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Old 07-11-2005, 07:20 AM   #1
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Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

Hello everyone! Here's my story....
I was put on Paxil as a teen for depression and anxiety. I've never stuck with it for long periods of time until recently. One year ago I had a massive panic attack. I decided to stick with Paxil and stayed on it for a year because I was pregnant and did not want to go through post pardom like I did with my first child. After my first child I had visions of hurting her and myself that scared me to death. My doctor at the time wrote it off as baby blues. That was four years ago and didn't have anymore visions after. Now, four years later, I've moved away from family and was forced to take myself off of Paxil because of no insurance. Immediatly I had those sick visions in my head. I've also become obsessed about my health. I feel like I'm destined to die of some fatel disease. I've made myself believe I have HIV or cancer, every ache and pain I feel is a symptom of something wrong. The other night I was in bed and could not get to sleep. My mind was racing in circles of thoughts about my kids, my health, suicide, all together with a childrens song that I had heard from a movie my daughter likes. I had to get out of bed twice. The next morning I woke up and felt so depressed, I called a friend for help. I went to a doctor that day (had to pay cash). I've never been to this doctor before, and after my first visit she diagnosed me with BP. I argued her diagnosis because even though I do feel there is something going on, I don't feel BP is the case. I'm now on Zyprexa and Paxil CR. Zyprexa has helped me sleep, but I feel like a zombie with no emotions. I told my mom who is an RN, she told me to stop taking this pill. She says it's what they give people in the mental ward. What do you guys think? Like I said, I've always delt with depression and anxiety but these obsessive thoughts about my health and my kids are all new to me and I'm very scared and confused.

 
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Old 07-11-2005, 08:46 AM   #2
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I don't see any evidence whatsoever of bipolar disorder in your description. It sounds to me that you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Maybe the doctor misunderstood you when you said that your thoughts were "racing," and immediately thought you were manic. However, when you see disgusting images of killing your child along with bits of songs that play over and over, this is OCD. I should know- I have it, too! LOL! OCD almost always becomes more severe after childbirth and in times of stress, such as moving away from your family. I'd definitely get a second opinion because this just doesn't sound like bipolar disorder...
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Old 07-11-2005, 11:22 AM   #3
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I think I will get a 2nd opinion. From what I know about BP, I don't feel that I fit the discription but she seemed sure of it. Those thoughts kept me awake one night only. My mom doesn't think she should have started me on Zyprexa after my first visit. That's wierd that I hear a lot of people say that it could be OCD. If that's the case then I'm not compulsive I only have obessive thoughts. I'm not a neat freak, I'm not afraid of germs ( maybe more now, then in the past), I don't check things over and over. I don't do any of that stuff I hear about. I never in a million years thought I would have a mental disorder. This is not me. I don't get it! Thanks for your reply.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 02:58 PM   #4
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

Believe me- I have the same type of OCD that you do. It's called "pure obsessional OCD" or "pure O," and it's when someone has mainly obsessions and few (if any) compulsions. Usually, as it is in my case, the compulsions are the mental kind, such as you fixing a "bad" picture to be a "good" picture, counting in your head, or praying, but you don't necessarily have any mental compulsions to be a pure O. For years, I never knew what was wrong with me because I never washed my hands or checked to see if the door was locked either. Then I was surfing the Internet one day, learning about abnormal psychology, and when I saw a checklist of OCD symptoms, I finally figured out what had been troubling me for the past four years. Pure O's are usually the ones who have violent, blasphemous, and/or sexual obsessions (I've had all three! LOL!), and I truly believe that this is the worst type of OCD because, if you're washing your hands 100 times a day, other people can recognize that something's wrong and that you probably have OCD. But, if you're constantly fighting back repulsive images and thoughts, it's hard for people to know as it's very secretive, and it's even harder for them to understand. After all, everybody can relate to wanting to be clean and avoid germs, but very few people know what it's like to see yourself killing your mother or thinking that you worship the devil...
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Old 07-11-2005, 03:34 PM   #5
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

what is it like when you see yourself killing your mom? is it just a terrible thought you force out of your head or is it an idea you actually play with?

