passive-aggressive? - Mental Health Message Board

bobswife · 06-22-2004, 07:37 PM

I realise this is long. It would mean a lot to me if anyone has the time to read through and maybe offer me a few words. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate it.

Please, someone point me in the right direction. My husband is acting odd and it scares me because he is shutting me out and I have no idea what his trouble is.
We moved recently and he is looking for work. He had a good job for years and is well qualified but we moved to a small town for family reasons and work is not abundant. I know this is a stress for him and we have a few other problems, but we have faced things like this before and he has been OK.
He has often been quiet and not able to express himself (emotions) but lately it seems so much worse. He won't talk to me much or seems to play this game where he says he is fine and gives "automated" pleasant answers but reveals nothing "real". He is cranky about odd, little things and seems incredibly disappointed/angry at me and the kids but we are on eggshells cos we don't know what we've done wrong or why something is such a big deal all of a sudden.
I try not to nag. I try to be jokey or happy and offer hugs and tell him I love him or that I am proud of him and that he will get work soon and all that. I try not to push him but I have limits too. In the last two weeks I have "snapped back" and got angry at him and tried to "firmly discuss what the heck is wrong". I wouldn't say we yelled or said nasty irrational things, but we had two raised-voice discussions/disagreements. After these occassions, Bob has gotten even more sullen and played this "I'm fine....monotone answer" thing. He also said he saw "the real me" when we argued and makes it out I am actually some nasty force and that because I spoke my feelings rather than squash them down to avoid hurting his, I am really just all against him.

I just don't understand. I have no one to talk to and Bob wouldn't get help in a million years. I am sad and have spent a lot of time crying like my heart is breaking. Hey, maybe I'm the one with a problem??
Anyway, thank you anyone who has read through this. I would be so grateful for ANY replies. I feel really alone.
Thank you.

quincy · 06-22-2004, 10:47 PM

Hi....it sounds as though you're between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

Do you have any children?

He sounds depressed to me. Did you move because of YOUR family or HIS family? If it's your family...he may also be passive aggressive about things subconsciously blaming YOU. Saying everything is fine with a smile could also be passive agressive, especially when he knows it hurts you.

The yelling/argument/disagreement episode response from him later is a manipulation to pick at you again and make things your fault.

He may be pushing you to make a decision or to push him into argument so that he could say nasty things or for you to say nasty things/blame/etc for him to pad his already battered self-ego.

Misery loves company and that could be where he wants to drag you.

Your constant praise, jokey behaviour and "everything will get better attitude" is actually creating him to continue his bad behaviour....like negative reinforcement. You have to allow him to be accountable for his actions.

Shutting you out is definitely a form of rejection.

You could ask him (not when in a fight, but in a quiet discussion at a restaurant or a neutral place) whether he realises his actions are hurting you and that you're feeling left out of his life. You could say that you're reacting to his actions in a negative way toward him (and it hurts you to be hurtful to him..). You could ask him how he's really feeling and how he perceives your marriage. You could ask if he wants to go his own way and you yours. You could ask him if he wants to stay married. You can ask him if he still loves you......etc.
You could say you refuse to put up with all the crap and it has to stop. ....

You may be acting/reacting through mind reading and assumptions. Nothing says it all like actually saying it.

One thing you could do is ask him if you could do writing dialoguing. That's each of you writing to each other about how you feel, etc. One cannot comment while reading the other's written letter. Answers can be written....etc. Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing than talking. Just a suggestion.

Dr. Phil has a book called "Relationship Rescue". There's also a workbook that goes with it. I would strongly suggest this book. Dr. Phil is awesome, and he shows how each is responsible in a relationship.

If you think your marriage is in trouble, it is. Communication is the key. But for you to be "everything is fine" when it's not to your husband, may be actually belittling his perception and possibly fear of the situation. You both need to take off the blinders and get to the nitty gritty of the problems.

That is....since your husband won't see anyone for help to get things resolved between you.

Anyway, that's what I've come up with at this time. I've not been in your situation, but in my 25 years of marriage, we've had a few serious downs. I have seen a psychologist (to deal with all of my "stuff" -- and there was A LOT!!), but when my husband came to my session a few times, the insight given by the psychologist was priceless. We're learning how to argue, and become a tad nasty from time to time....but we're still happily married! No children.

Hope things work out for you...both of you have to make the effort to work it out!
quincy

bobswife · 06-22-2004, 11:14 PM

Thank you for the response. You said a lot of things that made so much sense....I really appreciate it.

We moved due to problems with my family, and yes, I think my husband is angry about it now and resents things and is therefore uptight at me.

We have three kids that I have a shared custody agreement with my ex (the kids are from my first marriage but Bob has always gotten on well with them). Bob also has children from his first marriage but they are in their 20's and doing there own thing. I know he misses them but I don't believe that is the root of his angst.

I will try to lay some things out in a calm and non-judgemental way and see if he will actually attempt to talk about it. I do love him very much and want for things to work out between us.

He left the house this morning while I was at a doctor's appointment (probably 9am, and it is now 3pm and I haven't had any word from him at all. He didn't tell me of any plans to be out and he doesn't ususally just go off for hours without telling me what's going on.....so now I am a bit worried. a few days ago he "went for a walk" after we had a disagreement, and he walked around the countryside for about five hours. This is very odd behaviour for him.
He has the car this time but I just wish I knew what was going on. He is acting more unusual every day.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. You must be proud of your achievement for being married for all those years. Congratulations. It is obviously not easy street all the time for even the happiest people, but you've made it and I am sure going to try to as well!
Thank you.

christalynn11 · 08-03-2004, 10:36 PM

I agree that you are dealing with depression here. My recommendation is for you to hit a store likes barnes & Noble or Borders, and pick up a book on dealing with depression in your loved ones. I bought my mom a book (The title is something like "What to do when they are depressed" at B&N and she found it very helpful - my father is bipolar and they have been together 25 years). She too felt like it might be her problem not his - But through reading this book she has reafirmed her feelings and found new hope and ideas on how to deal.

Good luck!

Ruth6:11 · 08-05-2004, 01:18 PM

Your husband needs something of his own to feel proud about. You mentioned that he had a good job and I'm assuming that he was able to provide financially for his family until the move.

Assuming that openings in his field are about non-existent in a smaller community - can you ask yourself the following questions and answer honestly??

Is the family situation you moved for worth the disintegration of your husband's ability to feel worthwhile to his family (you & the stepchildren)??
Would there have been another way to deal with the situation in your family without moving?

Sometimes the dominoes that fall after the first big one can't be blamed for tipping over!!