I think I've come to accept this new normal called perimenopause. With each period comes a question.."Will this be the last one?" With each new twinge or ache or some form of discomfort comes the question.."Is this part of perimenopause or something more sinister?" Now after extractions the right side of my mouth aches all the time..teeth will ache and then go away..moods come and go at the snap of a finger..unrelenting despair and worry over take me at any given moment. I immediately fear the worst case scenario as paranoia sweeps me off my feet. I go from one malady to the next convinced I will be struck down by something and that's what it is. No joy whatsoever..not in the things that used to make me happy. It's like I feel only the worst things..I'm like a stone in feeling the best things. Why is that? I hate this time of life..I want my period to end finally so these hormones can settle down. I'm this close to trying real HRT...I need my life back. I'm willing to risk it now because presently I'm not living well.
I am sorry you feel so awful. I come to these boards and other online forums quite frequently because it seems to help my mood.
I don't even know if I'm in perimenopause yet (I'm 44). A lot of the way I'm feeling right now is due to a build up of stress I was going through and all of a sudden I had a bout of anxiety in the middle of the night - 3 months ago - ever since, I have not felt right. At first I attributed it to my two weeks of only 2 hours of sleep a night, but now, even though I am sleeping a bit better (with help - Trazodone) I still feel exactly as you describe. Depressed. No joy whatsoever. Despair. I have spent the last three months battling this horrible feeling - like my house is not my house, my road is not my road, my town is not my town. No fun in anything I used to find pleasurable. I can't even listen to music anymore because it makes me highly emotional - in a bad way. The only time I feel right is in the evening after the sun goes down and my family is home. I am in a constant state of "what if". I fear being alone when I'm older...fear not getting along with my husband when the kids are grown. Fear that I will never experience joy or fun again. I can really get myself into a hysterical state of mind if I don't stop these thoughts. I am on BCP because I thought maybe it would help because my estrogen was quite low, but now I still don't feel right. In fact, physically, my boobs hurt all the time and my heart palps have gotten worse. I might quit after this month. I refuse to go on antidepressants...I know they help some but after all the recent studies that show that they really work no better than a placebo in most cases, I will not take them. If my insurance covered it, I would probably go to a therapist more often but sometimes that doesn't work either. I wish my town had a women's support group for peri and menopause. I think being around other women at this time of life would be very positive. But I don't have anything like that in my area.
Good luck if you decide to try HRT. I hope it helps you. Do you exercise regularly? I find that this does help me for at least a little while. I started jazzercise and it's nice to be around all ages of women. I have to force myself to go some days. But during and after I go, I feel that I at least accomplished something.
The worst part of this for me is knowing I seem different to my kids. They deserve better - I don't want to miss the last part of their childhood because I can't seem to enjoy the moment. I have also started keeping a gratitude journal/regular journal so I can get my thoughts out. Talking to my husband is not helpful as he just doesn't understand and sometimes it feels as though he is very insensitive. Maybe that's because I'm overly sensitive.
I think we need to remember that this is a transient thing...that it won't last for ever. If we can understand and BELIEVE that, we will try for a better day tomorrow. Each moment and day is unique to itself...some are better than others.
It's nice to come to these boards and feel less alone..to know that I'm not imagining any of this..but really I wish it would just ease up. For me..I don't even want to make plans because I'm afraid of backing out of them because of how I feel. I don't want to travel because of it either..it just feels like a life on hold. I remember how I felt in puberty and this feels a bit similar..not everything of course. But it's that constant feeling of being uncomfortable and not at ease with myself and less confident in certain areas..I don't really care what others think..I think that is good but it's like I've lost my swagger. I just feel a lot more vulnerable and I don't like that. That's never been me..I've always been more confident..I keep reminding myself this is a transition..but this transition has lasted so long.
I'm going to take today and TRY to be positive and do things for myself..I'm not working right now so making good use of my time will help..it's just hard with that extra time to try and not over think every little ache and pain like it's something really bad. Thanks for responding and lets do this together..I think it helps. I do remember the old me..I think. But maybe that old me is gone and a new and improved one will emerge..maybe we can look at it like that????
Oh my gosh Lost..I totally understand NOT wanting to listen to music..for the longest time I would only play talk radio in my car because songs just reminded me of things and it would set me off. It's only been lately that I've started to listen to music again. That is so interesting..I thought I was alone on that one.
What other quirks and weird things will come up??? Ha!!
I get it! I've lost my zest, joy, motivation, concentration, contentment, libido.... It all hit me like a freight train (nothing gradual about it) after an unwarranted hysterectomy. Severe depression and anxiety were the worst but those lifted once I got a good level of estrogen into my body. Estrogen has also helped with the other symptoms to some degree. I'm not sure I'll ever be "cured" though of feeling betrayed by my gynecologist.
Interesting about music - I also couldn't listen to music for the longest time because it used to bring me so much joy and it made me sad that I'd lost that "connection." That's gotten better too.
Hi! It's been soooo long since I've posted on or even read these boards. I used to be obsessed with them but then somehow got away from it. But I wandered back today and found your original post and I so related to it. I was in perimenopause starting around age 43. I am now 48 and have reached the one year mark without a period and have been told that that makes me officially in menopause. I hate to say it but I don't feel any different or any better having made the transition. I still have the anxiety that you describe. I've always thought that was the worst symptom. I worry incessantly about every little thing -- mostly about physical symptoms and what horrible disease I might have this time. And as you stated, I just am not the person I used to be. I'm sure people who know me would agree with that. I hate this and want it to go away. I want to know how much longer it is going to last. I thought once I reached the official 'menopause' things would be different. I was wrong. And that is so weird what you and several others have said about not listening to music anymore!! I stopped listening to music in the car and started listening to sports talk radio. And I'm not a big sports fan!! I couldn't explain it to anyone. Not even myself. I just don't want music. I never related it to menopause but after seeing that several of you have done the same thing, I have to wonder....
Well we all just have to hang in there, I guess. What choice do we have? It's not like I walk around depressed all the time but, like you said, it's just not the old me. I'm sure there has to be an 'other side', a light at the end. It's something to strive for. Take care!
Hi...your post made me laugh and that's a good thing. It's strange about the music thing. I have listened to it a bit lately..and one night I actually rocked out listening to songs from when I was a teen. My theory on it is because it makes you long for things you think you don't have anymore..so you avoid it because you don't want to get anymore sad. I think now..it's all over..no more anything that makes me feel good and certain songs provoke memories you don't want to entertain..maybe? I don't know.
I still got my monthly..I wish it would just end already. But..this is a transition stage. I just feel like I've been in it forever. It's good to get feedback from others going through it too. It's so strange this time..and confusing.
Not much new with me. I agree with you, Laye, about the reason for not wanting to listen to music. That's gotten better for me but music still doesn't give me the same good feelings that it did "back in the day"...but at least I no longer feel a deep sadness.
I've always been slightly OCD as far as obsessive/intrusive thinking. I used to be so caught up on the physical symptoms and what might ensue down the road, like you dcs, but that's eased since I'm now stable on HRT. But when out in public, I'm obsessed by the need to pinpoint (in my mind) which women have had a hysterectomy and whether others can tell that I did. I can only hope that this eases over time.