Last edited by curiouslearner; 07-11-2005 at 05:40 PM.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 06:41 PM   #6
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CuriousLearner- was your question addressed to me? I wasn't sure. Anyway, if you were asking me, I'll tell you. I don't get this obsession nearly as much as my blasphemous ones, but they can pop up once in awhile. It used to be me seeing myself actually stabbing or shooting my mother in my mind, and this would cause me so much distress because this is very against my nature, as all obsessions are. Now, they take more of the form of me suddenly thinking, "I wish my mom was dead," or "I wish my mom had breast cancer," things that I certainly don't want to happen. But, I can't control it. They'll just pop into my mind before I can stop them- occasionally I can feel an obsession coming on and I'll redirect my thoughts, but more often than not, they just overtake my train of thought... I try to force the thought out of my mind and neutralize it with a prayer, but the next minute the same stupid thought strikes, and the whole process repeats itself. (Some people, however, do the "playing with the idea" thing that you mentioned, and they say to themselves, "Well, if I thought this, I must want to do it, and I'm really homicidal." I never did this, but instead, just kept reliving the torture in my mind.) You can literally see the same images for hours. It's awful. When I actually saw myself killing my mother (and grandmother), my OCD was at its worst, and I didn't know what it was. I just started seeing these awful things over and over all day long. I NEVER want to relive that hell! Oh! Big news, CuriousLearner! I asked my therapist about the whole "self-talking with imaginary people" thing and he says that it's normal for people like us that have anxiety disorders and are lonely. He said that I (and you, too) don't have any part of a psychosis because we know what's going on and that the people aren't real, so now you officially know that you aren't schizophrenic! Yeah! He also said that people with anxiety disorders are often very creative and imaginative (I know I am, and you sound like it as well), but I guess this makes sense in order for us to create sick images and worries against our will... LOL! Talk to you later.
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Old 07-12-2005, 08:09 AM   #7
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I never in a million years thought that I would have a mental disorder. I've always coped with depression and anxiety, this is a whole new ball game for me. I don't get it! I feel like I'm falling apart! This is a time in my life where everything is going great! I moved away from home to be with the father of my children who finally decided to get sober and has been clean for a year. We have been through hell and back together. I have the perfect job, we both make great money, everything is falling right into place. With all the stress I've delt with in the past, why are my going through this now? Now I'm on Zyprexa, used to treat mainly Scysophrinia. I feel like a walking zombie. Should I even be taking this drug? It has calmed me down, but I don't know how I feel about taking a drug used to treat illnesses that I'm not sure I have. I don't have extreme ups and downs, mainly downs. When I have these thoughts about my kids, I try to force them out of my head, then it's an all day process. My fears about my health goes in circles also. Last night I had another night full of these racing thoughts, until the Zyprexa kicked in and nocked me out. I was about ready to tell my boyfriend to take me into the hospital. I don't feel like the same person. Although my boyfriend is hanging in there, I know this is taking a tole on our relationship. I don't have a sex drive anymore since this all started. We have sex once a month, even then I can't get into it. All I can think about are STD's, pain, and bleeding ( because I have had fears about HIV, bleeding during sex, and pain). I don't know what to do to get back to normal. I miss the days when I would wake up and say " Life is good!". Really, life is good, just not my state of mind.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 08:23 AM   #8
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

My dr. at one time wanted me to take zyprexa for severe anxiety/panic disorder. I think it has some off-label uses for other than psychosis. I didn't take it because it is supposed to cause heavy weight gain, but mr dr. really thought it would work for me.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 02:08 PM   #9
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

So maybe it's a good thing I'm taking it. I do have severe anxiety. I don't know about the weight gain. I guess I won't worry about that since I'm under weight. I'll see what the doctor says in 2 weeks. I don't understand how my boyfriend has battled addiction, severe depression, and at one time he could have been labeled different types of mental illnesses. All he did was sober up and pray everyday, now he's great! He's never been on meds. I've tried praying, going to church, reading, keeping busy, and yet, I still need to be druged. Should I tell my doctor about OCD, or should wait to see if she mentions it? Will I end up on too many meds? Do I even have a true problem, or will this pass in time?

 
Old 07-12-2005, 05:00 PM   #10
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

If I were you, I'd definately tell my dr. about the ocd and your concern with taking the zyprexa. If it is working for you, then maybe you can stay on it, or your dr. could give you something comparable to the zyprexa. I think being totally honest with your dr. is the best policy. Good luck!

 
Old 07-12-2005, 08:37 PM   #11
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I was talking to my sister today about this whole thing. She says that this could be a mix of postpardom, taking myself off of my meds, and due to there being so many changes in my life. My daughter is 11 months now, I didn't think I could go through postpardom so late after childbirth. I was on Paxil through out my pregnancy. When I moved here, I had to take myself off of them because I don't have insurance. That's about the time I started feeling this way. It got worse when I thought I had HIV. I'm also a stay home mom, since I work from home I don't get out much. Does this make sense to anyone? Could this pass? I do think that I need Paxil, I'm not sure if I have a mental illness. Maybe I'm going through denile. I hate this!

 
Old 07-12-2005, 09:13 PM   #12
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

Gatsbyluvr,

This is very good news to hear about the self-talk. It really did brighten my day to read it from you.

As for the horrible thoughts that enter your mind. My therapist once told me not to reject them, but intead, to let them pass. The more we reject them the more they come back seemed to be the idea. Just thought you'd like to know.

Thanks for all the help! I'll keep you posted on everything else.

 
Old 07-13-2005, 06:59 AM   #13
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I know! I was so happy to hear the news, too! Yeah, I'm beginning work on letting my obsessions pass and trying not to do a compulsion. I didn't have my normal obsessions yesterday, but I did have a breakdown when I was supposed to go driving. I just can't go out on the road. I'm petrified of hurting somebody. My mom told me that I don't have to continue with my driving lessons, and I can just practice in the parking lot with my dad as long as I'd like. Oh, the OCD Workbook is really useful for someone in CBT. You can write down all of your obsessions and the fear they give you. Good luck, God bless, and write back whenever you'd like!
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Old 07-13-2005, 07:39 AM   #14
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

I don't think I could let these images pass instead of fighting them off. It does make sense, but these images make me sick. I am feeling better this morning. I'm keeping myself busy with work, and I've put myself on a schedule. I feel that if I'm more productive, maybe I wont think about that stuff so much. A friend I was talking to told me that everyone at one time or another thinks sick thoughts, they just don't talk about it. She said that if she went to the doctor everytime she did, she would be doped up to. Do you think that some doctors are to quick to medicate? It seems that everyone these days are on something.

 
Old 07-13-2005, 01:59 PM   #15
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Re: Doctor says BP after one visit! Started me right away on Zyprexa. Confused, need help

Yes, I think that doctors are too quick to medicate, but that doesn't mean that people like you and me don't need meds to help with our problem. I do feel that doctors nowadays are overeager to hand out an anti-depressant any time a patient says that they feel sad. Oh, and believe me, it's VERY hard to just simply let the obsessions pass- that's why behavioral therapy takes so long and is so hard! LOL!
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