debate in that each woman, when consistantly over time is made to feel sexy, brilliant, beautiful, etc. she will grow more confident as she grows older, with minimal periods of low libido. Remember that key phrase made to feel....
I will say one last thing though, and that is that the other key phrase to me is two sided relationship, this has to be going on between the two people, cause it is a perpetual, progressive circle of respect, and adoration, and being "in-love" with someone that makes a woman or a man feel sexy or truly loved for who they are, which in turn will make one feel sexy.
Signed,
Kari Anne
I agree with Kari Anne. There are many factors. I am soon to be divorced, was married for 22 years to a man who was less than kind, extremely overweight, a control freak, and treated my children badly. Needless to say, sex was just not happening. Since I left him almost a year ago, I feel much better about myself, and have been seeing a wonderful man for several months, who is very good to me and basically everything that I had been missing in my life for years. I started having hot flashes and entered perimenopause about 2 years ago. Since I have been with my boyfriend my sex drive has gone waaaaaaayyyy up. In fact, he tells me he can't keep up. If he was willing, I'd make love every morning, night and possibly in between, at least on the weekends when we don't work. So for me it is a combination of a new, better relationship, actually being physically attracted to the man (maybe I'm shallow, but I can't find obesity attractive, especially when he is just not a nice person), and possibly the hormones surging through my system. I have more self-confidence, and I actually asked him out in the begining, something I would normally be too shy to do. So I'm pretty happy where I am now, if only his sex drive was as high as mine. But we are compromising, and really it's working out okay. I love him very much, and the feelings are returned. This was a very interesting question.
Poll: your sexual peak and perimenopause 
is that it will almost never be just one reason. 
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