not sure why. - Mental Health Message Board

xerox_rape · 04-23-2004, 07:39 PM

came across this board and thought i would post. not to sure why.
i guess to see if anyone else lives with this pain.
i find it just as hard to type this out as if i was talking to someone. i don't like talking about this at all. i rather just keep it all to myself and deal with it.

not sure where to start. half the time i just feel dead. i rather be completely alone. if i'm with a group of people i rather just try to fade back and hope no one talks to me or knows i'm even alive.
the problem with being alone is the loneliness. it gets so intence that it forces me out in the public only to leave me feeling worse by the time i return.
i feel sad all the time. i'm not sure if i wanna cry or scream my lungs out most of the time. i have problems with anger. i'll blow up over the dumbest things sometimes. i never become violent but my words cut like a knife. i pretty much hate all people for the most part. sucks because i really try.

i sleep alot. i rather not wake up. i curse god or whatever, (mel gibson???)
everytime i wake up.
i don't wanna talk to a doc or take any drugs because the feeling of weakness and not beng able to deal with this myself.

i dont know. there is more but i'll just keep this simple.

hry33 · 04-24-2004, 11:42 AM

seeing a doc will help, but get more exercise, join a gym if this wouldnt be too difficult
take regular long walks also

My_Left_Shoe · 04-24-2004, 01:31 PM

I purposely isolate myself because I'd rather be alone than with other people. I don't have anything in common with the "average" person and the behaviours of others easily **** me off a lot of the time. Things like someone walking too slowly, talking too much, talking too slowly, people making mistakes or being incompetent, getting held up, someone looking my way, people acting a certain way, me dropping my pen... just having anything "off". I get so annoyed and find myself losing patience in so many situations. If no one's around, I'll let loose a string of curses and some inanimate object's gonna get it.

I oscillate between wanting to be with other people or being by myself. If I choose going out (which is rare), I'd rather go out by myself than hang out with a bunch of people. If there's some group gathering, I'd wish I could be there to see what having a good time and being happy and laughing is all about, but I also DON'T really want to be there. I'd rather attend events invisibly. Why? I can't fit in. I hate small talk and I can't stand socializing with others because I don't have all that energy. Most of the time I find myself feigning interest in what people have to say and I pretty much force myself to carry on a conversation as well as smile the whole time so that my face ends up stiff and my head hurts. When I'm out doing anything, I just can't wait to get back to the safety of my house, where I breath a huge sigh of relief. If I have to go to the mall, I zip in and zip out as fast as I can. There would be so many things in that short trip that would irk me, mostly to do with what I find is the annoying behaviours of others. Most of the time I feel emotionless and I can go days without saying two words to another human being and actually be content that people are leaving me alone.

I don't like talking about my feelings to anyone or "opening up". I feel crowded by others, like they're suffocating me. I need lots of space. I don't like being bothered but I hate feeling like a grump.

r12las · 04-26-2004, 04:42 PM

I have a lot of your feelings, although they do not feel as intense as yours. I am a student and the lab where I study has many people who you meet randomly during the course of things, and everything is all 'hi, how are you?' smiles etc. etc. most of the time I dread this even making eye content and it gets me angry how false people are and can't bear to talk to most people. Sometimes I've got as far as the car park and just can't get out the car just because I can't deal with seeing people and interacting with them. Also socially, unless I've had a few drinks I try so hard to keep a conversation going and my face hurts too with trying to smile and look interested.

Also you mention little things like people walking too slowly, queueing etc. I too get very wound up and can feel myself cursing very loudly and out of control in my head with evil words that would shock anyone who knows me! I also can get road rage quite easily. Fortunately it has not been so overwhelming for anything to physically happen...yet....

I sigh relief 2 when I get in. I need time by myself and get very wound up and stressed and have feelings like I can't cope when I haven't had much 'own time'

I suffer from depression and like you thought I could do it on my own and that it showed weakness since most people cope with their feelings but rather than weakness it shows strength of admitting you need some kind of help, whether medical or otherwise and although people who don't suffer from depression may see it as a weakness, I don't, and I'm sure the doctor could offer some kind of help. You are not alone, who gives a shirt what anyone thinks, you are obviously not happy......good luck on your decisions and if you need to vent anything do it here cause it does help (perhaps I should look at my own advice!) I'm here and will reply again if you wish

r12las

xerox_rape · 04-27-2004, 12:59 AM

hry33. i joined a gym a few months ago. i go late at night so no one is around and i can actually enjoy it. lifting and music are the only things that i can enjoy.

as to the rest of ya. thanks for responding. i'm glad to see i'm not alone. the both of u really know what its like. it's really hard, but at the same time i get to the point to where i don't mind it. as for hating everyone. thats not entirely true. still love the ladies. at least the ones i see everyday that i wish i could walk up to and have a conversation with or the ones that say hey and i just freeze up like a complete idiot.