new symptoms...2 years later - Mental Health Message Board

blueange1 · 05-05-2004, 09:52 PM

Hello. I am writing this because I am confused and I’m not sure what to do.

First of all, I was depressed around 2 years ago. I was in therapy and taking Lexapro. I was on the pills for about 3 months. I moved from California to Nevada after being on the pill and therapy for about a month. I continued taking the pills I had but then stopped seeing a therapist. I didn’t have health care because I was under my dad’s coverage before we moved, because he had to quit his job. I told my doctor that I was moving to another state and told him that I was feeling better. He told me not to stop taking the pills and to try and see someone to go to for therapy when I get to the new state, but… I didn’t listen to him. (I should have)

I was feeling happier and had no more suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking the lexapro after 3 or so months. I went on for a year and a half and I was doing fine. Once in a while it would creep back and I’d get really upset at the world and I would start crying everynight.

Lately I’ve been doing worse, almost every night I get into bad moods and fight with my boyfriend. I scratch myself, I’ve always had… it makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood. I makes me feel shocked, and it helps me calm down. But for the first time I actually broke skin and made myself bleed. I didn’t mean to, but its scary because never in the past was I ‘strong’ enough to make myself bleed. Also, I’ve been having violent thoughts in my head, when I don’t even think of them, like as if someone else is making me see these images, and it scares me and I feel like I’m being punished for crying every night. And even at work, when I see new people an image of them being hurt pops into my mind – and I never mean to think these things. These images are unwanted and I don’t know whats going on with me. Lately I’ve had suicidal thoughts but not as often as when I was depressed 2 years ago.

My doctor and therapist told me that I was showing early signs of being bi-polar and I really don’t want that to happen. I still don’t have medical insurance because I am a full time student and my dad just recently got laid off. He is collecting unemployment and it might be a long while before I am insured. My mom is disabled and I am not married to my boyfriend yet…so as much as I would like to get help I just can’t afford it. I’m scared…I’m scared of going back to doctors and answering their questions, scared of being on pills and having all these things that are happening to me. I thought this all ended 2 years ago, is it because I didn’t stop the medication correctly?

I know this is a long post and I would like to thank the people in advance, who are reading this and who care enough to write a response or share some knowledge.

>> Blue Angel <<

blueange1 · 05-05-2004, 10:03 PM

I forgot to mention that my symptoms always act up during the night, at bedtime. In the day I am fine, just a little moody.

hry33 · 05-07-2004, 02:19 PM

Hi,
often when you stop a med, the old problems come back, sounds like you need more lexapro, if this is expensive for you , a generic version of prozac is similar and may work as well

I doubt you have bi polar, but dont be scared of the doctors, they are there to help you

scratching and cutting are common and almost always caused by stress and worry

dixon · 05-07-2004, 02:48 PM

I dont suffer from depression as im a schizophrenic but one of my symptoms is intrusive graphic violent and sexually violent thoughts - it goes without saying i do not want them they make me very frightened even if sometimes the violent ones exhilarate me - however ive been seen by a forensic psychiatrist (deals with the criminally insane) and have been assured people who suffer from these intrusive thoughts DO NOT carry them out - they are our deepest fears and revultions. i know it may seem you might want to do them or that u may think ur seeing things that might happen, but they wont - its hard to live with i know prozac works for some or anti-psychotics - but unfortunately i am resistant to both - so i try to find aversion tactics - music is good - but i often find the wrong music makes it worse!

unfortunatel im not from the states im fom the UK and healt***re here is free so i cant offer any advice about your healt***re plans.

best wishes and i hope u find a way thru x x

blueange1 · 05-10-2004, 02:02 PM

Hi guys, thank you for the responses.
I’m glad you don’t think I’m bipolar. Sometimes I get really talkative and perky hmmm...once a week? And then right after that fades I get angry at the people around me because I feel like I don’t have all their attention. LOL It is silly.
Since I last posted here I’ve been a worry wart. I worry about everything and I get nervous. I think about due dates in my head for school over and over again. I’m not doing to well in school right now so I am so worried about that.
I see the doctor this Thursday, and I worry about that. I try really hard to remember all the times when I feel bad, and think of ways to describe them. I think about this so many times a day because I want it to be perfect. And its so hard to keep it together sometimes, when I tell people about my problems.

I cried twice when at the mental health office, once when I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. I felt so alone in a room filled with freaks. I know this is bad for me to think, but I just wish sometimes that I was normal, and I don’t want to go through all this again. The other time I cried is when I saw some of the people being held in the next room – some had straight jackets on and they were severely mentally ill. I was sitting near the door so everytime a nurse or doctor would come in or out, I’d get a glimpse of them and it made me feel so horrible. I get worried that I will turn out like that.

But I know that what I am doing is right, and best for me. But part of me doesn’t want to admit to having a problem.

>>Blue Angel<<