dealing with guilt after a death - Mental Health Message Board

venomm8 · 01-13-2005, 10:54 PM

question folks......

I am currently in a relationship with a man who has terrible guilt that stems from an arguement he had with his father. After this arguement in which he said some pretty mean things to his father, his father died of a heart attack....the next day. He feels responsible and cries pretty frequently. I have tried to talk to him, suggested counseling, mental or spiritual, and he claims he feels like he would be judged or the counselor would be appalled at what happened. How can I get him to understand that he has to move past this??? Any suggestions anyone???

kiehn · 01-14-2005, 12:35 AM

I dont have much experience with this, except what comes to mind.
First off no one is going to judge him or be appalled at what happened.
I dont know his belief, but I believe the spirit lives on and loved ones
that have passed on watch over us. If his father had a heart attack
as a result of the arguement, then I would say his father must have
Love his son more than life itself. Knowing that Id say he's right there
beside his son in spirit each time he cries. Obviously your friend feels
guilt and wishes there was a way to express to his father how sorry
he is and how much he loves him. There's nothing wrong with talking to
a loved one that has passed on. Sometimes a loved one will visit us in our dreams to help comfort us. Another suggestion is, a spiritual or physical dedication to change our life in some way offered in the memory of a loved one, is a way of saying I love you. Overall I would have to say your friend's father loved him very much and it hurts him to watch his son in such pain. I hope he soon finds a way to express his love to his father and begin to heal. Take Care, K

kerry1 · 01-14-2005, 10:05 AM

Most therapists wouldn't judge him - they would feel sorrow for him. I'm guessing that whatever the argument was about, his father was just as much as fault as the son. He couldn't let his father push him around just to "keep him alive", that would be ridiculous. His father, wherever he is now, still loves his son and forgives him. He should know that.

Ruth6:11 · 01-16-2005, 10:42 AM

See if he would sit down and write a letter to his Dad. One of the hard things with a death like this is that there is no "I'm so sorry for saying such things" followed by an "It's ok, I know you didn't mean it".
Sometimes writing a conversational letter to someone who had died (or left a relationship even) can open up a doorway that we thought was closed and give a bit of resolution.