pangea250

I don't want to make my problems sound worse then they are... But I don't really know how bad they are to begin with. I'm concerned, but I don't know if I should be... Does that make sence? *lol*

Let me try and explain
When I get worried, I start to feel real wierd and do weird and sometimes bad things:P
Back in october I was feeling stressed and I ended up pretty depressed... and I started to get strange thoughts.
I'd have intrusive thoughts so scary they'd cause me to have panic attacks (but that only happened maybe four times in two months). But the thought was always of a killer either in my house or trying to get in.
And then I started thinking there was another seperate personality in my head. He's talk to me even tho he never had much nice to say to or about me -_- He called himself "Hammer". Whenever I was feeling down he'd pounce on me and tell me I was no good and that society would benefit from my death. He got me to cut myself a few times (maybe only 3 or 4 times), but each time I had to cut deeper or I'd be inadequit? I don't know, it made sence at the time ^.^' The last time I did it I went to the hospital and had 6 stitches put in. He made aweful fun of me when I went to a depression group...
And then I started getting paranoid. so paranoid! I attempted suicide twice, the second time I was sent to the hospitol and the same doctor who did my stitches was watching over me while I stayed the night in the ER.
But even weirder, the whole while I was in the ER I wasn't upset. I kept thinking, I'm in the ER for trying to kill myself, shouldn't I be unhappy?? But I wasn't.
After I was released I was put on xanax and celexa but I became to afraid that they were part of a consiracy to kill me after taking them for maybe two weeks I refused to take them. I was too scared. I thought that the celexa was a "death drug" that would somehow cause me to commit suicide, but just in case I somehow caught on to the doctor's scheme to cause me to kill myself they put me on an addictive drug (xanax) that would cause me to develop schizophrenia so that no one would beleive me if I tried to report their scheme. And I was too afraid to eat most food becuase I didn't know which foods contained chemicals that might hasten the effects of the drugs. Cause me to go insane more quickly...
And every time my landlord's phone would ring I'd listen. i was always thinking that it might be the police calling to announce that they were coming to arrest me for my suicidal activities.
I'd hear strange voices too, but not in a hallucination kind of way. They were really just voices "in my head". Sometimes they were warnings. Like one informed me that there may be poison in my food or sometimes they'd have conversations with eachother, or just scream angerly and childishly and run amok in my brain -_- But honestly, about two weeks after I quit the medicine I started getting better and better and heard them less and less.
Last night I heard one tho. It said "Whaver this guy gets, you're gonna get it".
There were some other things too, like I'd have stange urges. One time I had this urge to write all over my body. But I didn't. And I'd have little repeating, obsessive thoughts like shoving a pen down my throught or biting my own arm really hard (but I never did either of these things!)

But anyways, if you're still reading this thank you very much^_^ I don't know what to do about this becuase I'm pretty much back to normal now. I'm not paranoid, Hammer's gone, and I'm not suicidal or anything =) I wish I knew what happened to me for that month and half period tho. I would talk to a councellor about it, I used to see one, but I'm so worried that he'd think I was a monster or something. I'm afraid he'd call the police and tell them that I'm a dangerous individual.
I don't feel quite right, writing the whole thing off as nothing. But maybe it will never happen again? But what if it does? I just don't know...