rush-rulz

I decided a couple months ago that I'd finally go see someone professionally. It was getting so close to the holidays, so I figured I could label it a resolution for fun. I've never really had one before.

There are a couple concerns here, I guess. One is finding someone. Does it matter what professional one goes to (short of psychiatrists for meds)?

I searched my insurance company's directory and have a healthy list. I called my doctor, and the secretary pimped a psychologist that's supposed to be really good, and the staff at my doctor's office even go to her. But she's not on my insurance. (On my plan, by the way, I pay a $25 copay in-network and 40% of the total out-of-network.) The secretary said that if I gave them my list, the doctor could pick one, which gives me an image of her closing her eyes and bringing her finger down on the page. It really ticks me off when they talk about picking off a list like that. If they really know people in the area (and I live and work in the area where her office is), shouldn't they be able to reel off names and then have me check it against insurance? But OK, I'm off-topic.

I've poked around on the net some, too, and basically have a few names--one's the psych they recommended, and the other two are counselors.

Anyway, I'm on a PPO and used to doing my own "legwork" (defined as googling in my case). Of course, with doctors, it's easier. You want a dermatologist in the area, preferably female? No worries. It doesn't even matter if you don't think she's hot stuff. She just needs to look at the rash and give you ointment. Badda-bing, badda-boom, as they say. However, I know I can't know who's a good pick for mental stuff because I'd have to talk to them first. It's just ****y is all.

OK, enough about that stuff. My other concerns are really just about me and what I want.

Is it appropriate to go see someone when you mainly (at least for now) just want to understand the issues, not fix them? Is there any point to this?

I rather enjoy being a victim. I'd love to walk out of there with some big Latin words to prove how screwy I am. But it's not just to feel special or something. It's also feeling like there should be balance--if I've been troubled my whole life and have never sorted it out myself, I don't want to be told it's just some simple thing or another. Because then I'll just feel like an ***.

And yeah, this is all about my inability to take action on problems. The same will hold true for who I end up seeing. I'll end up saying everything's fine when it's not. I'll put up with it. And afterwards, I'll probably try and declare that therapy doesn't work, even though it's only because I couldn't speak up or leave. Or I'll do it because I don't have the balls to change.

All of this implies I'm not ready for help. But these things pervade various areas of my life and have always been problematic. It's sort of like needing therapy to help you seek therapy or something (well, and there are the other issues, too).

I don't know where I was going with this. I guess I'm just feeling confused. And kind of scared of actually going through with this. And stuff. It took me a while just to get the courage to call for that referral.