Need help for nine year old liar.... - Mental Health Message Board

ImagineLennon · 12-10-2004, 04:53 PM

She is my cousin's middle child and she lies about everything. Her grandparents are constantly getting on her case about it, even though her younger brother is no better as he backs her up on a lot of her "stories". I take the two of them occasionally for sleep overs...they love coming to stay with me. I've talked to her many times about it, telling her that people don't like someone who lies all the time and other things along that line. I've also told her that's one of the reasons everyone yells at her all the time (grandparents, mom's older sister, mom's brother). At one family gathering her mother called her over to sit with her b/c mom's older sister was yelling at the child so much and being so mean to her. My cousin is not the type of person to say anything back, but I could tell it was really bothering her.

This is a basically good kid whose only real problem is the stories she tells. There's no real reason why she tells them, except maybe for attention. What else can I do to help her? I feel so sorry for her because I see other relatives being so mean to her and all she wants is for someone to pay attention to her in a positive way. And I really like this kid.

Btw, the lies she tells are not harmful in any way...they're just stories she tells so someone will listen to her talk.

zilea · 12-11-2004, 01:58 AM

I used to be a compulsive lying kid, until I was around 9 or 10. I still lie a fair bit but I can control it. I wish I knew how to help you...Instead I'll only worry you more...Well, I'll try to help you...

See when I was lying I felt these huge demons of guilt following me around, I was so guilty that I couldn't stand being away from a trusted adult...at the same time I'd feel bad for lying to the trusted adult. But when I was alone the guilt was so much to bear, it was painful and really scary. I'd swear to myself that I'd never lie again, but then I would.

The result was that I became a really guilty person, the slightest thing would make me feel bad. So that's one of the main reasons why I cut myself.

Sorry to make this sound so morbid. I'm thinking the angle you should take when you talk to her is something along the lines of how you will love her and listen to her no matter what she does, and that you just want her to tell you the truth, but you won't be mad or disappointed if she doesn't, and that you won't tell anyone else if she doesn't want you to. It could take a while to get her to tell the truth naturally, but it's just really important that she trusts you. I think she is displaying an extreme lack of trust and fear of losing the love she already has. You need to convince her that she will never lose yours. Parents often say, "I'll always love you. If you do something bad, I'll be angry, but I'll still love you." What they don't realise is this is the same emotional blackmail as saying, "If you do something bad, I won't love you." It's just not quite aws bad as saying that.

I really hope it works out. It's so good to see someone like you who genuinely wants to help. I see so much of that on these boards, it's inspiring.

Zizzi.

ImagineLennon · 12-12-2004, 08:41 AM

Thanks for your advice. I'll give that a try and see what happens. I've been under the impression that this will take a while, and it's certainly not going to help with her grandparents yelling and being mean to her. She sees them way more often than she sees me. I just thank God her aunt lives in a different city, b/c she can be REALLY cruel. (Several years ago she told my grandpa to "f-off and die". I'm actually related to these mean people

.)

I'll try telling her the things you said to and hopefully that will help her to stop telling stories at least to me; and that will be a start. From there I may be able to get her to be more truthful with everyone.

Thanks again. Take care.

morningtheft · 12-12-2004, 10:20 AM

I'm not a parent and I'm no child psychologist, so this is probably no help whatsoever, but perhaps trying to reason with the people who are treating her that way could help. You've probably done this already but as she's doing this for attention I think it's just as important that her grandparents for example realise that it's much more important to give her attention when she's behaving herself than when she isn't. It's easy to ignore a well-behaved child and it sounds like that's what they're doing. Sorry if you've done that already or if there's no way to reason with them, because you obviously seem to realise that already, but if a 9 year old feels the only way to get attention is by lying then just trying to reason with them alone won't necessarily do the trick. It's brilliant she has someone like you to care for her though, well done. As I said though, I'm no parent or psychologist but that's just my take on the situation.

ImagineLennon · 12-13-2004, 05:24 PM

My aunt (the girl's grandmother) is not someone you want to try "reasoning" with. She can be the biggest itch with a "b"...she's really scary when she's mad. I wish I could do something on that end, but my hands are tied.

Thanks for the suggestion...it is a good one.